A Little Rain Must Fall
by clever pen name
Summary: Sam and Luka, she's pregnant but he's still hiding his feelings.
1. Default Chapter

Sam and Luka sat having breakfast, he was quietly reading the newspaper and she was just sitting there watching him. He had pulled away from her ever since they went to see that therapist, not physically, but emotionally. They barely talked anymore and Sam didn't know what to do. She was tired, tired of fighting, tired of trying to get him to open up to her, tired of convincing herself that him not talking about his feelings didn't mean he was unhappy, that he didn't love her. She finished off her coffee, took one last look at him feeling the tears starting to form. She couldn't keep doing this, she knew that, but letting go was going to really hurt. She got up from the table and walked out of the room.

Luka looked up when he heard her leave. Things had been strained between them; he knew that, he also knew that he was hiding his real feelings from her. He didn't want Sam to know how disappointed he was to hear that she never wanted to have children again. For the first time since his wife and kids had died he had met someone who he could envision spending the rest of his life with, who he wanted to have children with. And she didn't want that. It was a shock and he was just trying to get himself used to the fact that he would never have a child again, sure he had Alex but he wasn't his father. But he was willing to put up with it; he didn't want to lose Sam. The last thing he wanted was to lose another family.


	2. Chapter One

Chapter 1

Sam went into Alex's room; he was sitting on his bed playing on his game boy. She stood watching him for a few minutes, she could do this, she could talk to him without crying.

"Mom, are you ok?" Her son's voice shook her out of her thoughts. She went over to his bed and sat down beside him.

"We need to talk." Sam said, unsure of the best way to go about this.

"What's wrong?"

"How would you feel if we moved?"

"Mom, no! I really like it here in Chicago; I want to stay, please!" Alex pleaded with his mother.

Sam reached out and put an arm around her son feeling guilty for having moved him around so much.

"We're not leaving Chicago," she said, "I just meant how would you feel if we moved out of Luka's and found our own place?"

"Are you and Luka breaking up?"

Sam just smiled; Alex never was one to beat around the bush.

"I don't know." She was trying her best to keep the tears back. "We're having some problems at the moment and I think we each need some space."

"Do you still love him?"

Sam could only nod as the tears starting running down her face. Alex was shocked, he had never seen his Mom cry in front of him before, she always did it when he wasn't around. As much as his mother may annoy him at times, he did love her and he hated to see her upset. He threw his arms around her. Sam was shocked at this sudden show of affection from her son, but she was grateful for it.

Alex hated Luka then, he hated him for making his Mom upset, for making her cry. First the incident with his Dad and now this. He felt helpless, he wanted to help his Mom, tell her everything would be ok, but he couldn't. All he could do was hug her.

"Mom, I don't mind if we move out. It's ok with me."

Sam drew back from the hug and looked at Alex. He really was a great kid, she was blessed with him, and she couldn't imagine life without him.

"Good. Don't say anything to Luka about this ok? I haven't told him yet."

"Ok Mom!"

"Thanks!" She kissed Alex on the forehead and he made a face at her and then smiled innocently at her. Sam laughed and got off the bed.

"Well I will have to go and do some laundry, we all know how much fun that is!"

"I love you!" Alex said.

"I love you too!" Sam replied and she walked out of the room. She to the kitchen and found a note on the table from Luka.

_I went out to get some milk as we're all out._

_I shouldn't be long, I'll see you later._

_Love Luka_

She shook her head and threw the note in the bin. Had things gotten really gotten so bad that he couldn't even tell her that he had to go out, he had to write down? She was only in Alex's room, surely he could have just went up and told her. She wiped away another tear that was falling down her cheek. Did she really think that Luka would want to spend the rest of his life with her? She was way too screwed up to ever be so lucky as to fall in love and have it last.

Luka walked out of the store with the bottle of milk in a bag under his arm. He had followed Sam up to Alex's room and had overheard their conversation. He heard Alex ask if they were breaking up and he had seen Sam, his Sam crying. He had to leave then. He couldn't face the fact that he was the one who caused her pain. At the same time, he didn't want to talk about his past. He just had to show Sam that he loved her, really loved her! He was thinking this as he passed a baby shop. He stood and looked in the window at all the baby clothes and happy couples. He'd never have that again, never again be a father, never again feel that swell of pride as he watched his child grow up. He sighed and shook his head and walked on. He had to think about what was more important, Sam and Alex. He continued walking down the road until he came to a jewellery shop. He paused briefly, was he sure he was about to do the right thing? Sure, he wanted to show Sam just how much he loved her, but was he ready for this? He took a deep breath and walked into the store.


	3. Chapter Two

Luka paced up and down the living room. He was waiting for Sam, they were going out with Susan and Chuck, Alex was staying at a friend's house. He put his hand into his pocket and felt the square velvet box that was there. It had taken him a long time to find the perfect ring for Sam, but he eventually found it. It was just a bit out of his price range, but she was worth it! She wasn't too happy when he came home three hours after he had left; she had pretty much been ignoring him since then. Not that he blamed her, but he was sure that everything would change after tonight. He had it all planned, first they would have dinner at the restaurant with Chuck and Susan, and then he was going to take her for a walk along the riverside and propose to her there. He was so nervous; he couldn't remember being this nervous proposing to Danijela. Sam entered the room behind him; he could hear her soft footsteps on the carpet. He turned around and looked at her. She looked beautiful. She was wearing a black dress with high heeled sandals. He would never tire of looking at her.

"Um, Luka?" Sam asked

"Yeah," he answered, doing his best to focus on what she was saying and not on how much he wanted to kiss her.

"Could you zip me up?"

Sam turned around so her back was facing him and he walked over to her. He zipped her up and his hand lingered on her shoulder. His hand moved slowly down her arm and he bent down and kissed her neck before whispering in her ear.

"You're beautiful"

Sam shivered slightly as he whispered those words. Suddenly all the problems they were having were forgotten as she turned around and kissed Luka. She had caught him off guard at first, but when she started to move away he put his arms around her waist and pulled her in for more. The kiss was tender at first, both unsure of what they other was thinking and not wanting to overstep the boundaries. It soon got more passionate, it had been too long since they were like this. Sam was the one to finally pull away; she loved this man so much that it hurt sometimes. One kiss and she was almost ready to forget everything they had been going through. As she stood there looking at him she knew that to do that would be a mistake. She didn't really know this man; he refused to let her in.

Luka looked at the woman that he loved. She looked so sad right then. He brushed a strand of her hair out of her face.

"What are you thinking?"

"I was thinking that if we don't leave now we'll be late!" Sam answered. She couldn't tell him the truth that she was thinking of leaving him. Now was not a good time for that discussion.

"You're right! This is Susan and Chuck's first night out with adults, we shouldn't leave them waiting."

Neither of them moved. They just stood where they were, each consumed with their own thoughts. Luka eventually took Sam's hand and started moving towards the door.

"Come on, we'll be late!"

Sam smiled and followed him out the door.

They made it to the restaurant in record time; they were only five minutes late. The car ride over had been hell, neither of them had said a word for the whole journey. It was easier to talk once they were with Susan and Chuck though, with them they could pretend that everything was fine.

After they finished the main meal, Sam and Susan made the customary trip to the ladies bathroom. Once inside, Susan turned to Sam and asked her if everything was ok.

"Why do you ask?"

"Because," answered Susan, "you and look have barely looked at each other all night. Given the fact that when you're together you're always at least holding hands, I'd say that something is wrong."

Sam looked at her friend, and the tears starting falling from her eyes.

"Oh God, Sam, how bad is it? Did you have a really bad argument or something?"

"No, to do that we'd actually have to talk. He never tells me how he's feeling, he never shows emotion. I feel like I don't know him anymore."

"So the counselling didn't help then?"

"No, I think we talk less now." She paused before adding, "I'm thinking of moving out."

"What? Are you sure?"

"Yeah, I can't go on like this. I don't want Alex to have to live with the two of us ignoring each other. It's not fair on him."

"But he really likes Luka; do you think he'd be ok with it?"

"I've already talked to him about it, he says its fine. He and Luka haven't really been getting along since Steve came back. I feel like everything is falling apart Susan, and I don't know what to do!"

Sam sits down on in one of the toilet cubicles and cries, the tears now falling fast. Susan kneels down in front of her and puts her arm around her.

"I'm sorry; this is supposed to be your re-introduction to the world of adults. The last thing you need is someone crying, I'm sure you get enough of that at home."

"Well, Chuck can be quite emotional at times."

"He is one of a kind," Sam laughed.

"That he is." Susan answered. "You ready to come back out?"

Sam is about to answer but she suddenly goes very pale and ends up throwing up in the toilet. Susan quickly grabs her hair out of her face and then helps Sam walk over to the sinks.

"You ok?"

"Yeah, it's been happening to me a lot recently, I think it's just due to stress."

"Have you been having any other symptoms?"

"I've been really tired and my emotions are all over the place, but like I said, it's just stress. Things aren't exactly the best at home."

"Have you missed a period?"

"I can see where you're going with this and no, I took a test a few weeks ago and I'm not pregnant!"

"Ok, but I still think you should get checked out."

"You doctors never stop working, do you?"

"No, we don't. I'll leave it for now, but tomorrow I'm going to check you out myself and if you try to get out of it, I'll get Morris to do it!"

Sam shudders at the thought.

"Those two have been gone a while" Chuck remarked, as he and Luka sat waiting at the table for the girls to come back.

"You know what women are like. They're all the same, even in Croatia."

"Yeah, it's just another one of those things. Women, huh? You can't live with them and you can't live without them"

"It's true. On that subject, I'm going to ask Sam to marry me."

"Wow! Congratulations"

"Hey, she hasn't said yes yet."

"Like there's any doubt that she will!"

"Well, I'll find out later."

"You're asking her tonight?"  
"Yeah, I have the ring and everything. I'm going to ask her after we leave here."

Their conversation was quickly stopped as Susan and Sam came back to the table. Sam was just about to sit down when she suddenly felt like the room was spinning, the last thing she heard was Luka asking if she was alright as everything went black.

Luka immediately got up from where he was sitting and went over to where Sam was lying unconscious on the floor. He was vaguely aware of their waiter coming over to see if they needed any help, most of his attention was focused on Sam. Susan told the waiter that she was a doctor and she'd yell if she needed anything and she knelt down beside Luka. Luka was just frozen, unable to move, to do anything. He felt powerless. Sam was just lying there, she looked so pale and so frail and there was nothing he could do. He knew he should be able to help her, he was a doctor after all, but his emotions took over and he was just frozen. It was the worst feeling in the world. All he could do was sit there. He was thankful that Susan was with them, she just got straight to it. She checked Sam's pulse and then went on to revive her. After what to Luka felt like a life time, Sam woke up. She was a bit disorientated but otherwise she seemed fine. They decided to take her to the ER to run some tests and make sure she was fine. Susan agreed to drive Luka and Sam in her car while Chuck would follow in Luka's car. Susan and Chuck went to sort out the bill while Luka helped Sam gather her things and go. Her legs felt like jelly and she found it hard to get her balance when she tried to walk so Luka carried her out to the car park.

She was unconscious again by the time he got to the car park. On his way to Susan's car he overheard Susan and Chuck talking.

"I feel sorry for Luka, I hope Sam's ok. This has pretty much ruined the evening for them two."

"You know something, Chuck, I can tell. What is it?"

"I really shouldn't tell you"

"Come on, I'm your wife, it's ok to tell me. Besides, I have ways of making you talk."

"Ok, Luka was going to propose to Sam tonight"

"Oh my God! This is not good"  
"What's not good? What do you know?"

"Sam is planning on moving out."

Luka had heard enough. He looked down at Sam, his Sam and held her as tight as he could for fear she'd leave right there and then.


	4. Chapter Three

_Here's chapter three of my fanfiction. Thanks for the good reviews. Let me know what you think._

Chapter 3

Luka sat in the back seat of the car with Sam beside him, her head leaning on his shoulder, his arm around her. He looked down at her, she seemed so peaceful. Then again, she always did when she was sleeping. He remembered the first night they had made love. He had just finished eating and was getting ready to settle down in front of the TV when Sam arrived at his door. He was surprised, sure she had kissed him but she had made no sign of wanting more since then. Even though he had already eaten he jumped at the chance to go out with her. Of course they never made it out of the apartment. She was only in the door when they started kissing, slow at first, they were still only getting used to each other, then the kiss started to get more frenzied as they could barely contain the need they felt for each other. He wanted her, more than he had wanted any woman in a long time. He smiled as he remembered the passion of that first time together. He had stayed up for a long time that night just watching her sleep; she looked just as she did now, peaceful and very beautiful. Somehow, no matter how much he looked at Sam, she still managed to take his breath away.

Sam opened her eyes to find herself in the backseat of Luka's car, in his arms with him smiling down at her.

"What are you smiling at?" she asked him.

"I was just thinking about you," he whispered to her.

She felt herself shiver slightly, he sounded so sexy when he whispered like that. Something about the accent that just got her every time.

"What about me where you thinking about?"

"I'll tell you later," he said to her and he planted a kiss on her forehead. "How are you feeling?"

"A little tired and confused. Where are we going?"

"To the hospital to see what made you faint."  
"And don't think of trying to get out of it," Susan said from the driver's seat, "It's two against one!"

"Fine, I'm sure it's nothing though."

"Let's hope you're right." Luka said to her.

Sam cuddled up closer to him and he held her tighter. Looking down at her he couldn't imagine not waking up beside her everyday. She wouldn't really leave him, would she? No, he said to himself, she loved him and he loved her. They wouldn't give up, they couldn't give up. At the same time, he did have to think of her track record, she was the type who would run away from her problems.

He closed his eyes and rested his head against hers. Now was not the time to be thinking about this, she was clearly unwell. He would just worry about her health for now and figure out if she was going to stay with him later. Right now, cuddled up in the back of the car, he didn't want to think of ever letting go.

Carter walked into the room, Sam was sitting up in the hospital bed and Luka was in the chair beside her, holding her hand. He went over to them and told them Sam's test results.

"You're pregnant"

"What!" Sam cried. She had never felt so shocked, well except when she found out she was pregnant with Alex, but she had kinda expected that!

"You're pregnant. I take it that you had no idea," Carter said, and Sam just shook her head in response.

"The bad news is that you're blood pressure is quite high, we want to keep you in for observation. Also, it seems that there has been some spotting, we're just waiting to get the machine to do an ultrasound to make sure everything is ok."

Carter stood there waiting for a response but neither Sam nor Luka said a word. Taking his cue, Carter said that he would give the two some time alone and he left the room.

They just stayed where they were, neither of them speaking. Sam leaned forward in the bed and put her head in her hands. She was pregnant, again! Just what was she going to do? She sat there thinking of Alex, how would she tell him? Would he be ok with the news? And what about her and Luka, their relationship was shaky enough on its own, would it survive this? A million questions were going through her head all at once and it was just too much for her to handle. She didn't have the answers, and that scared her. When she was pregnant with Alex she had lost almost everything, she didn't want that to happen again.

Luka had been over the moon at first to hear the news; his hopes were dashed when Carter mentioned spotting. He thought once again of what he had heard Susan saying, would Sam still move out? Would he end up being one of those fathers who only got to see his children at weekends? He couldn't imagine her staying with him just for the baby's sake. Then again, he wouldn't want that to be the only reason she was staying with him either.

Sam looked over at Luka who was watching her. She tried to sense what he was thinking but he face gave nothing away.

"What do you think about all this?" Sam eventually gathered up the courage to ask him.

"Are you ok with it?" he asked her.

Sam just sighed, even now, when they had just found out she was pregnant he still couldn't tell her what he was feeling. He had to throw it back to her feelings, it was so infuriating.

"Are you ok with it?" she asked him back. Two could play this game.

"You're just repeating what I said, that's not answering my question. What are you feeling right now Sam"

"Right now? Right now I'm wondering why you can't open up to me; you've just found out that you're going to be a father. Don't you have something to say about that?"

Luka stood up and walked over to the wall and stood there, his back to Sam. Why did everything have to be a struggle with her? Couldn't she just see that he didn't like talking about his feelings and leave it at that?

Sam stared at Luka's back willing him to turn around and talk to her. She could feel him slipping away, just like her parents did when she told them she was pregnant, just like Steve left, just like all her friends had left.

"Why do you have to push me so hard Sam?" Luka said.

He then turned around when he heard no reply, he was about to yell at her when he noticed that she was crying. He went back over to the bed and put his arms around her.

"Everything will be ok," he said as he pulled her into a hug.

"You don't know that."

Sam pulled away from Luka. He took a tissue from his pocket and wiped away her tears.

"Should we be together?"

Sam had finally asked the question that she had been putting off for some time now. It was the baby that made her finally ask, she needed to know if they could work things out before the baby came along.

Luka didn't quite know what to say, was she going to leave him now? When they had just found out they were having a child together?

"What makes you ask that?" he asked.

"We don't communicate Luka. I never know what you're thinking, what you're feeling. You shut me out, Luka. That's not the sign of a healthy relationship."

"It's not as if you're such an open book Sam. I have to force you to talk, you never volunteer to tell me your feelings."  
"I know, but I don't feel comfortable talking to someone who won't talk to me. It's a trust thing."

"You don't trust me?"

"I trust you Luka, I just don't know if you even want to be with me anymore."

Another tear slipped down her cheek. Luka turned away from her; he couldn't bear to watch her cry. Not when he knew that he was the one who caused her so much pain.

"Say something Luka, please!"

Sam sat there unable to move. She couldn't even see Luka's face, what was he thinking? She couldn't do this anymore, it hurt so much.

"I'm thinking of moving out. I think we need space."

Luka couldn't believe she was going to break up with him now. He turned around and faced her; he could see the pain in her eyes. He didn't blame her for wanting to leave him, not when he could see just how much he was hurting her. But he selfishly didn't want to let go, and he wasn't ready to open up.

"I was going to propose to you tonight?"

Now it was Sam's turn to be speechless.

"Do you really think that us getting married is such a good idea?" she finally said.

"I guess I just thought that you would love me enough to see how hard I was trying to make you happy," he yelled at her. "Do you really want to know what I'm thinking? I'm thinking how sometimes, with you, it seems I can do nothing right. I'm thinking about our child, the child which this very minute could be dead anyway."

Luka stopped there; Sam didn't move, the tears running fast down her face now. There was no way she would take him back now. He couldn't stand the fact that he'd lost another love and more than likely another child, a child that wouldn't even get the chance to be born. He picked up the plastic chair that was beside the bed and threw it across the room. Sam jumped at the sound of the chair crashing into the trolley on the other side of the room. Carter and Susan came into the room to see what had happened. Luka took one look at the fear on Sam's face and he stormed out of the room.

Susan and Carter went over to Sam. She looked so lost and alone sitting in the bed, her face wet with the tears and her eyes red from crying. Susan sat on the bed beside her and just took Sam into her arms. Sam let Susan comfort her, glad to have someone with her.

Luka lay down on the motel bed. He couldn't go back to his apartment; Sam's stuff was everywhere there. He closed his eyes but all he could see was Sam's face as he had last seen it, the pain in her eyes and the fear on her face. She was better off without him, she deserved so much better. He looked at the small ring box that was in his hands before throwing it on the floor.

Sam was lying in the hospital bed. She'd have to wait until the morning to have the ultrasound. But she wasn't thinking about that. She wasn't thinking about anything, she just lay there, unable to sleep, unable to cry anymore. She just felt completely numb.


	5. Chapter Four

Chapter Five

"How is she?" Susan asked Carter.

The two of them were standing outside Sam's room. Carter had stayed with her the whole night, they didn't want to leave her alone for the night.

"The same, she's asleep at the moment. Any word from Luka?"

"No, I tried the apartment but he wasn't there."

"I'm so tempted to go find him and drag him back here, I can't believe he left her alone at a time like this."

"A time like what?" Susan and Carter turned to find Alex standing beside them. They didn't even notice him come over and they were both wondering just how much he might have heard.

"What are you doing here?" Carter asked.

"My friend's mom dropped me off here cause there was no one at home. Frank told me that Mom was here, is she ok?"

Susan knelt down in front of Alex, "Your mom is fine, she just fainted last night and we had to keep her in for observation. I'll just go in and let her know that you're here."

"OK," Alex said. He was sure his mom was fine, but he could sense that something was wrong. He was willing to guess that it had to do with Luka, he didn't see him anywhere and Dr Lewis hadn't mentioned him. He wondered where Luka was, he wasn't at home and he didn't seem to be here.

Sam turned over in the bed and opened her eyes. She looked at the clock, she had been asleep for one whole hour. No wonder she felt so tired, the bed was really uncomfortable, even if she hadn't been thinking about Luka and her baby all night she would have found it hard to get to sleep. She looked over at the door, she could hear Susan and Carter talking outside, she couldn't hear what they were saying but she guessed it was about her. Carter had stayed with her the whole night, they didn't talk but she did find it comforting to have someone there. She just wished that person had been Luka.

She was here pregnant with his child after all. She wondered if the baby was still alive, did she want the baby? She sure as hell didn't want to be a single mother with a eleven year old and a new born baby. But she also didn't want the baby to die, she loved it already. She stared at the ceiling, Luka hadn't come back, hadn't even called. She doubted he would be back, she'd end up having to have this baby and raise it on her own. She had done it with Alex, she could do it again. The only thing was she didn't want to have to do it alone.

As she was thinking that Susan came into the room, she had a bag in her hand. Sam sat up in the bed and watched her friend.

"I brought you some clothes, just jeans and stuff, I thought you might want a change of clothes." Susan put the clothes at the end of Sam's bed and sat down.

"Thanks Susan."

"No problem, that's what friends are for!" Susan answered. "Alex is outside, do you want to see him or do you want me to say that you're sleeping?"

"Tell him he can come in. I have to talk to him about some stuff anyway," Sam said as she rubbed her temples and pushed her hair out of her face.

"Sam, are you ok? Stupid question really, but do you need to talk or anything?" Susan asked, her voice full of concern.

"I don't think Luka is going to come back, and. . . . . . being a single mom just sucks sometimes!"

"Being a mom is hard enough, and I have Chuck to help me, I don't know how you've managed with Alex, you're so young."  
"I feel a lot better now, Susan, thanks!" Sam said with a hint of sarcasm in her voice.

"Sorry. But you won't have to do this all on your own, I'm willing to lend you a hand, help you out if you need it or just listen to you complain. Just remember that, ok?" Susan said, Sam looked so lost at the moment, it was not something she was used to, Sam was always such a strong person, always so full of life. And now, . . . . . she just hoped that the baby was ok, Sam at least deserved that.

"I'll get Alex for you," she said, getting up from the bed.

At he door Susan turned at looked at Sam once more. God help Luka when she got her hands on him, what was he thinking, leaving like that?

Sam waited for Alex to come in, she hoped she didn't look too bad, she didn't want Alex to worry. She had to be strong, for his sake. Susan had looked so worried when she had been in, it wasn't very reassuring. But Sam was glad to know she had her friend's support, she might need it. She turned to look at the door when she heard it open, Alex came in.

Alex went over to his mother and sat up on the bed beside her. She looked so pale, he hadn't been worried before but now he was. Was she ok? She gave him a big hug, and he let her. He didn't feel embarrassed, for once he needed the comfort of his mother's arms around him. Something was definitely wrong, he could sense it.

"Mom?" he asked, pulling back and looking her up at her face.

"Yeah?" she answered, she could tell he was worried, it was there in his eyes.

"What's wrong? I mean why are you in hospital? Are you going to be ok?"

Sam was a little taken aback, not quite sure which question to answer first.

"I'm fine," she said, "Last night, I fainted and they wanted me to stay in over night just to make sure everything was ok, and it is."

"Good, I don't want you to be sick. Who would be there to cheer me on in the match on Wednesday?"

Sam let out a little laugh, "We wouldn't want that to happen!"

Sam took a deep breath as her son sat beside her, watching her face intently.

"I have something to tell you"

"What?" he asked.

"Well, you're going to have a little brother or sister. I don't want you to feel left out or anything, I know it's been just you for some time now. I'll always have time for you, and I'll never stop loving you, never! A new baby won't change that, and I want you to feel free to talk to me about any worries you have, ok?" She took in another breath, she had pretty much said all that in one breath, she was so nervous as to what Alex's reaction would be.

"Cool! I hope I get a brother."

It would seem she needn't have worried, he was excited about the news. She hugged her son once again.

"You know it could just as easily be a girl."

"Having a sister would be cool too, I suppose. Can I help you pick out a name?"

"Sure, just as long as it's not some wrestler's name or something."

"Would I?" Alex asked, looking at his mother with a seemingly innocent smile on his face.

They were interrupted at that moment by Carter, who came in to tell Sam that the obgyn was ready to see her now. Alex went outside with Carter so his mom could get dressed, and Carter was faced with a bombard of questions from the eleven year old about babies and what it was like to have a sibling. Carter just wondered how Alex could be so full of energy all the time, he couldn't eat much sugar due to his diabetes, it was a puzzle as to how the child was so hyper. He understood why Sam was so tired all the time, listening to Alex was enough to tire any one out!

Luka drummed his fingers on the steering wheel, he was stuck in traffic on his way to work. He wondered how Sam was doing, was the baby alive? He doubted it was, surely someone would have contacted him if it was. He hadn't been home yet, he wasn't sure if Sam would want to keep the apartment or if she would find somewhere else. He didn't mind, it would be easier for him to move. Not that he wanted Sam and Alex out of his life. He wanted nothing more than to run up to see Sam the minute he got to the hospital, he didn't think he'd be wanted though, not after last night. Deep down, he knew that he had pushed her away, that he had shut her out. He just wasn't ready to be that close to anyone again, he didn't know if he ever would be. All he did know was that he loved Sam more than he had ever loved any woman, he had hoped that his love would be enough. He could see now that it was selfish to expect her to be completely open with him when he wasn't going to return the favour. It just hurt so much, he was glad she wasn't working that day cause he knew that seeing her would be torture. He wasn't sure how he was going to live without her, he had to let her go though. It was better for her that way.

Sam was on yet another hospital bed waiting for the obgyn to come in. She was as nervous as hell! Alex was with her, prattling on about some new video game he had played at his friend's house, she just nodded her head and kept saying things like "Wow" and "Really?". He didn't seem to notice her lack of attention though. Susan was there with her, for moral support.

Susan didn't say anything, she was just listening to Alex. She knew that he was a good kid and all, but she hoped Cosmo grew up to be a little less hyper and a lot less of a handful. But Alex really did seem to care for his mom, and she hoped that Cosmo would be the same in that regard. The doctor came in finally and Susan felt Sam grip her hand, she rubbed it reassuringly.

The doctor applied the gel to Sam's stomach, she jumped slightly at how cold it felt. Then she held her breath as the doctor tried to find the baby's heartbeat. She held on tighter to Susan's hand. She hadn't realised just how worried about the baby she was until that moment when she would find out if it was alive or not. She couldn't look anymore, she screwed her eyes shut.

And then she heard it, her baby's heartbeat. She opened her eyes and looked at the screen.

"Do you want to know the sex? You're twelve weeks along and I can tell you now if you want" the doctor asked.

"Is it a boy?" Alex asked.

The doctor looked at Sam expectantly.

"You might as well tell him, life won't be worth living until he knows" Sam answered.

"Well, it's a girl, congratulations!"

"Can I still teach her how to play soccer?" Alex asked.

"Yeah, of course."

"OK." Alex shrugged.

The doctor left them alone, after telling Sam that the baby was fine but she should really just rest for the next few days. Alex went off to get some food from a vending machine and Sam and Susan were left in the room.

Sam got down off the bed, the scan pictures in her hand. She looked at the pictures once again, she was having a girl. She was happy, happier than she had been in a long time. She knew that raising this baby on her own would not be easy, but she loved it now and she didn't think she would have been able to have coped with having a miscarriage, not with everything else that was going on in her life.

She thought briefly of Luka, what he would think of being a father again. But she stopped herself, he made it clear last night that it wasn't going to work between him. She shook her head and followed Susan out of the room. The two started talking about all the gossip in the ER and Sam forgot everything for a while.

Alex was making his way to the doctor's lounge in the ER, where his mom told him to meet her when he was finished at the vending machine. He was at the admit desk when he spotted Luka there picking up a chart. Alex just couldn't contain his anger. He ran up to him and kicked him sharply in the shin, it was good to know all the soccer practice came in handy now and then.

Luka looked down at Alex, that boy sure could kick. He was sure it would leave a bruise.

"What was that for?" he asked Alex.

Alex looked up at Luka, he couldn't believe that he even had to ask! Wasn't it obvious?

"That's for my mom" he yelled at the tall Croatian.

Then he kicked him again, "And that is for breaking your promise. You're no better than my dad!"

Alex ran off to the doctor's lounge before Luka had a chance to answer. He just hoped that his mom didn't find out, she wouldn't be happy to find out he was being violent. At the same time he didn't regret what he had done, it may not have been the right thing to do but kicking Luka had sure felt good!

Sam was in the doctor's lounge with Carter waiting for Alex. She was ready to go home, she just wasn't sure where exactly home was.

"What are you going to do now?" Carter asked her.

"I'm not sure," she answered, "I'm moving out of Luka's, that's for sure. I just don't have anywhere to go. I suppose we'll have to stay in a motel for a few days. I haven't really thought this through, I had other things on my mind last night."

"That's understandable." Carter told her.

"You don't happen to know anywhere near here that's cheap but nice?"

Carter thought for a moment. He couldn't believe Luka just left like that, and now Sam was left with Alex and a baby without a place to live. He was sure that Luka would let them stay on in the apartment, but he could sense that Sam just wanted to get out of there as soon as possible. Then he got a somewhat crazy idea.

"I know someplace" he said.

"Yeah?"

"How bout you and Alex lived with me for a while?"

"I couldn't possibly do that," Sam answered, she was shocked he even asked.

"Why not? I live in that big house all by myself, there's more than enough space for you and Alex. I even have two spare bedrooms."

"I don't know. I wouldn't want to impose"

"You won't be, besides I wouldn't ask if I wasn't ok with it."  
"Yeah, but…"

"It would save you staying in a motel, and having to look for a new place when you're supposed to be resting. And it would save you on money."  
"Maybe, I'll move out as soon as I find a new place and I help pay the bills" she answered, she felt a bit strange just taking Carter up on his nice offer. She didn't know him that well.

"Nonsense, it's not like I struggle to pay the bills!"

It was that moment that Alex walked in the door. Sam could tell that he had done something that he probably shouldn't have done, he had a guilty look on his face. She was just too tired to question him about it, all she could do was hope that it wasn't too bad. Like the time he stole the finger.

"Hey Alex," Carter said, "How would you feel if you and your mom moved in with me for a while?"

"Do you have cable? Will I get my own room?"

"Yes and yes, I live in a house so there'll be plenty of space for you."

"It's ok with me so," Alex said.

"So it's settled then" Carter said turning to Sam.

Sam had been lost in her own thoughts and hadn't been listening to what they were talking about. She had a feeling that she should have been though.

"We're moving into Carter's" Alex answered, a huge grin on his face. He was glad they didn't have to stay in a motel or worse, go back to living with Luka.

"Fine," Sam said, she knew she was out voted. Living with Carter wouldn't be so bad, it did beat having to find a new apartment.

Luka was just going to check on one of his patients when he saw Sam and Alex leave the hospital with Carter. He could only see the back of their heads, he didn't know how Sam was doing. I took all of his strength to stop from running over to Sam and taking her into his arms. Now was not the time, he couldn't just go up to her like that now. Not after what had happened between them the previous night.

He could tell that Alex was talking quite excitedly about something. He absentmindedly rubbed his leg when thinking about Alex, he hadn't thought about how Alex would take the break-up. It was obvious that Alex blamed him, but then again he kind of blamed himself as well.


	6. Chapter Five

Just want to say thanks to everyone who has reviewed this story, so glad you like it!

Chapter 5

Susan was giving instructions to Chuny for one of her patients. Once Chuny left Luka spotted his chance to talk to her. She was starting to walk away when he called her name.

"What?" she said turning around, not too pleased to find that it was Luka who was calling her.

"I was wondering how Sam is," he said walking over to her.

"You were wondering how Sam was and decided to ask me? Why should I know?"

"You were there last night, I figured you'd know" he answered.

"I _was_ there last night, I was there with Sam this morning and I was the one who held her hand when she had the ultrasound. The question that needs to be asked is where were you?" Susan said happily venting her anger at Luka for leaving Sam like that.

"We had a bad argument, I didn't think she'd want to see me."

"Bull shit Luka, you should have been there and you know it."

"There were two people in that argument, Sam was the one who wanted to leave. I just did the leaving for her." Luka said through gritted teeth. The last thing he wanted was for all of the ER to hear their discussion.

"Maybe she did want to leave but you didn't have to leave her alone in a hospital bed! There's a time and a place for leaving someone." Susan half yelled, she didn't care who heard but for Sam's sake she didn't want to make too big a scene.

"Don't you think I was hurting too?"  
"You could of at least had the courtesy to go and see her this morning if that was the case."

"I had to work." Luka said knowing how pathetic he sounded.

"I'm your boss, I would have understood." Susan answered.

"Can't you just tell me how she is?" he pleaded.

"It's not me you should be asking."

Luka decided to give up then, he knew that Susan wasn't going to cave. Ever since he saw her leave the hospital six hours ago he hadn't been able to get her out of his mind. He was worried about her, was she ok? He just couldn't bring himself to call Sam, he was afraid of the reception he would get. Although, more than that he just wasn't ready to hear that she had had a miscarriage, not yet anyway. He was sure she had lost the baby, he just had a gut feeling.

Sam was sitting on the couch in Carter's living room, there were boxes everywhere. Her and Alex had managed to pack all of their belongings in record time, although given the amount of times they had moved it wasn't too surprising. Alex was outside with Carter showing off his soccer skills or something, she knew that she should go and rescue Carter but she just didn't have the energy. She just hoped he was able to cope, Alex could be a bit overwhelming at times, especially if you didn't really know him.

She stared at her cell phone which was on the coffee table in front of her. Luka still hadn't called, it was so unlike him. She had really blown it this time, she sighed. She could do this without him, she raised Alex, didn't she?

It hurt so much. She had never let herself love someone so completely until Luka, and losing him just hurt almost more than she could bear. Sam put her hand protectively on her stomach, from now on her children would be the most important thing and she would never again let some guy mess up her life.

As she was thinking this Carter came in and flopped down on the couch beside her. He looked exhausted.

"Are you ok?" Sam asked him.

"Where does your son get all of his energy from?" Carter asked.

"His an eleven year old boy, they're all hyper like that."

"How do you do it? Be a single mother to a hyper eleven year old boy I mean"

"It's not so bad, he's a lot calmer then when he was a toddler, believe me"

"I have a new found respect for you." Carter gushed.

"He's not that bad, you get used to him" she said feeling a little defensive of her son.

"I hope so! He makes me feel old."

Sam just laughed at him. "How do you think he makes me feel? I'm his mother! I have a son who's eleven, that makes me feel old."

"You don't look old though." Carter said. "You ok with everything?" he asked.

"I'll live."

"I'm here if you need me, don't be afraid if you need anything."  
"You've already done enough in letting us stay here. Speaking of which, what do you feel like having for dinner, I'll cook. My own personal thank you."

"I'm not letting you cook me dinner, you have to rest, doctor's orders."

Sam smiled at him. "You remind me a lot of Mike, he's my older brother."

"Is that a good thing?" Carter questioned.

"Yeah, it is. He's a great guy, I miss him a lot. He always knew just how to make me feel better."

"You don't talk to him anymore?"

"No, I lost contact after I moved for the first time. He was away at the time so I never got to say goodbye. I tried writing to him but he never wrote back, my mother probably threw the letter out before he could read it. She never forgave me for getting pregnant at 15."

"That must have been tough. I lost my brother when I was younger, he died of cancer."

"I'm sorry" Sam said sympathetically.

They sat in silence and Carter put the TV on. Sam felt so comfortable with him. He was so much more open with her than Luka ever was. With Carter she knew that he would never hide from her, it was just a pity she couldn't get that from the man she loved.

Abby stormed into the doctor's lounge and slammed the door behind her. Susan jumped at the noise.

"What's with the door slamming?" she asked hesitatingly. She was having her first break after working five hours straight, she really didn't need another problem to solve. She had been going around fixing up Morris' mess all day.

"It's Luka, he's being a right bastard today" Abby said.

"I'm going to kill him, I really am." Susan fumed. "I've been receiving complaints all day, he almost got as much complaints as Morris."

"What's up with him? Did he have a fight with Sam?"

"Yeah, he stayed in a hotel last night. Of course, you heard none of this from me and you're not to go gossiping."

"I won't," Abby promised. "What are you going to do about him?"

Susan didn't get the chance to answer her, Luka was the next person into the lounge. And he also took his anger out on the door. He took one look at the two women before making his way to the coffee machine. Abby raised her eyebrows at Susan, which was her way of silently saying, 'well, do something'.

Susan shook her head, it looked like she was going to get her break after all. She went over to Luka, and Abby fled the room before the fireworks went off.

"Luka, I think you should go home and take the rest of the day off" Susan said.

"I'm fine, you don't have to do that." He answered.

"Yeah, I do. I'm having way too many complaints against you today, go home. And that's an order."

Luka didn't say anything, he just went to his locker and grabbed his things and went out the door.

Susan breathed a sigh of relief. She hoped he was in a better mood tomorrow. She could hear Morris arguing with someone outside and really wished she could just hide in her locker. She was seriously considering it, but she realised that it would never work. There was no way in hell she'd fit!

Alex walked into the living room looking for his mother.

"Mom?" he cried.

"Shh!" Carter whispered and pointed to the figure beside him.

Alex walked over and saw that his mother was asleep on the couch, Carter had covered her with a blanker.

"What did you want?" Carter asked Alex.

"I was just wondering about dinner."

"I could order pizza" Carter offered.

"Sounds good. Could I ask you for a favour?" Alex asked.

"That depends, what do you want me to do?"

"It's my mom's birthday the day after tomorrow. Luka was supposed to bring me out so I could get her a present, but I don't think he'll be doing that."

"And you were wondering if I would take you?"

"Well I can't ask my mom to! Will you?" Alex asked, a pleading tone in his voice.

"Yeah, that should be ok. I'll just have to check with your mother first, I'll tell her we're going to the park or something."

"Cool. Are you going to order the pizza soon?"

"I'll go do it now," Carter said getting up from the couch. "Just don't wake Sam, she needs her rest."

"OK, I won't" Alex said while settling himself down where Carter had been sitting.

When Carter was gone Alex fixed the blanket on his mother so that she was nice and warm. Then he turned his attention to the TV, he found ESPN and watched skateboarding. He kept the volume on low though, looking at his mom briefly to make sure he hadn't woken her.

Luka made it to the apartment and opened the door. He could tell right away that Sam had been and had taken all of her stuff. The place seemed so empty now, he already missed having her around. He even missed Alex's mess.

He went into the kitchen and found a note from Sam saying that she had left and was staying at Carter's until she found her own place.

He had been hungry, but now his appetite was gone. He noticed that the note was tear stained. He left it on the table, the last thing of hers in the apartment, he didn't want to part with it.

He made his way to the bedroom. He was so tired, once in the room he lay down on the bed. He knew he wouldn't be able to get much sleep. Not without her beside him where he knew she should have been. He turned his head to look at her side of the bed and that's when he noticed the envelope on the pillow. He picked it up and looked at it. When he saw what it was he couldn't stop himself from crying.

It was a picture of his baby, the one he thought was dead. It was from the scan Sam had had that morning. Underneath the picture Sam had written, '_Baby girl Taggart-Kovac" _

This time the tears were tears of joy as he realised that his baby wasn't dead after all.


	7. Chapter Six

Chapter Six

"Who's this?" Alex asked pointing to a picture of him as a baby in the arms of an old woman. He was sitting with his mother, who was still in bed, and she was showing him his baby pictures.

"That is your great-grandmother." Sam answered.

"Are there any pictures of your parents, my grandparents with me?"

"No," Sam hated when her son asked questions about his grandparents. Usually she would quickly change the subject, today she just hoped he didn't ask any more about them.

"Didn't you live with them? When I was a baby, you were only 15 after all." Alex said.

"I moved out when I was pregnant, my parents didn't approve. Let's see what other pictures we have here." She answered turning the page of the photo album.

"Did my grandparents ever see me?" Alex continued, he was not going to give up this time, he wanted to know why he never saw them or heard about them.

Sam sighed, Alex was watching her patiently waiting for an answer, she didn't like talking about her parents and how they had cut her out of their life.

"No, they didn't. They blamed me for getting pregnant and so I went to live with my grandmother. My parents never came to see me again."

"I'm sorry" Alex whispered.

"For what?"

"It's because of me that you had to leave your mom and dad, if you hadn't had me you would still talk to them today."

"Alex, I don't regret having you. And as for my parents, I think they're the ones missing out, they never got to meet their wonderful grandson. I've got you, that's all that matters."

Alex was quiet for a few moments. Sam hoped he didn't blame himself, she didn't blame him. She blamed her parents and Steve on the good days, and herself on the bad days. Sure when he was born she pretty much blamed her little baby for everything, but it wasn't long til she realised that Alex had done nothing wrong.

"You know that's it not your fault, right?" Sam asked him.

Alex just shrugged.

"It's not, I would never say that it was. And I'm your mom, so I know these things." Sam said as she swept her son into a hug before he could protest.

"Why do people always leave?"

Sam drew back from Alex, astonished at the question he had just asked. Is that how he felt? That people always leave in the end? She couldn't blame him really, she felt the same most of the time.

"What makes you ask that?"

Alex shrugged. "Your mom and dad left, my dad left, Luka left. Why do they do that?"

"I don't know, Alex, I really don't." She had asked herself the same question so many times, she never could find an answer to that.

"But you know, I'll never leave, I promise! And I hope that you'd never leave me, so we have each other if nothing else."

"Yeah," Alex smiled, "And we also have my little sister." He added pointing to his mother's stomach.

"See, and she won't leave either."

"I wish Luka didn't go, then she would have her dad around."

"Maybe he will be there for her" Sam offered not sounding very sure.

"You don't believe that!" Alex retorted.

There was another silence. Sam was thinking of how wonderful it would have been to have one child whose father cared enough to be around. Alex was thinking of his dad, no matter how many times his dad left he still just wanted his dad to love him. His friend, Austen, had his dad around to take him to soccer practice and to play baseball with, he just wished he had that.

"I got another letter from dad."  
"What did he have to say," Sam said holding her breath slightly.

"Not much. Why doesn't he want to be around me? He never stays with us for long, doesn't he want me?"

Sam was so not prepared for that question. What was she supposed to say? That his dad was a drug addict/alcoholic and that's why he was never around, because he would rather be high than to be with his son?

"I wish that he was around you more, I wish that he could see you as I see you. Cause if he did, then I know he would never leave. I don't know how he can even consider it, he has a great son, he just can't always see it. He does love you, I want you to remember that."

Alex just looked at her, she knew that Steve always had a tendency to hurt Alex, and it was always up to her to pick up the pieces.

"If I had my wish, I would give you a better dad. One that does all the things a dad should do." She added.

"What happened with you and dad? Why didn't you stay together?"

Sam thought back to when they did live with Steve. She remembered the arguments, the drinking, the drugs and she remembered the beatings. Sometimes it wasn't too bad, others . . . . . she'd rather not think of those times. She could hardly tell Alex the truth, it's not something he'd want to hear. Maybe when he was older she'd tell him. Or maybe not, did he really need to know what his dad used to do to her behind closed doors?

"We just weren't meant to be, I suppose." She answered, it was true enough.

Alex turned his attention back to the photo album, he never could get a truthful answer from his mother about his dad. It was just something he supposed he would never learn the truth about. He went to the back of the album and found a picture of him on his third birthday, he was sitting at the table with the cake in front of him and his dad was on one side and his mom on the other. He noticed that his mom's arm was in a sling, and she looked like she had a slightly bruised cheek.

"What happened to you here?" he asked.

"How am I supposed to remember?" she answered. "Shouldn't you be getting breakfast? Carter will be wanting to take you to the park soon"

Alex jumped off the bed and muttered an agreement, he wasn't sure why his mom was being so secretive about a broken arm that happened eight years ago. He shook his head she could be so mysterious at times.

Sam breathed a sigh of relief as her son left the room. She remembered Steve breaking her arm quite vividly, he had come home high and wanting sex. When she refused, he should her what he thought of it. That was most definitely not something she wanted to tell Alex.

Susan took one look at the mess around her and then over to where Cosmo was asleep on Chuck's lap. The two men in her life, each one as messy as the other. She laughed slightly and went over to the phone. She picked it up and dialled, on the second ring Sam answered.

"Hello?"

"Hi Sam, it's Susan. I'm just calling to see how you're doing?"

"Hi Susan, I'm feeling good. I'm getting used to this whole resting thing, Alex is actually doing things for me! I could get used to this."

Susan laughed down the phone. "How are you finding living at Carter's?"

"Well," Sam answered, "I think I made a good choice in deciding to crash at my friend the millionaire's house. It's a fantastic house. It was strange last night, I had fallen asleep in front of the TV and woke to find Carter beside me and he had put a blanket over me. He'd even fed Alex and told him not to disturb me, he's been great."

"You heard from Luka?"

"No, I guess he really doesn't want me."

"I'm sorry," Susan was unsure of how to comfort her friend.

"The worst thing is that Alex was really upset, he thinks that people just keep leaving him. His dad does all the time, and now Luka. He's upset, I can tell, he's just not able to show it."

"Poor kid!"

"I know, you want the best for your children but . . . . . there's nothing I can do about it, that makes it harder. I so want to fix it for him."

"I know, I feel the same about Cosmo. What are you doing today?"

"Nothing, Carter said I should stay home and rest, doctors orders, and he's taking Alex out to the park for an hour or two. I am also not to do any unpacking, you'd think I was an invalid!"

"Enjoy it while it lasts! I'm not doing anything later, if you want me to come over. We can sit around and bitch about men, or whatever you want, and eat chocolate."

"Sounds good, the chocolate and the bitching about men, I have to go, Alex is gesturing about something. I'll talk to you later!"

They hung up. Susan looked back over at Chuck and Cosmo, she was so lucky. Sam didn't have any support from Alex's dad when she had him. Chuck really was a night in shining armour. She went over to him, took Cosmo out of his lap and placed him in his play pen. Then she kissed Chuck.

"Thank you" she said

"What's all this about?" he asked, "Not that I'm complaining"

"Just, I love you. That's all."

"In that case, I love you too." He said kissing her back.

Luka was in the park. He turned around and smiled as he saw his wife, Sam, pushing their daughter on the swing. Alex was on a bench playing his gameboy; his family. He'd do anything for them. Sam looked up and saw him and she waved. She got their daughter to wave at him as well; his daughter's face lit up when she saw her father. Luka had never been so happy, it was a beautiful day.

He made his way over to them. Reaching Sam first he kissed her and then picked up his little girl and twirled her around in the air. Sam took the child back and asked him to get her bag which was under a tree, and he went over and picked it up.

When he turned back the park was empty and his family was no where to be seen. He ran everywhere trying to find them, yelling Sam's name over and over again. He couldn't find them. He went back to where they had been last and when he reached to swing he saw them, they were all lying there, blood everywhere. He fell onto his knees and cradled their lifeless bodies.

Luka woke up in a sweat, yelling Sam's name. It took him a moment to realise where he was, he was on his own bed, still wearing the clothes he had on the day before. He looked at the clock, he must have slept the whole night. In his hand he noticed the picture, and then he remembered. His baby was alive. He couldn't shake the dream out of his head though, it was more of a nightmare though. He knew all too well what it was like to really find you're loved ones in that state. He was not going to give up, not when there was still time to fix everything.

"Do you have any brothers or sisters?"

Carter had been out with Alex for an hour at this stage, he was getting used to the kid, he was even getting quite fond of him. It would talk a while longer to get used to the constant questioning though.

"I had one brother, he died."

"Oh," Alex said. "Did your parents stay together or did they divorce?"

"My parents are divorced."

"My parents aren't together either," Alex said, "My dad isn't around much."

Carter kinda felt sorry for Alex, his dad didn't sound like a great guy.

"So what do you think my mom would like?"

Carter was also still getting used to how quick Alex would change the subject.

"I don't know, I'm sure she'll love whatever you get her."

"Yeah. She's going to be ok, isn't she? And the baby?"

"Your mom will be fine, and the baby should be ok. She'll just have to take it easy for a while."

"Ok, let's look in here."

And with that Alex was in the shop before Carter realised it.

Sam was just finished watching _When Harry Met Sally,_ she thought that watching it might make her feel better, it turned out the opposite was true. Seeing Harry and Sally get together at the end of the movie only made her feel bitter. Things never worked out for her like that! She found herself cursing Hollywood for making people believe they too could have their happily ever after. She sure as hell didn't get hers.

The doorbell rang then, and she found herself being snapped out of her thoughts. She made her way to the door, wondering who could be at the door. She got to the door and said a small prayer that it wasn't some religious person trying to convert her, or someone trying to sell her stuff. She was so not in the mood to have to deal with that.

She opened the door and her heart stopped for a moment as she saw Luka standing on the doorstep.


	8. Chapter Seven

Chapter Seven

"Do you want to come in?" Sam asked Luka after she realised she had just been staring at him for the past few minutes.

Luka didn't say anything just followed her down to the living room. They sat down opposite each other, neither saying anything. Both feeling extremely uncomfortable, the tension in the air was so thick it would have taken your breath away.

"Do you want anything to drink? Coffee? Tea?" Sam offered.

"No, I'm fine, thanks."

Sam nodded at him and looked down at the floor as they settled into the all too familiar silence.

"We're having a girl?" Luka asked.

"Yeah," Sam said snapping her head up to look at him. "I'm twelve weeks along, the doctor said that she's healthy, there's nothing wrong."

"Good," Luka said nodding his head. He wanted nothing more than to pick Sam up and show her just how much he missed her. Instead he stuck with small talk.

"Where's Alex?"

"He went out with Carter." Sam so wanted out of this conversation. Things were so awkward and the gap between them seemed to be wider than ever. She was also pretty sure that if they kept up the nodding for much longer they'd do some sort of damage to their necks.

"Does Alex know you're pregnant?"

"Yeah, he's actually happy about it. He would have preferred a brother but he'll settle for a sister."

"Good," Luka nodded. This was ridiculous, he thought, they had lived together, shared their lives, shared a bed and now look at them. He wasn't sure he could take much more of this.

Sam could feel her eyes filling up; she looked up at the ceiling telling herself over and over that she was not going to cry. If only her eyes would listen.

Luka was watching Sam, he knew she was trying not to cry; he didn't blame her. This was not how things should be with them. He got up and went over to her sitting beside her.

"Sam?" he asked taking hold of her hand.

Sam moved her head to look at him; she smiled when he took her hand. Maybe they could work things out. He was here, that was the first step.

"What happened to us?" she asked.

"I don't know."

They settled back into a silence, this time it wasn't awkward though. Luka laced his fingers with hers, with his free hand he pushed a strand of hair out of her face, his hand lingering on her cheek.

"Come back," he said, "come home with me."

Before Sam could give him an answer he kissed her, his hand still cupping her face and his thumb caressing her cheek. It felt so good to be kissing her again.

Sam let him kiss her, she wanted to just get lost in her own little fantasy, and it felt good. It felt good to let herself believe that she too could get one of those movie endings.

The kiss got more intense and Sam could feel herself fall back on the couch with Luka falling on top of her. She threw her arms around his neck and let her hands run through his hair.

Luka moved away from Sam's mouth and started kissing her neck. His hands moved down her body and he started taking off her top.

Sam started pushing him off, wasn't there something she wanted to say to him? He could make her forget everything so easily.

"Luka, stop."

He sat back and looked at her, "What?"

She looked him in the eyes; they were full of lust for her. Her heart ached for him; she subconsciously put a hand on her stomach. She knew what she had to do.

"Sex is not going to solve anything!" she said.

"No, but we can solve things later, right now I need to have you." Luka said and he moved back in for another kiss.

Sam put her hand on his chest to stop him. Luka leaned back and sighed.

"There is nothing to solve," he said, "I love you, and now we're going to have a baby together." He put his hand over Sam's on her stomach.

"You're right, we are having a baby and I will not put another child through its parents' issues. We need to start communicating; we need to sort our problems now."

Luka stayed exactly were he was, saying nothing. His face was blank, Sam just closed her eyes.

"What are you feeling right now?" she asked.

Luka continued his silence, he just sat there. Sam opened her eyes; he made her feel so irrational sometimes. All she wanted was to know what he was feeling, that wasn't an outlandish request, was it?

"Are you happy? Sad? Angry? Scared?" she asked, he still just said nothing. "You must be feeling something."

"I'm fine" he said at last.

"LUKA!" she sighed. If they couldn't sort this out, if he couldn't talk to her . . . . She let a tear escape down her cheek as she thought of how much it hurt losing him.

Luka didn't know what to do anymore, Sam was clearly upset. He wasn't exactly sure why.

"Sam, what's wrong?" he asked gently.

She brought her knees up and hugged them to her.

"Why can't you talk to me?" she asked her voice so low Luka could barely hear her.

"I talk to you."

"No, you don't. Not really. You know so much about me, you know what I think and what I feel, you know about my past, I don't know any of that stuff about you."

"What do you want to know?" he sighed.

"Tell me about your life in Croatia, about your wife and children."

"Why is it so important to you that I talk about them?"

"Because they are a big part of you, a part which you keep hidden, its part of what makes you the man you are today. It's the part of you that you never let me see."

Luka said nothing, he hadn't realised just how much it meant to her for him to be open. But he just didn't want to do it; he didn't see it as being necessary.

"Talk to me God dammit!" Sam yelled. She felt that she had been stuck in this argument for way too long. They just kept going around and around in circles.

"Wouldn't you want me to tell you if I there was something about my life I was keeping from you?"

"Yes, I would and I know that there is, so why don't you tell me?" Luka said breaking his silence.

"I have not kept anything important from you," she lied.

"Yes you have. You don't feel you need to talk about them, right?"

Sam nodded her agreement, not liking where this was going.

"Well that's how I feel, and you can empathise with that but still you push me. Why?"

"You have seen most of my dirty laundry Luka, so don't try to turn this around to me. Besides, you really don't need to know."

"Tell me Sam, I think it's important that you do."

Sam got up from the couch and walked around the coffee table. She turned to face him again.

"What do you want me to tell you about Luka? How the first guy I dated after Alex was born raped me? Or how about all the times Steve used to beat me, there's the time he broke my arm, you don't want to miss the opportunity to hear that story!" She yelled at him, "Which would you like me to tell you Luka?"

Luka walked over to her and tried to put his arm around her but she wouldn't let him.

"Don't," she whispered. By this stage she had given up the fight against the tears and they were falling fast down her face.

"I don't want us to end Sam," Luka said inching closer to her, "I don't think I can live without you, without being able to hold you in my arms," he added while putting his arms around her, "without being able to kiss you." He kissed her forehead and leaned his forehead against hers. They were both crying now.

"Luka," Sam protested weakly.

"Don't leave me," he said.

It was almost too much for her, he sounded so hurt and lost. She didn't want to leave him but ……

"Can we sort this out? Can we start communicating?" she asked.

"All I know is that I need you, and not just you, I need Alex and our baby. I love you all so much, I love you so much Sam, and I can't lose you. Please don't let me lose you."

Sam said nothing; she just buried her head into his chest, inhaling his scent. She wasn't able to look at him, not after that speech. She could feel her heart breaking.

Luka clung onto Sam as if his life depended on it. He knew that he needed to fix this now or he would lose her forever. He couldn't have that, she meant everything to him. If she went he knew he would never be able to heal the pain.

"Marry me." He asked.

Sam drew back and looked him in the eyes. "Is that all you have to say?"

He doesn't answer her; she sighs, shakes her head and walks away from him.

"So are we over?"

Sam turns to look at him, a huge lump is forming in her throat, she didn't know the answer to his question.

"That's really up to you Luka." She answered quietly.

_When the day is long and the night, the night is yours alone,  
When you're sure you've had enough of this life, well hang on. _


	9. Chapter Eight

_For those who are worried I would just like to point out that I am a huge samka fan! Also that if I broke Sam and Luka up for good, my friend would kill me, or at least just hit me a lot. So just keep reading and see, this chapter ends on a happier note anyway_

Chapter Eight

There was a soft knock on her bedroom door, Sam groaned and yelled "Come in!"

Carter entered, "I come bearing coffee" he said holding up the mug so she could see.

He then went over and sat on the edge of the bed and handed the coffee to her. Sam took a sip and sighed contently.

"Coffee may not be a cure all, but its damn close" Sam said.

"I figured you might want some before Alex came in, he's kinda excited this morning."  
"What else is new? He hasn't been bothering you too much, has he?" Sam asked praying that Alex was behaving himself for once.

"No," Carter answered truthfully, well kind of, "How are you this morning?"

"I don't know, Luka left and to top it all off I am now twenty-six!"

"Happy birthday! You have nothing to complain about mind you, I'm older. Being twenty-six isn't so bad."

"Sure, why do you think I hang around with you anyway? It's comforting to have friends a good deal older than me, that way you're always the young one." She laughed.

"Hey," Carter protested punching her playfully on the arm.

Sam looked back at him, doing her best to look the picture of innocence. Carter laughed, he could have so much fun with Sam, and she was so easy to talk to. She was like your best friend, but, he realised looking at her, she was absolutely gorgeous. Even now when the hurt crept back into her eyes, she was breathtaking. He swallowed hard as he realised that he was falling for her. That was not a good idea, he told himself, she was pregnant with Luka's child and Luka was his friend.

Sam was still amazed at how well she got on with Carter; they had never really talked before. He really was just like her brother, she smiled sadly, she really missed him. Carter looked serious all of a sudden.

"What are you thinking about?" she asked wondering what had come over him.

Carter looked like a rabbit caught in headlights; he could hardly tell her he was thinking what it would be like to kiss her.

"Nothing much," he lied.

She could tell he was lying, that he was trying to cover up something but she didn't press him. It was probably personal.

"What time did Susan leave at last night?" he asked.

Carter and Alex had come home yesterday to find Susan in their kitchen making coffee. Sam had rung her after Luka left and she had come right over. Carter spent the evening playing video games with Alex hoping he wouldn't ask why his mother hadn't left her room.

Susan had done her best to console her friend, she had stayed really late, to which Sam was very grateful.

"Around midnight, I think." she answered. "Was Alex ok last night? He wasn't worried was he?"

Carter wasn't sure what to say, Alex hadn't actually said anything to him but he could tell he was worried about his mom.

"No, he was fine, you know what kids are like." He said deciding that Sam had enough to worry about.

As if on cue Alex came bounding though the door and jumped onto his mother's bed.

"Happy birthday!" he yelled beaming at her and handing her a small box.

Sam opened her present and found a silver locker inside.

"Alex," she said crying.

"Don't you like it?" Alex asked puzzled by his mother's reaction.

"I love it," she answered hugging him.

"Open the locket," he ordered.

Sam did and she saw that inside there was a picture of Alex.

"This is the best birthday present ever," she gushed "how could you afford it?"

"I had saved up and Carter helped" Alex admitted.

Carter looked slightly embarrassed, as Sam hugged him too.

"So this is what you two were up to yesterday." She said.

Alex just grinned at her; he was delighted that she liked the gift. It was comforting to see her smile, for the past while all she seemed to do was cry.

Sam felt the urge to hug her son again, so she did. She couldn't believe the gift; he really could be so sweet at times. When he had been four, he had drawn a picture of the two of them for her birthday; she remembered he had even been cute enough to put it in a box and everything. Sure it had been an old shoe box, and the picture was nothing more than a whole load of colours and two stick figures, but she had loved it. He was a lot older now but still as sweet as he had always been.

"I love the locket, where did you get it?" Susan asked. She was at the mall with Sam.

"Alex gave to me, a birthday present."

"Wow, I hope Cosmo is as nice when he gets older."

"You never know."

Sam looked around at all the clothes, she had been looking forward to shopping but that changed once she saw that not only could she not afford to be buying new clothes, it was also a bit redundant giving that she was three months pregnant and the clothes wouldn't fit her soon anyway.

"Do you want to forget shopping and go to the ice cream parlour instead? I'm not going to fit into this clothes soon enough." Sam said to Susan.

"Oh my God! I totally forgot, sorry," Susan apologised. "So much for my present."

"Don't worry about it; I'll let you buy me some ice cream instead."

"It's a deal," Susan answered, "Sorry again."

"Don't be, besides I kinda have a craving for chocolate chip ice cream anyway."

Luka was standing in Carter's hallway, Carter had let him in. Luka hadn't wanted to leave things the way he had with Sam, and it was her birthday so he wanted to give her, her present.

"Sam's not here," Carter said.

"Can I stay here and wait for her to come back?" Luka asked.

Carter felt really awkward around Luka, he wasn't sure if he should let him stay or not. Part of him was telling him to kick Luka out the door, but that was the part that wanted Sam for himself, the more sane part of him was telling him to let Luka stay. If he was going to patch things up with Sam it would be for the best really.

"Okay," he answered at last. "But if Sam wants you out when she comes out promise me you won't make a scene."

"I won't," Luka lied.

Carter knew that he was lying, but he also knew that his friend was deeply in love and he could understand that. He'd do the same.

The two men went further into the house. Alex was watching them from the stairs, they hadn't seen him there. He was mad that Carter would let Luka in like that. Wasn't he supposed to on his mom's side?

He didn't need Luka and his mom sure as hell didn't. Luka had hurt his mom and he still remembered quite clearly seeing Luka hitting his dad. This was not someone they needed in their lives; he didn't want his sister to know what a crappy father she had. And he was going to do everything he could to keep his mom and Luka from getting back together. She'd be better off with Steve, his dad, his sister would be better off with his dad.

"What are you doing here?" Sam asked Luka, she had come home to find him in the house and had not been too happy about it.

"I came to say happy birthday," he answered handing her a Tiffany's bag.

"You didn't have to do that." She said handing him the present back.

"Just open it; it's of no use to me."

She opened it and found a pair of diamond earrings inside. She was speechless; no one had ever given her a gift like that before. Steve had given her jewellery before but whatever he had bought her had turned her skin green, and the one bracelet that didn't turned out to be stolen.

Luka watched her intently. He could tell she was happy with the gift.

"Thank you" she said after a while.

"Your welcome," he answered.

They stood in silence for a while. Sam was fine with that, there was nothing more to say. She was sure that they had said everything last night. She hadn't expected him to come, but she stopped herself from thinking of what that might mean. It was over; she couldn't fight with him anymore.

"I'm not going to leave you Sam. I'm not going to leave my daughter either. And I'm not going to give you up that easily. I love you, and I am not going anywhere."

Sam was stunned, between this and the earrings she was speechless. She couldn't seem to form any words.

Luka wasn't sure if Sam had taken the news well or not, she seemed shell shocked. After what she had said last night about Steve beating her he guessed that she was pretty used to people leaving her life. He wasn't going to be another person on that list.

"Okay," she said once she found her voice. "I suppose we can try to be friends."

She knew full well that she would never be happy just being friends with him, but he was trying. Besides they'd have to get along, for the baby's sake.

"Sam, I can never be just friends with you."

They didn't get a chance to finish the conversation as they were summoned into the dining room. Carter had organised a special dinner for Sam, for her birthday. Susan and Chuck were there, along with Alex, Carter and Luka. It was just a small affair.

Carter saw Sam come into the room with Luka and he noticed that she was wearing diamond earrings; they had obviously been a gift from Luka. He couldn't help but feel a pang of jealousy. She looked stunning, she always did.

Susan noticed the way Carter was looking at Sam; he clearly had feelings for her. She leaned into him and asked, "John, just what is it with you and the women Luka dates?"

Carter smiled sheepishly, he would have to hide his feelings better.

The evening passed without a hitch. They all seemed to enjoy themselves. What Luka had said replayed over and over in Sam's mind the whole time. She couldn't help but notice the way he looked at her; she wasn't ready to commit to a relationship that clearly wasn't working. But it was obvious that Luka wasn't just going to walk away as others had done.

She caught up with him as he was walking out the front door after everyone else had gone.

"Hey," she said. "I have a doctor's appointment on Friday, just to make sure everything is still going smoothly. I thought maybe you'd want to come, and maybe we could grab a bite to eat or something afterwards?"

"I'd love to," he answered kissing her forehead.

Luka walked away then, he knew that she was willing to let him be a part of her life. It wouldn't be long before everything worked out for them. He had to believe that. He did believe that.


	10. Chapter Nine

Sorry it took me so long to update, I was really busy over the weekend, and then I couldn't log onto this site for the past two days. But on the bright side you are now getting two chapters!

Chapter Nine

Sam sighed as she stared out of the window of the el. She was on her way to County for her doctor's appointment. Ever since her birthday it had seemed that the world had gone slightly mad, or at least all of the men had. All the men that she knew had been acting so strange with her since then, she wasn't sure what to think.

Luka, who granted was always a bit of a mystery to her, was acting so weird. He was treating her like she was a bomb that could explode at any moment, but only if you angered it! He seemed to hold his feelings in tighter than ever as well, but that wasn't new. What was new was the way he would have this dopey grin whenever he looked at her, it was starting to drive her crazy. He was over at the house yesterday and every time she turned to look at him he gave her this goofy grin.

Then there was Carter, she thought they were getting on great, but since her birthday he had seemed to be ignoring her. He kept out of her way as much as possible; he wouldn't even sit beside her. If he did talk to her, he refused to look at her.

And Alex, who could hardly be called a man, but he too was acting out of character. He was very withdrawn, the only time she ever really saw him seemed to be whenever Luka was around. Yesterday he had stopped her from being able to say two sentences to Luka, and today, Alex tried practically every trick in the book to stop her from going to her appointment. She thought that maybe he felt left out, how he could when he seemed to follow her around everywhere was another mystery.

The one common thread between the three men was her, but she didn't want to think there was something wrong with her at first. But now, after three days she was raking her brain to try to see what she could possibly have done to make them act this way. She was drawing a blank; she had done nothing out of the ordinary. Carter must want her out of the house, but he had been so positive about the arrangement before.

Try as she might, she just couldn't understand the men in her life. She never had been able to understand Steve either, but she had put that down to him being high all the time.

She looked down at her stomach and patted it smiling.

"Thank god you're a girl." She whispered to her baby.

Standing at Admit, Carter let his mind wander. For the past few days all he could think about was Sam. Usually at work, he got a chance to forget all about his feelings, but today the ER was really slow. He had been doing his best to act natural around her and avoid too much conversation. The last thing he wanted was for Sam to find out how he felt, it hadn't taken Susan long to notice so he wasn't taking any chances.

It was so hard, trying to push his feelings aside and live with her. The temptation was right there, in front of him, and it took all of his self control to resist. He now knew that he had been in love with her for quite some time, he had just not let himself feel that way while she was happy with Luka. Not after what the two of them had been through with Abby. He had learned to leave well enough alone. He knew that he should leave this alone too; she was pregnant with Luka's child. But there were times, like the other night when Alex had wanted to watch a horror movie and Sam had taken comfort by hiding in Carter's shoulder, when it seemed impossible to walk away.

Sam chose that moment to walk into the ER, and he just stood there watching her. Luka would do that a lot and he could see why, even though she was just wearing jeans and a top, she was beautiful. She always seemed to be perfect, even first thing in the morning when she thought she looked like hell, there was just something there.

"CARTER?"

He shook himself out of his thoughts as he realised that Dr Lewis was trying to talk to him.

"Yeah?" He answered still watching Sam.

Susan looked in the direction of Carter's eyes and saw what he was so intently watching. Sam, she shook her head and turned back to him.

"Does she know how you feel John?" She asked.

"No," he answered peeling his eyes away from Sam to look her in the eyes.

"She's going to have Luka's baby you know."

"I know," he smiled sadly.

Susan couldn't help feeling a little sorry for him. He obviously liked Sam a lot.

Carter muttered something about checking on a patient and walked away quickly just as Sam was nearing the admit desk.

"Hey Susan!" Sam said looking after Carter with some puzzlement.

"Hi Sam, what are you doing her?"

"Doctor's appointment, I'm here to meet Luka. Have I done something to offend Carter?" she asked.

Susan took a deep breath, what to say?

"I think John is just stressed out at the moment, being a doctor is hard." She lied.

"It's just," Sam said after a moment, "I get the feeling that maybe he doesn't want me and Alex in his house anymore. He's ignoring me, and just now he walked away the minute I came over here. Has he said anything to you?"

"I don't know," Susan shrugged, "I think you should try to talk to him about it."

"I would if he didn't keep running a mile every time I come near him. Do you even have an idea of what it might be?"

Susan was saved from answering any further questions by Abby and Chuny, who had come over to see how Sam was doing. That was a close one; she'd have to talk to Carter about this. Sam thought that he wanted her out of the house, she was sure that wasn't the case. However, Sam would need to hear it from the horse's mouth, and Susan was afraid of spilling Carter's secret feelings if Sam continued questioning her.

Sam saw the relief on Susan's face when Abby and Chuny appeared. That could only mean that he fears had been right, Carter wanted her and Alex gone. She did her best to answer all of Abby and Chuny's questions about the baby and her health. All the while thinking of how soon she could possibly find a new place to live. She considered moving back in with Luka. She was sure he wouldn't mind.

Sam and Luka were waiting for the doctor in the examination room; Sam was sitting up on the bed her legs hanging off the side. Luka was just standing in front of her. Sam looked up at him and he gave her a big smile, she smiled back and quickly looked away. He was doing it again, and it really freaked her out.

Luka was afraid, afraid of everything he did around Sam in case she took it the wrong way and she ran away again. If she did that he would never see his child, he would never get another chance. He had the distinct feeling that this was his last chance to do things right with her. So he chose to say nothing most of the time, for the past few days he just made sure he was there with her but he wouldn't push her, just smiled at her.

Deep down, although he wasn't ready to admit it even to himself, he was also afraid of being a father again. What if he failed to save this child too? He wouldn't be able to live with himself if anything happened to this child. So a small part of him wanted to push Sam away, push her away so much that she would leave and he would never get to know his daughter and therefore he wouldn't have too much pain if she died.

Luka did not want to let himself think such things, instead he just said nothing and sat and smiled. In a way it was his own silent way of pushing Sam away without having to admit to himself that that was what he was doing.

The doctor came in and checked Sam's blood pressure and asked her a few questions about how she was feeling. Then she did an ultrasound, Luka felt a lump in his throat as he listened to his daughter's heartbeat, and saw her on the screen. He subconsciously grabbed Sam's hand.

Sam turned her head from the screen to look at Luka; he had shocked her by taking her hand like that. When she looked at him she could see how visibly moved he was. She had never wanted him more. Something about the little sight into his soul, more than she had ever been allowed to see, something about this burst of emotion from him made him sexier, if such a thing was possible. This was the man she loved, and she loved him more now. If only he could realise that the more she saw of him, the more she loved him. She knew that jumping him right there and then with the doctor present, was not a good idea. Even though it was what she wanted to do. She settled with lifting his hand, which was holding her own hand, and pressing it to her lips. Luka looked down at her then, and a single tear ran down his cheek.

"It's amazing, I know I've seen ultrasounds before, but, I forgot just how amazing it is when it's your child up there on the screen. She's perfect, just like her mother." And with that he bent down and kissed Sam on her forehead.

"Thank you," he whispered into her ear.

Luka was waiting in the car park, Sam had gone back to check what hours she was working next week. He took out his wallet and took out the picture of Danijela with Jasna that he had hidden at the back. Jasna would have loved to have a sister, he wondered where they were. Was there a heaven? He knew that if there was, the two of them would be there with Marko. Could they see him? See what he was doing with his life? Did they approve?

He still missed them; hardly a day went by when he didn't think about his children and what they would be doing now. Part of him felt guilty for being so excited about having a new child, almost as if it would be betraying Jasna and Marko.

"What are you looking at?"

Luka jumped slightly, startled by Sam's sudden appearance. He quickly stuffed the photo back into his wallet.

"Nothing," he answered, "You ready to go?"

Sam frowned; he was still keeping things from her.

"Sure, where do you want to go?" She answered, now was not the time to pick a fight.

"Do you mind if we go back to my place?" He asked.

"You're going to cook?"

"Yeah, I'll cook."

"I suppose that will do," nodding her agreement.

With that they got into the car and Luka started driving. The drive was taken in silence. Sam was thinking of Luka's reaction to seeing the ultrasound. He had been so full of emotion; she had never witnessed that before. That was what she wanted from him, to let down all of his shields when he was with her. She smiled as she thought of how gorgeous he had been. 'Thank God for the doctor', she thought, 'otherwise I'd probably have done more than just kiss him'. Her smile grew wider as she thought of just what she would have liked to have done to him.

Out of the corner of his eye Luka could see that Sam was smiling. He couldn't tell what it was she was thinking, but it didn't matter. She looked so sexy. But to him she always did, it was hard to be around her without his head eventually ending up in the gutter. No woman had ever had such an effect on him.

They made it into the apartment, still not saying anything. Luka took Sam's coat, and Sam leaned against the door, not quite ready to step further into the place that only last week had been her home. Luka stood in front of her and put his arms around her waist, he wanted to kiss her but he didn't want to scare her off.

Sam took the initiative and rose up on her toes so she could kiss him. Try as she might to think of something else, of anything else, ever since the hospital she had wanted to kiss him and now she finally gave into temptation.

Luka bent down and kissed her again as she drew back from him, pulling her closer to him. He slipped her hands under her shirt, gently rubbing her back. He stopped the kiss and lent his forehead against hers. His control was slipping. He just stood there, looking her in the eyes, his fingers massaging her back.

Sam did her best to keep breathing regular, his hands on her bare skin sent little shivers of pleasure through her. Usually she had better control then this; clearly it had been too long. She put her arms around his neck and drew him into another kiss, this one more passionate than before. Her hands drifted down his body to his waist and she pulled his shirt out of his trousers and started to undo the buttons.

Luka took a step back then; Sam looked at him, her face full of confusion.

"Are you sure about this?" Luka asked her. He wanted to make sure she wanted to do this; he didn't think he'd be able to stop if they continued any further.

"It's not like we've never done it before," she answered.

"I just want to know that you're willing to do this, what with everything that's happened in the last week. . . . . I just want to make sure you're okay with what we're about to do."

"I'm sure I want this. Do you want this?"

"Always," was his answer.

Sam was left staring at him, she wasn't expecting that answer. He just leaned down and whispered in her ear, "I believe you were taking off my shirt".

She closed her eyes as she felt his breath on her neck; it had been way too long. Before she had a chance to respond to him, he lifted her into his arms and carried her into the bedroom. Once there he gently laid her down on the bed. He took off his own shoes and socks and then removed hers. After which he lent over her and removed her top, throwing it on the floor.

Luka worked his way up to her body by kissing every inch of her exposed skin. Sam had her eyes closed and she arched her back with pleasure. Finally, after what to her seemed like a lifetime he made it to her mouth. His mouth lingered over hers; she wasn't sure how much longer she could wait. She licked her lips slightly and he took the moment to kiss her. She fumbled with the buttons on his shirt until he finally just pulled it off, ripping one or two of the buttons.

She ran her hands over his chest while hooking her leg over his and pulling him down on top of her again. They started kissing again and Sam turned her attention to his waist as she undid his belt buckle, and then slowly opened up the zip. Luka pulled back to look at her, surprised momentarily at how eager she seemed, she just smiled at him suggestively. He found himself being drawn into yet another kiss.

It was at that moment that he felt something vibrate; he stopped kissing Sam and said to her, "I never had this effect on you before."

Sam pushed him off. "It's my phone, sorry."

She fished her phone out of her pocket and answered it, with Luka sitting beside her and kissing her neck.

"Ok honey, I'm on my way." She said down the phone.

Luka looked at her and frowned, Sam laughed, he looked the image of a spoilt child upset because things hadn't gone his way.

"Tell me you're not leaving," he said while drawing small circles on her stomach with his fingers.

"I have to go, that was Alex on the phone, he says he's feel really sick. I told him I'd come home."

"Is he at home on his own?"

"No, Carter is with him. He had been at Austin's house earlier but he was brought home because he was unwell."

"Well then," Luka said kissing her neck again, "he's in good hands. We can continue from where we left off and I'll drive you home so you won't be long, well not too long."

Sam pushed him off once again and sat up on the bed.

"Luka I can't just have sex knowing that my son needs me," she half yelled at him, "He's been acting really strange lately, and he asked me to come home. You," she said kissing him on the tip of his nose, "are just going to have to wait."

Luka sighed, he knew Sam was right, that was the only reason he let her get off the bed and put her top back on. He knew that Alex needed her, and Alex probably needed her more than he did. He got off the bed and put back on his shoes and grabbed another shirt out of the closet.

Sam was making sure she had everything, aware that at some stage she had dropped her bag. She picked it up off the floor and stood up, feeling Luka hug her from behind, his arms now around her waist.

"I'll drive you home," he said.

"I'm sorry we got interrupted just now."

"Me too," he answered, "how about I cook you dinner at yours and then later we can pick up where we left off?" He whispered the last part, knowing full well that she turned to jelly whenever he whispered into her ear.

Sam nodded her agreement and turned around in his arms to kiss him. Something about his accent whenever he talked low like that made her quiver. She just about managed to pull back before things got too heavy and muttered, "Alex," as the hint that they should go.

"Sorry about your shirt," she said as they were walking out the door.

"I can always buy another." And he put his arm around her as they left the apartment building.

Alex was lying in his bed. He could hear his mother coming in the front door. He quickly stuffed the comic book he had been reading under the bed and pretended to be asleep. He wanted his mom to believe that he was feeling unwell; otherwise she would be angry with him for calling her home. He grinned slightly as he thought of how well his plan was working. So far this week he had managed to disturb every conversation his mom and Luka had. And now, he managed to cut her date with Luka short. He couldn't believe how fast his mom had let Luka back in, especially when he had heard back from his dad who told him that he still loved his mom. There was hope for his parents and Luka was getting in the way.

Sam came in the door and Alex slowly opened his eyes and watched her come into the room and sit on the edge of his bed.

"Hey honey how are you feeling?" She asked feeling his forehead.

"Tired," he answered weakly.

"Well you don't seem to have a temperature. Is your blood sugar okay?"

"Yeah, Carter made me check."

"Maybe it's just a bad cold or something, you don't look too bad."

"My tummy hurts," Alex said trying to sound as upset as possible so he would get a lot of sympathy.

"Aww, you poor thing. Do you want to come downstairs and watch a movie or something? I'll let you pick, anything if it makes you feel better."

"Sure," He couldn't believe how easily she was fooled, usually she could tell when he was faking, it, it was the down side to his mom being a nurse.

"Do you want me to help you down the stairs?" Sam knew full well there was nothing wrong with her son; she just assumed that he was feeling a bit left out, he was going to have to share her with a baby soon. She figured she would humour him, this once.

He shook his head, "No, I'm going to go to the bathroom first. So I'll see you downstairs."

"Are you sure?"

"Mom, I think I can manage."

"Okay, I'll go on down so. Yell if you need me."

Sam went into the living room to find that Carter had left; he needed to go to the shop and had been waiting for Sam to get home before leaving. Luka was standing in the middle of the room looking slightly awkward. She went over to him and he smiled when he saw her.

"How is he?" Luka asked.

"He seems to be okay. He's going to come down and watch a video, I think he just wanted me home. He hadn't wanted me to go today in the first place."

"And you think that he's acting up because of the baby?"

"Yeah, he probably just feels that the baby is going to take me away. It's understandable."

They stopped talking and let the silence take over. It only took a few seconds for them to be kissing again. Alex stepped into the room to see Luka's arms wrapped tightly around his mother, his mouth over hers. Alex felt his anger rise, how dare he do that! After all the pain he had caused his mother, after all the tears she had shed over him, now he was just back in their lives? Not able to control his anger any longer he picked up a vase that was on the table nearest him and threw it on the ground.

Luka and Sam jumped at the sound of the vase breaking. They turned around to see Alex standing there frowning. Luka swallowed back his anger; he knew that if he shouted at Alex it would only make the situation worse. Instead he started cleaning up the mess.

Sam ran over to Alex to make sure he was all right and hadn't hurt himself. He seemed fine, although smashing a glass vase didn't make him look that way. She looked at him questioningly, too shocked by his behaviour to speak.

"You're such a slut!" He yelled at her. "Only the other day you never wanted to see him again and now you can't get enough of him?"

Sam looked at her son, a lump forming in her throat. She tried to think rationally, tried to think that he didn't mean what he said, that he was just feeling out of sorts because of all the sudden changes. But she couldn't, what he said really hurt her, and there was no way of getting around that.

"Are you getting back together?" He asked.

"No," she answered, "it was just a kiss."

Luka winced at the words, even though he knew that Sam was only saying them to justify herself to her son, it still hurt. He picked up most of the pieces and brought them into the kitchen, when he went back into the room Sam and Alex were gone. He finished cleaning up the rest of the mess; he even found the vacuum cleaner and vacuumed until he felt sure he had gotten rid of every last shard of glass.

Sam came back down as he was putting the vacuum cleaner away.

"I think maybe it's best if you leave now." She said.

"Are you really letting Alex get away with this behaviour?" He asked.

"Don't think I'm not punishing him, it's just that . . . He doesn't want you here."

"He's going to have to get used to me being around."

"I know, just, please don't argue with me right now. I just can't take any more; it's just complicated with Alex."

"Okay," He said, "I'll go, but I really think you're giving in to him way too easily."

"I think I know how to raise my own son."

They both stared, Luka knew that he wasn't going to get anywhere by arguing with her. He swallowed back his anger and smiled.

"I'll see you tomorrow?" he asked.

She nodded and he kissed her briefly before leaving. She went into the living room and flopped down on the sofa. Luka had been choking back his feelings again, she knew that he had been angry, she had seen a glimpse of it in his eyes, but instead of saying anything he had just smiled. That smile that annoyed her so much, he only ever smiled like that when he was hiding how he was really feeling. Sometimes that smile really made her want to hit him over the head with a hammer.


	11. Chapter Ten

Chapter Ten

Alex was in the kitchen with Sam, both having breakfast. Alex was reading a letter that he had received and Sam was silently watching him, lost in her own thoughts. She couldn't get the argument she had had with Alex out of her mind. He had been very upset over Luka, he obviously hadn't forgiven him for hitting his dad, and he couldn't understand why she would want to stay with him. She hadn't realised just how badly he had been affected by his father's last visit. He had said some pretty harsh things to her, and she had ended up crying herself to asleep, something that she had been doing way too much recently.

Alex folded up the letter when he was finished reading it and shoved it into his pocket. He felt bad for how he had treated his mom the night before. He had just been so annoyed when he saw her with Luka that he took it all out on her. He knew he had to apologise but he was finding it tough to find the exact words.

"I'm sorry," it was no award winning apology, but he felt it was a good start.

"For what exactly?" Sam asked. She had expected Alex to refuse to speak to her for a few days. This sudden apology was very out of character for him.

"For what I said to you last night." He answered, "I didn't mean it, I don't think you're a slut. And I don't think you're a bad mother."

Sam smiled weakly at her son.

"Thanks, its okay to feel annoyed with Luka. Maybe you could talk to him about it?"

"Couldn't we just forget him and cut him out of our lives?" He asked.

"We can't just forget him; I'm going to give birth to his baby. I can't just shove him aside."

"That never stopped you from running away from dad." Alex mumbled.

"Things with your dad were different."

"How were they different?"

"Look, Alex . . . they just were okay? I really don't want to talk about this." Sam pushed back the tears threatening to fall. She really didn't want to have to tell Alex just what his dad was really like.

"Do you still love him?"

"Luka?"

"No, do you still love dad?" Alex knew that his mother didn't want to talk about it but he had to know.

Sam didn't answer her son, she just sighed.

"Did you ever love dad?"

"Yes," she said finally, "I loved him very much, but you know what your dad is like, he never kept his promises."

Alex didn't need his mother to answer his question now, he could tell from the answer she had just given that she did still love his dad. She just wasn't going to admit it. If he could just get his dad to come back and offer to stay with her, he knew that they would all be together again.

Sam felt like she was trapped in a corner, it was too late to turn back time and give Alex the life he deserved. The life where he would have the great dad who was always there for him, and they'd live in lovely house in the suburbs. Alex deserved so much more than she could give him. And now she was having another child, another child that she would probably end up raising on her own. Another child to whom she wouldn't be able to provide a proper life.

She sank back in the kitchen chair. She really hadn't wanted to screw up another child's life, and that's what she felt she was going to end up doing.

Alex, noticing that his mother looked really sad went over to her and hugged her really tight.

"I really am sorry for last night," he said, "I love you, and I think you're a great mom. I was just angry last night, I didn't mean it."

That forced a smile from Sam and she held Alex to her, kissing him on the head. Maybe she hadn't screwed him up too much. She'd do anything for him, and the baby, anything.

"So I hear Luka knocked you up," Frank said to Sam when she went over to admit.

"Yes Frank, he did, knock me up as you so adequately put it." Sam answered him not really shocked by his statement. Sure it was her first day back, but this was Frank and he was not one for joining a welcoming party.

"Is he going to make an honest woman of you?" This time the question was from Jerry.

"No, he is not." She said slightly irritated at having to answer questions on this already, she was only just after walking in the door.

"Jerry, keep up, she's moved out of Luka's. They're not together anymore." Sam wasn't sure how Morris had gotten that piece of information, but she was ready to kill him for spreading it around. Especially since he was spreading it right in front of her.

As if Morris could tell how Sam was feeling he was gone before she could even begin to think of retaliating.

"That Luka should learn some responsibility." Frank said shaking his head.

Sam couldn't stand there and listen to any more; her conversation with Alex that morning had been enough judgement for one day. She walked away and Jerry followed her.

"Hey," he said, "I didn't know you had moved out. I never would have said anything if I'd known."

"It's okay; I just don't feel like listening to Frank right now." She said and she flashed him a brief smile.

"I never want to listen to Frank, but we work together so it's hard to keep away from him."

Sam laughed, she understood that feeling, Frank could be a bit overbearing at times. Not as irritating as Morris though.

"So, I hear you're having a girl?" he made it a question.

"You heard right," she answered.

"Congratulations!" he added, "and just ignore Frank and Morris. If they bug you too much, you just tell me, I'll sort them out."

"Thanks Jerry." It was nice to see someone cared, she had always liked Jerry.

Jerry smiled at her and went back to admit. Sam ran her hand through her hair and headed towards the doctor's lounge. She was definitely going to need coffee if she was going to survive the rest of the day. Of course being pregnant she would have to have decaf, but desperate times . . .

She walked into the lounge and was about to walk right back out when she saw who was in there but Luka had already seen her and said hello. She couldn't leave now; she really wished she could have had real coffee.

Sam went over and poured herself a cup, she could feel Luka moving over to stand beside her and she felt his hand on the small of her back.

"How's Alex?" he asked.

She turned her head so she was looking at him, "He seemed better this morning. He apologised for last night, that's good."

"Good, good," was Luka's reply.

He moved closer to her, his hand slipped under her scrubs top. Sam let him; she was way too tired to try to stop him.

"I missed you last night," he said looking into her eyes.

Sam didn't say anything; she just stood there searching Luka's eyes. His hand playing with the skin of her back made her heart beat faster.

"I couldn't stop thinking of where we had left off yesterday." He had been up all night thinking about her, his body ached for her. Coming so close to having her only to get interrupted, had been driving him crazy.

Sam swallowed hard; she was doing her best to keep her composure. It wasn't easy. Luka bent his head down, briefly rubbing his head against hers. Their eyes were locked on each other.

Luka was taking the next step, moving in for the kiss. His mouth was a centimetre from hers when the door slammed shut. They both jumped at the sound, Sam stepped away from Luka.

"I should be getting back to work."

She was glad someone had slammed the door; it gave her time to come back to her senses. She was supposed to be taking things slow with Luka, just being friends. That plan was so not working, Luka had said that he could never be just friends with her, and it was clear to her now that he had been speaking the truth.

Luka could have killed the person who had slammed the door. First Alex the day before and now some anonymous person, there was only so much interruptions a guy could take. And each time they hadn't been able to finish what they had begun. He banged his fist against the counter in frustration.

Carter stormed out of the ER into the ambulance bay. He knew that he had no right to be mad, but the sight of Luka and Sam together like that had made him so angry. Luka was allowed to kiss Sam, he wasn't, and mostly he was just jealous of Luka. But he didn't see how Luka could treat Sam like he had and still get to be in her life. More than anything he wanted to be the one to be kissing Sam, to be touching her . . . but he would have to stop thinking like that.

Carter turned around to find Susan watching him, her arms folded.

"What's up with you?" she asked.

"Nothing," he answered.

"Really?" she didn't believe him, "Then you didn't get upset and slam the door to the doctor's lounge after seeing Sam and Luka together?"

Carter just looked at the ground, to embarrassed to look at her.

"John, you're going to have to talk to Sam about how you feel. She thinks you want her out of the house."

"What? I don't want that. Right now I may want Luka to disappear and for her to come running into my arms, but I really don't want her to move out. Whatever gave her that idea?"

"Maybe it's the fact that you won't speak to her."

"Shit! I just didn't want her to feel uncomfortable, and I figured she would if she knew how I felt about her. So I was just keeping my distance." He ran a hand through his hair. He had been so wrapped up in making sure she didn't find out, he hadn't thought about how avoiding her would look to her.

"Are you sure that it wouldn't be easier for you if she did leave? Especially if you're going to freak out every time you see her and Luka together."

"Hey, they were making out in there, that's why I freaked out. And I wouldn't want her to leave, she needs a place to stay and I'm happy to have her stay with me."

"And you're aware that even though she's living in the same house as you she is not going to suddenly realise that she loves you too?"

"I'm not deluding myself like that Susan, I know full well there is no way that will happen. However much I may want it to."

"Okay, I'm just making sure. I don't want you to get hurt."

"I won't, and I'll try to keep the freaking out to a minimum."

"Good," Susan hated being caught in the middle of situations like this.

"Just promise me you'll talk to her. She's been asking me what's wrong, if you don't fix things with her soon, I'll tell her myself." She meant what she said; she wasn't going to let Sam think she had done something wrong when she hadn't. Sam didn't need to have more stress in her life.

"Okay, okay, I'll talk to Sam later." Carter said sincerely.

"Glad to hear it. Now get your ass inside and get back to work."

"Yes ma'am," Carter said giving Susan a salute.

"Hey Sam could you help me in here?" Susan asked Sam, she was standing outside on of the examination rooms.

"Sure, what have you got?" Sam answered as she went over to Susan.

"Nineteen year old girl, she was badly beaten up. Says she was mugged but doesn't want to get the cops involved. She came in by herself and her clothes were noticeably torn, I think she was raped but she won't say. I want to see if she'll open up before I call social services."

With that they both went into the room.

"This is Sam, she's a nurse and she's just going to help me, okay?" Susan said walking over to where the girl was in the bed.

"Hi," Sam said sitting on the stool beside her. "What's your name?"

"Lisa," the girl answered.

"That's a pretty name. What happened to you?" Sam asked sounding concerned.

"I was attacked," Lisa answered.

"Did they take your bag or anything?"

Lisa shook her head.

"What did they do?"

Lisa looked down at her hands and started crying. Sam moved closer to the girl and gently rubbed her arm soothingly.

"Lisa," Sam got not reaction.

"Lisa, look at me," this time the girl looked over at Sam. "If some guys attacked you, then you should go to the police. They can catch whoever did this."

"I can't, my boyfriend he . . . I don't want to have to talk about what he did, it was all my fault anyway."

"How is you getting beaten up by your boyfriend your fault?" Sam had a knot in her stomach; the girl's story was turning out to be way too familiar to her own life.

Lisa didn't answer her question, she looked so ashamed.

"Does he beat you around a lot?"

"No," Lisa said shocked, "he has never done anything like that before. He's the perfect boyfriend; I was the one who ruined everything."

"It's not your fault; he should not have done this. If he really was a perfect boyfriend he wouldn't have done this."

"I wouldn't sleep with him," Lisa said as if that answered everything. "He's done nothing but be supportive to me and he got annoyed that I wouldn't sleep with him. I had slept with my last boyfriend but he dumped me the next day, so my boyfriend started saying that I didn't love him and stuff. Then today, he came to see me and he was drunk, he said he was fed up waiting and he . . . he . . ." Lisa couldn't finish her sentence, she just sobbed.

Sam put her arm around the girl; she really thought she was to blame.

"Did he rape you?" she asked.

Lisa just nodded. Susan started saying that she was going to go ring the cops but Lisa stopped her, she still didn't want the cops involved. Susan looked over at Sam; they had to convince the girl somehow. Sam took a deep breath and turned back to Lisa, she took her arm back and made Lisa look at her.

"Lisa, look at me, okay?" Sam sighed, "When I was a year or two younger than you, some guy I went out on a date with raped me too. He told me that it was all my fault. That because I had a kid dating me came with an unsaid promise of sex. Of course I hadn't wanted to sleep with him and he got mad, and he shoved me into the back seat of his car, he was a lot stronger than me, one of the schools star wrestlers."

Sam stopped there for a brief moment to make sure Lisa was following her. Susan was standing staring at her friend, speechless. She had no idea that Sam had been raped, but when she thought about it, she guessed there was a lot she didn't know about Sam.

"Once he had me on the back seat it was easier for him, I tried to fight him off but I couldn't. He had both of my hands in one of his, and with the other he was able to undo my trousers and his own. I remember biting my lip so hard as he raped me that I needed stitches." Sam could feel the tears burning her eyes. She felt as though she was reliving it all over again, and she could remember everything.

"Why are you telling me this?" Lisa asked.

"Because, like you I blamed myself and I never told anybody. I believed him when he said that I had asked for it. Looking back, not a day goes by that I don't regret letting him get away with that. I don't want you to make the same mistake that I did. I realised that no one ever deserves to be raped, I didn't and you most certainly didn't."

"You're telling the truth," Lisa said, "At first I thought that maybe you were just trying to convince me to go to the cops, but I can see it in your eyes."

No one in the room spoke for a few minutes, each dealing with their own thoughts.

"Will you sit with me when I talk to the cops?" Lisa asked Sam.

"Yeah, of course I will. Do you want us to ring anyone? Your parents? Guardians?"

"Would you call my aunt? I live with her."

Sam nodded and took the number where she would be able to reach the aunt.

A few hours later Sam was saying goodbye to Lisa and her aunt. She had told the cops everything, and Sam was with her the entire time.

"Thanks," Lisa said to her before she left.

"No problem, I hope everything turns out well for you." Sam answered and watched as the girl and the aunt left.

It had been tough telling her story to Lisa, she had never told anyone before, but if Lisa's rapist was put behind bars then it was worth it. Luka had once commented that she always felt strongly about female patients who had been brought in because of domestic abuse or rape. She had tried to pretend she had no idea of what he was talking about. When he asked if it was because of Steve she simply answered that Steve had never raped her, which was true, another guy had. He just thought it she felt passionate about them because Steve used to beat her up, which was also true.

"How are you doing?" Susan asked walking over to stand beside her friend.

"I'm doing okay, I'm tired." Sam answered.

"I'll let you go home early if you want?"

"Are you sure? I mean I haven't worked all week."  
"I think you need it, it must have been hard telling that girl about . . ., I'm just saying that I think what you need right now is to go home, you've had enough stress for one day. You are pregnant after all."

"Thanks Susan." Sam was relieved to be allowed to go home, she really just wanted to crawl into her bed and fall asleep.

"It's okay; we're slow enough today anyway." Susan said smiling.

Just as she said that she heard Jerry saying that a MVA was on its way in. Sam looked at Susan, half expecting her to tell her to stay.

"Go, before I change my mind,"

Sam smiled her thanks at Susan and hurried to her locker to retrieve her bag.

In the ambulance bay Luka was waiting for the MVA to come in. He caught Sam on her way out.

"Hey," he yelled at her, "You going home?"

Sam walked over to him; they hadn't talked all day, not since they had almost kissed that is.

"Yeah, I'm finished for the day. Are you waiting for the MVA?"

"Some of us aren't quite finished yet." Luka answered. "Can I see you tonight?"

"I was hoping to just go home and go straight to bed. I'm exhausted."

"Oh," Luka said looking very disappointed.

Sam couldn't help from smiling at seeing Luka's obvious disappointment. She had to admit she'd love to go to sleep with his arms around her, but she knew that Alex would be really annoyed if he found Luka had spent the night.

"How about tomorrow?" he pleaded.

"Call me tomorrow and I'll see what I can do. Alex is grounded at the moment, so I can't leave him in the house on his own."

Luka didn't get a chance to argue that it was Alex that was being punished not her, as the ambulance pulled into the bay. She said goodbye and left, he did his best to push her out of his mind and focus on the patient in front of him.

"Sam, are you home?" Carter yelled. Susan had told him that Sam had been upset and had gone home early but he had seen no sign of her. He went upstairs to see if he could find her.

"Sam?" he said again walking into her room.

He found her there, sitting in bed, hugging her knees to her chest. Her eyes were slightly red and he could tell she had been crying. She was completely absorbed in her own thoughts, she didn't even notice Carter come over and sit on the bed beside her.

"Sam, are you okay?" It seemed like a stupid question, but it was all Carter could think of to ask.

Sam turned to look at him, "When did you get here?"

"I've been yelling your name all around the house, didn't you hear me?"

She shook her head; she hadn't heard him at all. The first thing she had noticed was him asking if she was alright. The rape victim had made her think of her own rape too much, and that had led to crying. She couldn't stop thinking about it, about how she had let him get away with it, about how she had blamed herself for years.

Carter was really worried about her now; this behaviour was very much out of character for her.

"What happened?" he voice was full of concern.

"I had a patient today, nineteen year old girl who had been raped," she answered.

"Why did that upset you so much?"

He looked her in the eyes and he could almost see the answer written there. She had been raped. Sam looked away when she realised that he had guessed.

He couldn't believe someone would do that to her, he was ready to kill whoever the guy was.

"It's okay to cry, I know how corny that sounds, but it's something they taught me at AA. They taught me how to deal with my emotions in a healthy way, and without using alcohol. I know what it's like to feel hopeless, I'm not going to judge you for feeling the way you're feeling right now."

Carter pulled Sam into his arms and she let him. She needed to be comforted right then, and Carter had been open with her, had made her feel that she wasn't the only one to go off the deep end every now and then. He sat on the bed with her and held her, rocked her, while she cried, cried for the pain that that man had caused her, for the fact that a part of her would always suffer as a result of what he had done and he would never suffer.

Carter held Sam until the crying quieted, then stopped, and he continued holding her in the silence of the room. He kissed the top of her head, unable to stop himself.

"I'm really falling in love with you," he said softly.

"What?" Sam asked pulling away from him slightly so she could look at his face.

"I'm falling in love with you, that's why I've been avoiding you. I just thought it would be better if you didn't know how I felt."

Sam was too stunned for words, too stunned to do anything but stare at him; she was just about able to breathe.

"Susan said that you thought I wanted you to move out," he continued, "That is the last thing I want. I said you could stay here as long as you want, and I meant it."

"I love Luka, you know that right? And I'm sorry but I don't think that I could . . . I'm having Luka's baby and . . ."

"I know, and I don't expect anything to happen."

Sam didn't say anything, she planted a small kiss on his lips and hugged him again, her head on his chest. He embraced her, pulling her tight. They both needed that hug. Sam because of everything that was happening to her in her life right then, she had felt so alone before Carter had come in. She needed the comfort of having someone's arms around her, and she knew that Carter needed the comfort too.

Carter held onto Sam, as if everything could just fade away. His feelings for her, her pain, it would all fade away in that moment. He knew that is was a lie, and that she would rather be in Luka's arms, but right then he let himself believe in the fantasy.

They just held each other, neither of them talking, neither of them ready to let go. They both knew that once they let go, they would have to go back to their lives and neither of them wanted to do that right then.


	12. Chapter Eleven

Chapter Eleven

Carter walked into Sam's bedroom, she was still sleeping. He had woken up in the middle of the night to find himself on Sam's bed with Sam in his arms. Once he remembered how he had ended up like that, he covered her with the blanket and left. He stood at the foot of the bed watching her sleep, knowing that he would love to wake up next to her. But, that would never happen.

As he was watching her, she started to wake up. She rolled over and slowly opened her eyes. She could make out someone standing at the end of the bed. After rubbing her eyes to make them focus, she saw that it was Carter. The same Carter who just last night had told her he was falling in love with her. It should have been awkward but it wasn't.

"Good morning," she said sitting up.

"How are you doing this morning?" he asked.

"I feel good, thanks."

"Luka called, wants to know if you're going to meet up with him today. I hope you don't mind but I told him to come over, I thought you might want to see him." It had been so hard to give Luka that invitation, he was half hoping she would tell him to ring back and cancel.

"That's okay; it's just that Alex isn't exactly Luka's number one fan at the moment." She frowned.

"I'll take Alex out for the day if you want?" He really hated the thought of Luka and Sam being together in his house, but she had been in a really bad state last night and he figured she could do with having Luka with her. Right then he was cursing his giving nature.

"You don't have to do that, besides Alex is supposed to be grounded."

"Look, you had a tough day yesterday. Why not have some fun with Luka and I'll take Alex out of your hair, you deserve it."

"I don't know." Sam felt bad taking him up on the offer; he had done so much for her already.

"I won't take no for an answer." He had seen the little glimmer of hope in her eyes on thinking of being alone with Luka. Damn his giving nature.

"Thanks!"

"Don't mention it. You should get ready; he'll be here in an hour."

Sam sat for a minute after Carter had left. She was feeling so nervous about Luka coming over. She wasn't sure why, they had lived together. But things were different now, and for the first time since that time she had turned up at his apartment and they ended up having sex for the first time, she was nervous about seeing him.

Alex was the one to greet Luka. His mom had told him that Carter was taking him out for a while but she hadn't mentioned that it was so she could be alone with Luka. He was doing his best to keep the two apart but it wasn't easy. Luka just kept coming back, if only he could convince him that Sam didn't love him anymore.

"Hey Alex," Luka said greeting Alex.

"Hey," Alex answered scowling.

"Where's your mom?"

"Upstairs with Carter," here was his chance, "do you know that Carter spent the night in mom's room? I saw him come out of the room this morning wearing the same clothes he had had on the yesterday."

Luka's jaw dropped, Sam and Carter? He didn't believe that, but why would Alex lie to him? Sure Alex lied sometimes but never about something as big as this. His mind immediately ran to what they might have been doing in her room. It was definitely a place he didn't want to be in, not when he was about to finally get some time alone with Sam. But the images were hard to keep out of his mind.

Alex smiled at his handy work. He could tell from the look on Luka's face just how cut up he was about his piece of news. There was no way Luka would stay with his mom now.

Carter came in to take Alex out. He told Luka to go on up to Sam. It hurt him to think of what they'd be doing while he entertained her son. He just hoped that Alex's hyper nature would be enough to keep his minds off such thoughts. Otherwise, he was sure to drive himself insane.

Sam was brushing her hair when Luka entered the room. He walked up behind her and took the brush from her hands. He started brushing her hair. Neither of them said anything, Luka just brushed Sam's hair and she shivered slightly at the sensation.

When he was done, he wrapped his arms around her waist and started kissing her neck. Sam closed her eyes and licked her lips. He heard her groan slightly and that was enough, enough to push any thoughts he had about her and Carter to the back of his mind. He turned her around in his arms and stared at her face. Sam got inpatient and leaned forward to kiss him only to have him pull back. He smiled at the frown that she gave him.

Sam pulled his head down and crashed her lips against his. Every thought lost in the moment. This time she pulled back from him, and pulled back even further when he tried to kiss her again. Ever so slowly she pulled her T-shirt over her head and flung it to the floor. Luka watched, fascinated, and desperate to have her. She seemed to take a life time. Once she had it off he pulled her back towards her. His mouth exploring hers, his hands moving towards her bra clasp.

As he flung that to the floor Sam removed his shirt, pushing it off his shoulders to reveal his chest. She ran her hands over that chest and he picked her up, so that her legs were wrapped around his waist. Luka staggered the two feet over to the bed where they fell down, him on top of her.

The kiss deepened and Sam ran her fingers softly underneath the edge of his trousers, feeling the boxers underneath. Luka couldn't help the slight groan that came from his lips. Sam took that as a sign and snapped off his belt buckle, before unzipping him.

Luka wasted no time in taking off the trousers. He then started kissing his way down her body, stopping at her breasts, taking them in. Nipping slightly at her nipples, Sam threw her head back in pleasure. Luka looked up at her face, finding her pleasure a turn on. He moved on down to her stomach, stopping again at her jeans. He slowly undid them and ever so slowly peeled them off her legs along with her panties.

Sam gripped onto the sheets as Luka kissed her inner thigh, his hand playing with her breast. She wasn't sure just how much more she could take. She needed him.

"Luka, please!"

Luka started making his way up her body with his tongue, taking his time, enjoying the effect he was having on her. When he was at her neck she put one hand either side of his face and pulled him up to her, briefly looking into his eyes before kissing him.

She could feel 'him' pressed against her stomach and it was almost too much. She whimpered into his mouth and raised her hips up to his.

Luka smiled at her and kissed her. Then, looking intently into her eyes her entered her. Slowly at first, almost as if he was afraid to break her. Sam's eyes rolled back into her head and she yelled out. Luka found himself saying her name over and over.

When they were done Luka flopped down beside Sam, pulling her body close to his so that he was holding her in his arms.

"Hi," Luka whispered into Sam's ear.

"Is this how we're greeting each other now?" Sam asked.

"I'm not complaining," he answered giving her a cheeky grin.

Sam rolled her eyes at him and snuggled into his chest. He wrapped his arms tighter around her.

Sam awoke to find Luka fully dressed and looking out the window. She got up, pulled on a large T-shirt and went over to him.

"What are you thinking?" she asked

Luka picked Sam up and placed her back in the bed.

"You," he said kissing her nose "should be resting."

"That's not answering my question." She frowned.

"If you really have to know, I was thinking about you." It was partially true; he had been thinking about her, he had just been thinking about her and Carter.

"If you were thinking about me, why the serious face?"

"Alex told me that Carter spent the night with you last night."

Sam didn't know what to say, he obviously thought she had slept with Carter. She felt guilty and then she felt angry. He had just made love to her thinking she had slept with Carter the night before. Didn't that affect him at all?

"Yeah, he did, all we did was sleep though."

"Good, I'm glad to hear it." Luka answered.

"That's all? You're not mad?"

"No, I'm just happy to be with you." Luka said taking Sam's hand.

"So, Carter spent the night in my bed and you're happy?" Sam almost spit out the words.

"What?" Luka could see where this was going.

"Don't you ever feel anything other than happy?"

"I love you, that's a feeling."

"Yeah, but there are tons of other feelings. Like hurt, anger, jealousy, all of which I wouldn't blame you for feeling right now."

"Except I don't feel them right now. What's so wrong with being happy all the time?"

"Nothing Luka, if you really are happy all the time. But you aren't, you hide your real feelings."

Luka stared at her, doing his best to contain his anger. What he really wanted to do was to throw something, but he didn't want her to know that. He remembered her face when he had thrown the chair when she had been in the hospital. He didn't want to see that look every again. He forced a smile, but it didn't reach up to his eyes. His eyes still held his anger and hurt.

Sam watched Luka; she could tell from his eyes what he was really feeling. She wanted nothing more than to wipe that smile off his face. Why was it so hard for him to just say he felt angry?

"You're angry," she said.

"No, I'm not. Stop telling me what I'm feeling."

"Oh, so it's okay for you to tell me what I'm feeling but it's not okay for me to tell you. Talk about a double standard." She could feel her frown deepening.

"I just worry about you; you don't always tell me what's going on." He answered.

"Sometimes I keep things from you, I'll admit that. But you keep everything from me."

"I do not." The rising anger in him was ready to explode; it took all of his self control to keep it inside.

"So then you're completely fine with Carter sleeping in my bed? That during the night our bodies would have touched, that's okay with you too?"

Luka didn't answer, just stared at her. Sam was too mad to stop herself, part of her knew she shouldn't push so hard but she felt as though she had no choice.

"What if we had actually slept together? That would be okay too?" She asked, "Our hot sweaty bodies, writhing in the very bed that you are now sitting on, you would just be fine with that?"

Luka was breathing very heavily, he looked at the bed and he could see them there.

"Say your angry Luka; say you mad at me, even just a little bit. We'll talk it out and move on, like a healthy couple." She was begging him. If he didn't come through this very minute she knew that she would force him out. She couldn't take this anymore.

Luka stood up and walked towards the door.

"Luka if you leave now don't expect to be allowed back, because now is your last chance." Sam yelled at him.

Luka turned around and took one last look at Sam before exiting the room. Part of him felt relieved, he was leaving now before things got too bad. He had been having nightmares a lot recently, where he had to choose between Alex and a pregnant Sam, and is family, Danijela, Jasna and Marko. He could only save one family from death and he'd wake up every time before having to make the choice. The last thing he wanted was to lose another family like that, and by leaving now, he would never have to. It hurt, hurt more than he ever thought possible, but at least he didn't have to watch Sam die. That would hurt even more.

Later, Sam was downstairs watching TV. She felt surprisingly calm about what had just happened. Luka was gone, but at least they wouldn't fight anymore. Her baby was now the most important thing, children never hurt you, and men usually did. That was what she had believed; Luka was the one who stopped her from thinking that way. And now, he was the reason she went back to her old beliefs. Her children were all that mattered now.

"Is Luka still here?" Alex asked coming into the room and sitting down beside his mom.

"No, he's gone; I don't think he'll be coming around anymore." Sam answered.

Alex just nodded and sat silently with his mother. He had succeeded in cutting Luka out of their lives. Step one was complete.


	13. Chapter Twelve

Chapter Twelve

Luka was at admit, he could see Sam walking in with Carter, a huge grin on her face. He wanted to run over and pick her up and just be with her again; he missed her so much.

"_Luka if you leave now don't expect to be allowed back, because now is your last chance."_

That was the last thing she had said to him. It was a month ago now and he was barely surviving. He would wake up, go to work and go home. That was now his life, all happiness gone. He knew he was to blame, that if he tried he might have a chance to get her back. But looking at her now, she was looked so happy, happier than she had been the last few times they had spoken. With him out of her life it was better for both of them.

She was four months pregnant now, and he could see a tiny bump whenever she wore tight clothing. He had overheard her complaining the other day about how some of her clothes were starting to get too tight on her. In five months time he would be a father again; only he wouldn't be there for the birth, or any of it for that matter. As long as Sam never moved out of Chicago he would be able to watch his daughter grow up from a distance. And that was the best way, as far as he was concerned. He was too afraid of not being able to protect her.

Luka wondered if Sam had started thinking of names. If she had started working on the nursery. If she was going to still live with Carter after the baby was born. If his little girl would end up thinking Carter was her dad. It was enough to drive him crazy; being without Sam was driving him crazy as it was. He was finding himself turning to alcohol to drown his sorrows way too often. Sometimes it was the only thing that helped him sleep at night.

He was vaguely aware of Frank telling them that a trauma was on the way in, and he was glad to have something else to think about, to have anything else to think about. At least at work he was able to focus on his patients, when he wasn't watching Sam that is.

He went out into the ambulance bay to wait for the incoming stabbing victim.

Sam was cleaning up after the trauma, the stabbing victim had been sent on up to the OR. She had been working with Luka; it was something she was getting used to. In a way she looked forward to working with him, it gave her a chance to be with him, to hear his voice. At the same time though, it was painful, too much of a reminder of what she had lost.

She was four months along now, 17 weeks to be exact, and Luka hadn't mentioned anything about being there for the baby. Not even a mention of paying child support, and given the fact that she was about to have two children she could do with at least one father paying for his child. She had really hoped that Luka would have wanted to be a part of their child's life.

Not a day went by when she didn't miss Luka. For Alex's sake she did her best to keep smiling, even though she was falling apart on the inside. It felt like a part of her was missing. She felt a tear trickle down her cheek.

"Hey Sam there's someone here to see you," Susan said walking into the room.

Sam turned around and quickly wiped the tear away not wanting Susan to see her cry.

"Who is it?" she asked.

"Are you okay Sam? You know you can talk to me anytime you need to." Susan said, she had noticed Sam wiping her eyes. She understood how hard pregnancy could be, she had Chuck to lean on though. Sam didn't have Luka.

"I'm fine," Sam answered forcing a smile.

"I can tell you're not, so don't lie. You miss him don't you?"

"Yeah, it's hard to for me to forget him when I'm carrying his child!"

"Has he been in touch with you at all?" She asked going over to Sam.

"No, not even to ask about his child. It's like he's forgotten her."

"Do you want to hate him? Cause I think he's a bit of a bastard for leaving you and his baby like that. We could hate him together?"

That got Sam laughing.

"Thanks, but I'm not quite there yet. Wait until I'm giving birth, then I'll be more than willing."

They both went silent for a moment, Sam was thinking about the birth. She was probably going to have to do that on her own, at least giving birth to Alex her grandmother had been there.

"I'll be there with you during your labour, if you want?" Susan offered. "I have very strong hands, so you can squeeze them as hard as you want, and I have the added bonus of knowing exactly what you're going through."

"Thanks, I could really do with having some help then. I can't exactly ask Alex to be there for me."

"No problem, now are you ready to see your visitor?"

"I'd forgotten about that, who is it?"

"Remember Lisa, the rape victim?"

Sam nodded and followed Susan out of the room.

At admit, Lisa was there with her aunt waiting for Sam. Sam walked over to her wondering what she was doing here.

"Hi Lisa, how are you?" she asked.

"I'm good, thanks to you." Was Lisa's answer.

"I didn't do anything really."

"You convinced me to talk to the cops. My boyfriend called me after I left the hospital and I told him I had talked to the police. He ended up running, but the cops arrested him today. And you were right, if I had let him get away with it, I would always have regretted it."

"I'm really happy for you."

"I just had to come and tell you, and thank you." Lisa said hugging Sam.

"You're welcome," Sam hugged her back.

Lisa had to leave then. Sam was standing at admit, Frank was beside her complaining about something. She felt a sudden pain in her stomach and gripped it. Suddenly Carter was in front of her holding her hand and asking if she was alright. Even Frank was looking at her concerned.

"I'm fine," she managed to say in the mist of Carter asking her tons of questions.

"Are you sure?" Carter asked, "Maybe I should check you out just in case."

"The baby just kicked for the first time, it caught me by surprise is all. The baby can really kick." Sam laughed. It was nice to know that people cared but Carter was going over the top just a bit.

"Can I?" Carter asked.

Sam understood what he meant and placed his hand where the baby had kicked before. As if on cue the baby kicked again. Carter drew his hand back and smiled.

Frank was the next in line, much to Sam's (and everyone else's) surprise, he too wanted to feel the baby. Sam showed him where to place his hand and his face spread into a huge grin as the baby kicked again.

"It's a lucky baby to have you as a mother," he said.

Sam couldn't believe Frank had said that, it was so outside his nature to say anything positive. She hugged him, and he hugged her back.

"Luka's crazy to be leaving you like that, I just hope he pays child support. You let me know if he doesn't, I know a good lawyer."

Sam was overcome by such tenderness from Frank of all people. She hugged him again and thanked him. Frank was feeling a bit awkward; he wasn't comfortable showing such emotion, unless he was complaining that is. Carter watched as he went off mumbling something about having work to do, he was completely speechless. It was so unlike the Frank he had grown to know.

By this stage, Abby, Ray and Neela had joined them wondering what all the fuss was about. Sam told them and found her stomach being touched by all three as they each had their turn. Her daughter seemed to like all the attention; she kept on kicking with all her might.

From across the ER, Luka could see what was going on. He guessed that his baby was kicking, and he was missing it. Sam looked so happy. He walked away, he couldn't watch her anymore. He rubbed his eye to stop the tear from falling. Then he went on to his patients, they were the only thing keeping him going right then.

Susan and Carter were on their break, they were in the doctor's lounge praying that nothing would happen to disturb them from their well deserved break.

"It's Cosmo's first birthday at the weekend, I can't believe a whole year has gone by so fast. You're coming to the party right?"

"Yes," Carter answered, Susan had been asking him that same question for over a week now, "Sam says that she's coming too. So if nothing else you'll have two of us there."

"Good, don't forget!" She wanted to celebrate Cosmo's first birthday in style. The only problem was that Cosmo had no friends so she was depending on her friends to turn up.

"I doubt you'll let me." Carter answered.

"I'm not that bad, am I?"

"You're a mother, it's allowed. But only when it has to do with Cosmo, I wouldn't put up with it over anything else."

"Well lucky for you all I get time to think about is Cosmo and work. I miss having a life. I can't imagine how Sam managed to be a single mother from the age of fifteen."

"Yeah, she's tough; she's been through so much but still keeps going." Carter gushed.

Susan choked back a laugh, Carter sounded so much like a love sick teenager sometimes. It was cute, yet funny at the same time.

"Still like her then?" She asked.

"Yep," with her now single he was finding it harder than ever to keep his feelings in. Sam was great about it though, that was a blessing. She didn't act differently around him, too much anyway. He didn't understand how Luka could have walked away so easily, not when he had Sam and a baby along the way.

Sometimes, like today when he had been feeling her baby kick, he would think about his own son, Joshua. It was strange having another pregnant woman in the house, the house where he and Kem had planned their son's future.

"I'm worried about her," Susan said, "She always seems fine, but I found her crying today. I think she's hurting more than she's letting on."

"I've tried talking to her, but she won't open up. At times she looks so lost, but once she realises someone else is in the room she just switches on her smile." Carter was worried about Sam too, in the month since Luka left she hadn't mentioned him once and she didn't seem to notice his absence. He knew that she cared too much about Luka to forget him that quickly.

Susan didn't get a chance to respond as Haleh came in to tell her that her elderly patient was crashing. She sighed and quickly exited the room, promising herself that she would finish her conversation with Carter later. Once she got a free minute that is.

Luka got home and threw his coat onto the couch. He headed over to the press and took out the bottle of whiskey that was inside, along with a glass.

Once he was sitting down, he poured himself a glass of whiskey. His mind drifted to Sam, as it always did. He kept repeating to himself over and over again that she was better off, he was better off not having to watch another love die. To not have to watch another child of his die.

He downed the glass in one, and picked up the ring box that he kept on his coffee table. The engagement ring he had been planning to give to Sam. It was the only thing of hers he had, and he found little comfort in having it with him. But he kept it on the coffee table as a constant reminder. A constant reminder of the women he had loved more than any other. A constant reminder of the woman he had lost due to his own fear, his own fear of opening up and his own fear of becoming a father and failing, again.

He drank another glass of whiskey, and then another. Since he had walked out of Sam's apartment he had been ignoring everyone, he didn't answer his phone, and he hardly spoke to anyone at work. He just wanted to be left alone. If he couldn't be with the one person that he wanted to be with more than anything else in the world, then he didn't want to see or speak to anyone.

He lay back on the couch and felt the whiskey start to do its work. Sleep lured him, and he let it come. In his sleep he dreamt. He dreamt that he was with Sam, and she was pregnant. He was with her every step of the way, and they were happy. The way they should have been. And for that brief time while he was asleep, unaware that it was all a dream, he was happy, truly happy, as he had only ever been with her.

Sam was in the bathroom staring at herself in the mirror. How could she look so normal, so self contained when all she wanted to do was scream? She closed her eyes and gripped onto the edge of the sink. All she could feel was pain, nothing else. But she was a mother and she didn't have the luxury of being able to wallow in it. Instead she had to hide it all away, pretend nothing was wrong.

She opened her eyes again. Inside her, all the pain was manifesting. It had nowhere to go, she didn't let it escape and it was building up inside her, bubbling over the surface. The only time she really got to be herself was at night when she was alone in bed. No one bothered her then and she was free to feel as she pleased.

Life held little pleasure for her anymore, save Alex. It was him and the baby that kept her going. She let a tear fall, she missed Luka so much. She never thought it would be this bad, never thought it would hurt this much.

The pain needed a way to get out, there was too much of it inside her and the longer it stayed in the more it grew. She looked over at her razor and picked it up. It would be so easy to just let everything go, let everything out.

She removed the blade and threw down the rest. She stared at the blade for a long time, she knew what she wanted to do, and she was sure it would relieve a lot of the pressure. She was just unsure if she could go through with it.

Deciding it was absolutely necessary; she raised the blade up to her upper arm and got ready to cut. To let the pain come out, to feel something other than the numbness from the smile that she hid behind.

The baby kicked then, as hard as she was able to. Sam dropped the blade and put her hand over her stomach, the baby was still kicking away. It was almost as if she was telling Sam to stop.

Sam put the blade back into the razor and walked out of the bathroom to her bedroom. She got into her bed and rubbed her belly absentmindedly. She thanked her unborn daughter for saving her from doing something she really didn't want to do.

TBC


	14. Chapter Thirteen

Chapter Thirteen

Sam and Alex were sitting at the kitchen table; they had just been served a feast by Carter. He was going away for a few days; he had some family business to attend to. He felt guilty about leaving Sam, hence the breakfast feast. Right then Alex was feeling Sam's stomach, feeling his little sister kick; and Carter was happily watching them. He felt a swell of pride watching his family; only he had to correct himself then. No matter how much he may want them to be; they were not his family. He sighed heavily; maybe a few days away would do him some good.

"Wow," Alex said drawing his hand back from his mom's stomach. "That is so weird, but awesome! It's like a person inside you, cool."

Sam just laughed; it was such an eleven year old boy's response.

"Did I kick like that?" he asked.

"You wouldn't stop kicking; I hardly got any sleep with you." Sam answered, she remembered Steve being annoyed about that fact. The few times he did see her, he wasn't able to have any fun, as he put it, as Alex used to kick against her so much that Steve wasn't able to get near her. Every time he'd have her in his arms Alex would give such an almighty kick that Steve would jump back. Looking back; Sam laughed at the memory.

"What's so funny?" Carter and Alex asked simultaneously.

"Nothing," Sam answered smiling.

Carter and Alex looked at each other and raised their eyebrows, as if to say, 'women!'. They both looked back over at Sam, who just laughed harder at seeing their expressions. They continued watching her, they hadn't seen her laugh this hard in a long time and it was good to see her happy again.

Looking at the clock, Carter realised that he'd want to be leaving or he would miss his plane.

"Okay, Sam I have to be going now," he said, "I left some money in the press in case you need it for some emergency, and I put the number of the hotel and the other places where I'll be in case you need to reach me."

Sam watched him flying around the kitchen showing her where he had left everything. She felt the giggles coming on again. He was so protective of her sometimes; it made her feel like a kid again.

"Carter I've lived on my own for many years now, I think I'll be fine."

"I just feel bad leaving you here on your own being pregnant and all."

He went out of the kitchen into the hall. Sam followed him rolling her eyes at him.

"Are you sure you'll be okay while I'm gone?" he asked for the thousandth time.

"Yes, I'm sure; you really don't have to worry."

Carter avoided her last comment; he had a bad feeling about leaving her, as if something bad was going to happen while he was gone. He picked up his bag and went over to the door, opening it and then turning back to face Sam who was right behind him.

"Susan will collect you at three for your doctor's appointment, and I shall be back on Saturday. I'll come get you first and then we can go over to Cosmo's party. I think that's everything."

"Would you stop fretting? I have an eleven year old son, if I can cope with that I can cope with anything."

"Well that is probably true, but just in case anything goes wrong be sure to call me okay?" He stared at her until she nodded her agreement.

"Bye Alex," he yelled at the boy who was still in the kitchen.

"See ya," he heard Alex yell back.

"Are you sure you're," he started to say but Sam cut him off.

"Just go," she said.

He smiled at her and drew her into a quick hug. Sam hugged him back and gave him a kiss on the cheek before sending him on his way.

Carter really confused her; she never let people be so over protective of her the way he was. She didn't love him the way he did, so she knew that it wasn't that, but there was something about him. In a way she was sorry that she didn't feel for him the same way as he felt for her; it would make things so much simpler. She could rely on Carter, and he would have looked after her and helped her with her kids. Sometimes she considered it, Alex and her baby would get a father figure then, but she couldn't. She didn't feel that way about him; she still loved Luka too much.

Sam went back into the kitchen where Alex was; still eating away.

"Did you check your blood sugar before you ate?" she asked.

"Yes," he answered between mouthfuls.

Sam sat down on the chair suddenly feeling very tired. She was feeling like that a lot recently. The smell of the food was making her feel nauseous; her morning sickness hadn't completely gone away just yet.

Alex looked up at his mom, she looked so sad. He felt guilty about that, guilty that he had played a part in making Luka leave. He knew that everything would work out though, and his mom was strong, she had made it through worse than this right? She had him to help her, they didn't need Luka. She had always said that she didn't need a man, so why was she so upset now?

There wasn't a whole lot he could do; he just comforted himself by remembering that everything would be fine. Everything was going according to his plan.

"What do you want to do this morning?" Sam asked Alex pulling her up and seeming to be cheerful once more.

"I dunno, what do you want to do?" Alex shrugged.

"Nothing really, I have to do some grocery shopping. I'll wait until you're at Austin's to do that though, no point dragging you around the supermarket."

"Don't you ever do anything exciting, or even something fun?"

Sam could think of a few things she did with Luka that were most definitely fun but she wasn't going to share that with her son.

"You don't think I have an interesting life?"

Alex just shrugged. Sam could see where he was coming from; to him her life must seem pretty dull. Hell, her life seemed pretty dull even to her at times. She didn't plan her life to be this way; to be a mother at fifteen, to be a single mother. But that was the way her life turned out, and she wouldn't have it any other way.

"I'm a mother; we do uninteresting things like buying groceries and paying bills. It's part of our job."

"Do you ever tire of being a mother?" Alex asked timidly.

"No," Sam answered shocked, "I may get tired of being a single mom, but I never tire of being a mother. I don't know what I'd do without you."

She went over to him and gave him a big hug, and kissed his head.

"Mom," Alex whinged.

Sam took a step back and sighed, sometimes she couldn't believe just how fast he had grown up.

"I'll go grocery shopping with you, if you want?" Alex offered.

"You don't have to; I know how much you hate it."

"I'll come, just this once." He added quickly.

Sam ruffled his hair and told him to go and get ready. Alex left the room, trying to fix his hair and muttering about how at least when his sister came along he would get a break from all the hugs she gave him. Sam yelled after him that she'd find the time; he would never be able to escape. It was her right as a mother to embarrass her son.

Luka woke up, blinking at the sunlight that was streaming through the window. He rolled over slightly and fell onto the ground. He'd forgotten that he was on the couch. Clutching his head he got up and staggered into the kitchen. His head felt like it was going to burst.

As he was getting the aspirin, Luka made himself the same promise that he had been making himself for the past month. The promise that he wouldn't drink again. He got himself a glass of water and downed the painkillers knowing that he'd be doing the exact same thing the next day.

Checking the pack he saw that he would need to buy more aspirin, he'd have to go to a different chemist though. He was getting funny looks off the clerk in the chemist where he usually went. Considering he bought a packet of aspirin a week he couldn't really blame the guy.

He rubbed his face, he hadn't shaved in a few days, and he should probably get around to doing that today. Everything just seemed like to take so much effort, and in his hung-over state he didn't have the energy. Figuring that he'd more than likely be hung over tomorrow, he went into the bathroom to shave. Sam also preferred him to be clean shaven.

He cursed at himself, why was it that everything reminded him of Sam. In the bathroom he looked over at the shower, remembering the time that they had celebrated moving in together. Alex had been at a sleepover that night, and he and Sam had christened almost every spot in the apartment that night. They had done it in the living room, on the kitchen table, came very close to doing it on the washing machine and then the morning after he had joined her in the shower.

He punched the mirror with his fist causing it to break into tiny shards of glass. At first he felt nothing, but then the pain soared through him and he saw that his hand was bleeding.

He bandaged it up as best he could and cleaned up the mess. Why was he staying away from Sam when it could barely stand living without her?

"What about this one?" Susan asked Sam holding up a pink dress.

The two were looking at baby clothes. Susan had gone with Sam to her scan, everything was fine. Sam's blood pressure was a little high but that was all. After the scan they had decided to go shopping, and ended up in the baby section. Cosmo needed new clothes anyway.

"It's so cute," Sam answered, "They have such cute clothes for babies. Oh you should get this for Cosmo to wear for his party." Sam handed Susan a pair of dungarees that had a yellow duck on the chest and came with a white shirt.

"Aww, he'd be quite the little man. Chuck would kill me though; he has a thing against dungarees."

"Spoil sport," Sam said.

"He's a guy, what does he know about fashion?" Susan laughed and Sam laughed with her.

"It's good to see you smiling and laughing again." Susan said.

"Why wouldn't I be?" Sam answered, "You know Carter was all worried this morning when he was leaving, you'd think I'd never been left alone before." Sam wanted to change the topic from her feelings.

"That's just because he cares about you a lot. You should have heard him on the phone to me, making sure I looked after you while he was gone. I eventually told him that you were grown up and could look after yourself. He's so in l…." Susan stopped there; she wasn't sure how Sam felt about Carter's love for her.

"In love with me?" Sam asked, "You can say it, it's not as if he keeps it well hidden."

"He really doesn't, I feel so sorry for him sometimes."

"You? How do you think I feel? It would be so much easier if I loved him back."

"But you love Luka. . ."

"Yeah, and I don't even think he misses me."

"Don't say that, you don't know that." Susan could see that Sam was getting upset, "Come on," she said putting her arm around her, "let's go get you some chocolate."

Luka pulled his jacked on and looked back at the half naked woman sitting on the bed watching him.

"I've sure been seeing a lot of you lately." She said.

Luka threw a wad of cash down onto the bed.

"I don't pay you to talk," he answered.

"I just figured that a handsome guy like you would be able to get sex without paying for it. I don't see why some woman hasn't taken you already."

"Look, I pay you good money, all I ask is that you don't talk."

"Fine, just tell me, shall I be seeing you again?"

Luka paused, was this what he really wanted? Sex with some anonymous hooker? It was hardly ideal.

"Yeah, I'll be back same time Friday."

With that he left. It may not be ideal but it was better than nothing. He missed Sam, and he knew that he wouldn't be able to try to love someone else. It would be too much like betraying her, and if he couldn't be there fully for her; then he didn't want to do that with someone else. Sam was the one person he would always love, always need, always want. She was the one person who he couldn't manage to make it work with, and he wasn't sure what hurt more; being without her or knowing that he was the one who left and wouldn't go back.

Sam was in the house on her own. Alex was staying over with his friend, and Carter was gone. The house was so quiet, so empty. It was the last thing she needed. It was bad enough feeling that she was all alone without actually being in a big empty house.

Carter had rung her an hour before to make sure she and Alex were okay. It was good to talk to him. She didn't think she'd miss having him around, but she did.

She picked up the purple baby jump suit she had bought earlier, she hadn't been able to resist. She may not have been looking forward to raising another kid without the father being in the picture, but she was feeling more positive about it. She loved her little baby already, and nothing would change that. If she could raise a baby at 15, then surely she could manage this. She hoped she could anyway.

She still kept a picture of her and Luka with her; she kept it in her room, not wanting Alex to see it. She wondered what Luka was doing, was he dating anyone new? Did she want to know if he was? It was painful enough without thinking of him having moved on so soon.

The doorbell rang, loud and hard. Sam jumped as she was dragged out of her thoughts. It was half eleven, who would be visiting her at this hour. She reluctantly got up and walked down the hall to the door.

She opened the door, curious to see who was there. Seeing who was on the other side she stood there with the door open, the evening air making her cold. She wasn't able to move, she wasn't even able to speak. Shock at the surprise visitor had taken over her body.

TBC


	15. Chapter Fourteen

Chapter Fourteen

"Are you going to let me in or are you just going to stare at me?"

Sam shook her head slightly.

"What are you doing here Steve?" She couldn't believe he was actually standing there. He looked a lot better than he had the last time she had seen him, he was clean shaven and dressed well, and he was sober. That was a plus.

"I need an excuse to see my favourite girl?" Steve answered taking her hand and pulling her towards him. He held her close to his chest, inhaling her scent.

"Is a real nice place you've got here. I didn't think that foreign guy was that loaded."

"I don't live with him anymore." Sam said pulling away from Steve, she tried to ignore how happy he looked at hearing her and Luka had broken up. "I'm staying with a friend at the moment."

"This friend male or female?"

"I don't see why I should tell you," Sam replied but Steve just kept staring at her waiting for an answer. "Fine, his a guy, happy now?"

"You fucking him?"

"Is that all you think about? Because some of us can be friends with the opposite sex without it leading to sex. It is possible you know."

"He's gay isn't he?" Steve laughed.

"He's not . . . Oh why am I even bothering?" There was no point arguing with him about Carter's sexuality, she knew that. "Did you just come to check up on my sex life or do you have another reason being here? And shouldn't you be in prison?" It had just dawned on her that he had been put away, before this she had been too shocked to realise it.

"I got an early release for good behaviour, also I had a really good lawyer. The first thing I thought of was you and Alex, so I decided to pay you a visit. Where is Alex?"

"He's staying the night at a friend's house."

"Can I come in?"

Sam just stepped aside and let Steve walk into the house. Closing the door behind him she took a deep breath and braced herself. Why she hadn't just told him to go away she didn't know. The one thing she did know was that this was not going to go well.

Steve followed Sam into the living room, checking out the house as he went. Whoever Sam was staying with was clearly very well off, probably a doctor. Walking into the living room he spotted baby clothes on the coffee table. If her friend was male why did he have baby clothes? Unless of course they weren't his.

Steve went over closer to Sam, so he was standing right in front of her. Had she put on weight? Only one way to find out, he pulled her into his chest, hugging her close to him. She definitely did seem to have a tiny bump.

"Did that foreigner knock you up?" He asked stepping away from her.

"His name is Luka, don't pretend you don't know it." She really didn't want to have this conversation with Steve.

"Fine, did Luka knock you up?" He said mockingly.

"Yes, I'm pregnant, he knocked me up as you so eloquently put it."

"Sam, you really don't know how to play it safe do you?" Steve laughed.

Sam resisted the urge to hit him, much as she wanted to.

"Me? I don't exactly remember you remembering condoms!"

"It's been ten years, when are you going to let that go?"

"Eleven," she said, too angry to decided what to yell at him first.

"What?" he was slightly confused by her answer.

"It's been eleven years, Alex turned eleven this year."

"Really? Time really does fly, doesn't it? Seems like only yesterday he was starting school."

Sam just avoided him, Alex must seem to be growing up a lot faster to Steve considering he only saw his son once a year, if even that. Steve hadn't even been there for Alex's first day at school, he really was a terrible father.

"So, did you leave him or did he leave you?"

"What does it matter, he's gone," she didn't want Steve to see her cry. "Alex isn't here Steve, why don't you come back tomorrow and you can see him then. He'll be glad to see you."

"I didn't come here just to see Alex, I came here to see you too." Steve said taking her hands in his. "I had a lot of time to think when I was in prison, and I've been a complete fool. When I think of everything I've done, I don't know why I never saw what was in front of me. I had a wonderful son and a wonderful girl who I love more than anything else, I do love you Sam. I know I've made mistakes and I'm sorry, it'll be different this time, I've changed."

He pulled her into his arms again, wrapping his arms around her, one hand gently caressing her hair. Sam listened to all his lies, she knew that's what they were. Steve may believe what he was saying right now, but it wouldn't be long until he'd take back every word. She had heard that same speech over and over, she knew not to believe it anymore.

She didn't exactly want him to stay around long enough for him to do that though. She didn't want to go just yet, she knew she let him stay the night. She knew that she would because she really didn't want to be in the big house all on her own. Steve may not be perfect, okay he wasn't perfect, but he was there and Sam just needed someone.

Two hours later and they two were on the sofa watching a movie, Hellboy, Steve had chosen it. They weren't talking much, mostly they focused on the movie. Sam wasn't going to complain about that. Steve did jump in every now and then with little comments about the movie, but other than that, nothing. It was the most comfortable conversation she had had with Steve since they had started dating and he was trying to woo her. Or to put it more precisely, when they had started dating and he was trying to get into her pants. Was that what he was trying to do now?

Sam stopped her self from being so paranoid, Steve knew the boundaries by now, didn't he? This was Steve she was talking about, when had he ever learned about boundaries?

"What did you think?" Steve asked.

"What did I think about what?" Sam asked she had been so wrapped up in her own thoughts she hadn't been paying any attention to what Steve had been saying.

"What did you think of the movie?" He answered looking at her slightly puzzled.

"Oh," Sam looked at the screen and saw that the credits were rolling, she had missed most of the movie. "It was okay." It was a safe enough answer.

"You weren't paying attention to it were you?"

"Yes I was," Sam hated it when Steve was right.

"No, you weren't," he replied. "Are you okay? Has this got to do with Lance?"

"I'm fine and his name is Luka."

"Luka, Lance, it's all the same."

Sam rolled her eyes at him and sighed, she knew that he was jealous of Luka and he wasn't hiding it very well. Something about Luka seemed to bother him more than any other guy she had ever dated, and she couldn't figure out why. But then again, Steve's head was pretty screwed up thanks to the alcohol and drugs, so it was usually impossible to tell what was going on his head.

Steve moved in closer to Sam, putting his arm around her neck and moving in for the kiss. He kissed her, long and hard. Sam was so surprised at first that she didn't stop him. Kissing him was never gentle, he didn't know the meaning of the word. Everything with him was rough. He held her face in his hands and she knew that it would be hard to pull away until her let her go. And he did, eventually.

He sat back and looked at her, removing his hands from her face. Sam couldn't stand having him leer at her like that, she felt sick just seeing the smug look on his face. She didn't have the energy to argue, to throw him out of the house or even to just tell him off. Instead, she stood up, told him he could sleep on Alex's bed, told him which room that was and went up to bed. She'd deal with him in the morning, now was not the time. Anyway, she was grateful to him for one thing, she had been so busy hating him and wishing him gone that she had almost completely forgotten about Luka.

Waking up the next morning Sam could feel arms around her, someone was in bed with her. For a brief moment she thought it was Luka. But that thought was simply too good to be true. She could feel Steve kiss her neck and whisper 'good morning' in her ear. Try as she might, she couldn't remember how he had gotten there. She was definitely alone when she had gone to sleep the night before. On the bright side she still had her night clothes on so she knew she hadn't done anything with him.

"Steve?"

"Yeah babe?" He was stroking her arm now and Sam knew what he was hoping.

"When did you end up in my bed?"

"I was lonely last night so I came in and joined you. You were fast asleep, you didn't even wake up when I got into the bed with you." He kissed her neck again.

"Steve!" She yelled jerking her shoulder so as to shake him off.

"Hey, that hurt,"

Sam turned around to see Steve glaring at her and rubbing his cheek.

"Well if you hadn't been trying to make out with me then I wouldn't have had to hurt you."  
"What is your problem? I just thought that we could have a little fun, it's been way too long since we've been together. You're not even dating Luka anymore . . ." There was just a hint of pleading in his voice as he said the last part.

"Just because I'm single doesn't mean that I'll sleep with you, where you even going to consider what I thought about it?"

Steve didn't answer, knowing that it was better to keep quiet then tell the truth. Unfortunately he didn't have the sense to look even the slightest bit ashamed or guilty. Then again Steve never did feel guilty about much.

"Are you going to send me away now without getting the chance to see my son?"

"No, Alex would really like to see you," Sam sighed, "even if all you ever do is hurt him." She saw Steve cringe when she said that and she got a sadistic pleasure from it. "Just get out of my bed, and out of my room."

Steve didn't argue with her, he just upped and left the room. Sam was surprised at how easy it was, it seemed almost too easy. She worry about what Steve might be up to later.

Sam lay in bed for a while, she really dreaded getting up. Eventually she dragged herself out of bed, Alex would be home soon anyway. She went into the bathroom and found herself looking at her reflection in the mirror.

More than anything she just wanted to scream and shout, let go of all the pain. Just let it out and stop feeling so bad. She knew that she couldn't do it herself, she had almost cut herself to succeed it but couldn't go through with it. Her baby had stopped her, and part of her was angry about that, angry that since she was a mother she couldn't have feelings. Couldn't fall apart, because someone was depending on her.

All the anger, pain, tension was just building up inside her and she was sure she'd explode if she didn't find a way to get it out soon.

"Just what is your problem?" Susan yelled at Luka. They were both in the doctor's lounge, Susan had been getting nothing but complaints about Luka all day and she was running out of patience.

Luka didn't answer, just stood there, his face blank, conveying no emotion. If this is what he had been like with Sam, Susan could totally understand why she left.

"All day today I've had interns, attendings, nurses, patients, even the janitors, complaining about you. And it's not just today either, you are going to have to seriously try to clean up your act."

"Okay I'll try," Luka responded his voice deadpan, "Can I go back to work now?"

"This is serious, don't you care that you are really close to being fired?"

Luka didn't answer and the look in his eyes was so blank, so void. He didn't look like he was alive. Susan was very put off by that look, she had never seen anyone look so dead.

"Why don't you go home now, I can get someone to cover your shift?" Susan was worried about him, and no sick person needed to see those eyes.

"No, I'll stay, I've nothing better to do."

"You miss her don't you?"

Susan saw a his eyes glisten, he really did miss Sam. Why hadn't she seen that before.

"Why are you keeping away from her if you miss her so much? Why not fight for her?" She couldn't understand how he could just walk away.

"Because she's better off without me," Luka mumbled, Susan could just about make what he had said.

He cast her another look, his eyes looking more lost and dead then ever. Then he turned on his heel and exited the room.

Susan watched him leave and sighed, she had never seen a man look so completely broken before.

Sam could hear the phone ringing and raced into the hall to answer it. Sure Steve was in the house, but it would have been too much of a miracle if he had actually offered to answer it.

"Hello?" She said picking up the phone.

There was just silence on the other end.

"Hello?" She had been receiving phone calls like this for a while now, each time the person would say nothing, and each time the person would call from a blocked number or a pay phone, so there was no way to tell who it was.

Then she heard a dial tone, the person had hung up. Sam put down the phone and went back into the kitchen, she would just have to hope the person would give up.

Luka was at the hospital pay phone, he took a deep breath and dialled the number. The phone was ringing, ringing and he waited patiently for someone to answer.

"Hello?" He heard Sam's voice on the other end.

He knew that he shouldn't really do it, but sometimes he couldn't help himself. He just needed to hear her voice, he got a little bit of comfort from hearing her.

"Hello?"

He hung up then, he wasn't able to say anything to hear, all he wanted was to hear her voice.

"DAD!" Alex yelled running over to greet his father.

He had spent the whole day at Austin's, and this was the last thing he expected to come home to. His dad was here, he had paid attention to his letters and he had come, and he was going to fix everything.

"Hey buddy," Steve answered hugging Alex.

Sam stood and watched the two, she hadn't seen Alex this happy in a long time. No matter how many times Steve would disappoint him, no matter how many promises Steve would break, he always had Alex's love. Sam just wished he could see how he lucky he was to have that.

"You got my letters," Alex said.

Steve just nodded at Alex and looked wearily over at Sam.

"What letters?" She asked.

"I sent dad letters asking him to come home, to us. I told him that Luka had left and that we needed him, and he came."

Alex sounded so happy that Sam didn't have the heart to show him just how angry she was. She couldn't believe he would do that. What would make him think that they needed Steve?

She excused herself, saying she was sure they had plenty to catch up on and went up to the bathroom. Closing the door behind her, she let out a sigh. She couldn't do this, she couldn't pretend to be any way happy about this. In a way it felt like Alex had betrayed her, only she couldn't really blame him, he didn't know just what his father was really like.

This time, as Sam went further into the bathroom, the baby didn't kick. This time, when she picked up the razor she let the blade slice into her upper arm, making two straight cuts on her skin. She could barely feel the pain, but she felt such a relief, as if everything negative was just leaving her body. The blood welled out slowly at first, and she quickly cleaned up the wounds and covered them with a band aid.

Later that night, when she was in bed, the reality of what she had done sunk in. Tears trickled down her cheek quietly. Alex was asleep beside her and she didn't want to wake him. She had convinced him that he needed to sleep with her so Steve could sleep in his bed. Alex had asked why Steve couldn't sleep with her, but he soon just accepted it. She didn't want to be in her bed alone, she was too afraid that she'd wake up in Steve's arms again, too afraid that of what would happen if he ended up in her bed again.

TBC


	16. Chapter Fifteen

Chapter Fifteen

Thump, thump, thump, Luka jolted awake at the unexpected sound of someone knocking on his door. He got up slowly and stumbled towards the door, still feeling a little tipsy from the night before.

"Susan?" He said amazed to see his boss outside his door.

Luka stepped aside to let Susan into the apartment and she walked in. The first thing that struck her was the strong smell of alcohol, so strong she wanted to gag. Resisting the urge to cover her face to keep out the smell, she turned around to face Luka. His eyes were bloodshot, his hair a mess and he looked like he could barely stand.

"What are you doing here?" Luka asked.

"I was worried about you," she answered truthfully, "you didn't come into work yesterday and after the talk we had the day before that I just wanted to make sure you were all right."

"I'm fine; you had no reason to worry." Luka replied a slight growl to his voice, his accent thicker than ever. "So if you don't mind, I have things to do . . ." He gestured towards the door.

"Luka, you are not fine!" Susan wasn't leaving just yet, not after finding out the state he was living in. Looking at him closer, it was obvious that he had lost weight.

"How often have you been getting drunk?"

"I have not been getting drunk," he yelled, "I've barely been drinking alcohol at all."

"This place stinks of drink, don't lie to me. I think you need help."

"I'm fine," Luka responded. His eyes were a dead give away though, they held all the anguish that he wasn't willing to speak out loud.

"Why don't you just go and see her, she'd be really happy to see you." Susan said gently, "If being without her does this to you then you should at least try to fight for her."

"Dr Lewis, I appreciate your concern but really, there is nothing wrong. Now if you don't mind leaving . . ." This time he opened the door and waited for her to leave.

Susan took the hint, Luka never called her 'Dr Lewis', it was clear that she wasn't going to get through to him. She hesitated before leaving; she hated to see what his life had become and wished there was something she could do. She knew that she couldn't help him until he asked to be helped; all she could do was stand back and watch. It seemed crazy that both Sam and Luka wouldn't try to fix things when they were both so wretched without each other. Love really did make you do crazy things, she hoped her and Chuck never got like that.

Going out the door, she got one last glance at Luka before he closed the door in her face. Shaking her head she slipped an envelope under his door. Walking away she couldn't help but think that there was more that she should have done.

Luka frowned, he was fully sober now and all the pain was coming back to him. Looking down at the floor he saw a white envelope had been pushed under his door. He bent down and picked it up. On opening it he saw that it was a picture of him and Sam, it had been taken at the Christmas party last year. The picture had been taken without them realising, they were standing with their arms wrapped around each other, talking quietly, their love for each other captured in the looks the were giving each other.

He threw the picture and the envelope down on the coffee table. When they hit the table, Luka saw that there was another picture inside the envelope, he hadn't noticed it before. This one wasn't a picture of him and Sam however, it was an ultrasound. Picking it up he just knew that it was his daughter, a more recent scan of her; he could see that she had gotten bigger. He just stood there in his apartment, staring at his unborn child and let the tears fall freely down his face.

Sam watched as Steve played on the playstation with Alex. Alex hadn't stopped smiling since his dad had come back two days ago, it was the only reason she had let Steve stay. For the past two nights she had Alex sleep in her bed with her, there was something about the way that Steve looked at her that was unsettling.

Alex was the one who had brought Steve here, he had admitted that. Sam wasn't angry, she wasn't anything, and she just went about her days in a sort of numb state. She felt nothing, no happiness, no sadness, no anger, no fear; it made her feel as though she wasn't really living at all. Sometimes, like now watching Steve and Alex, she felt like she was watching the world from behind a glass wall. That the rest of the world was really far away, and there was nothing she could do to be part of it again.

She had cut herself again last night; she just had to know if she really was alive, if she really could feel something, anything. The guilt was there, a slight stab of guilt would go through her from time to time, she was pregnant, and she really shouldn't be harming herself like that. She knew that she needed help, but asking for help was never one of her strong points.

Carter had continued calling her every day, checking up to make sure they were still alive, that the house hadn't fallen down around them. Every time he asked how she was, she would immediately answer, 'fine'. She sounded convincing, even to herself, but being able to lie about how she was doing was not going to help her.

The baby kicked, and she put her arm around her stomach protectively. She'd have to stop, for her daughter and Alex's sake if nothing else. They both deserved a functioning mother, considering that neither had a father who was consistently there.

Steve stopped playing and turned around to see Sam watching him from the doorway. In his mind he could see her the way he saw her for the first time, she was working in the ice-cream parlour. He had been struck by this innocent and pure creature, that truly looked like she had come from heaven, of course he was a little drunk at the time. But the next time he saw her, he was sober and he stuck to his first impressions. There was a slight far off look in her eyes, some trouble, some worry that just came out in her eyes. That's what had attracted him to her, this fifteen year old angel, with a smile that could light up any room. No girl had ever effected him like that, despite what people may think he wasn't just some creepy twenty-three year old who preyed on teenage girls. He really did feel for her.

Looking at her now, he saw that the innocence and purity that she had possessed was now gone, and he knew that a lot of that was his fault. The look in her eyes was the same; it seemed that she carried all her troubles in her eyes. She was still as beautiful as ever, and her smile could still light up a room. He hadn't taken that away from her. What he would give to have her smile at him like that again, when they had been first dating he had lived for that smile, he would have done anything for that smile. Unfortunately, there was something worth more to him then her, and that was alcohol and drugs. By the time he met Sam he wasn't as bad as he would become, he was never violent towards her then. Things changed though, and he got more and more addicted. Sam got pregnant and he ran, ran because he couldn't face things, ran because instinctively he knew he had to leave before he really hurt Sam, and that was something he wanted to avoid. As the years went by, the drugs took control of his brain and all the feelings he had once had for her disappeared, lost in his drugged out state.

Seeing her now, he felt a slight ache in his heart. Somewhere deep down he did really love Sam, wanted the best for her, and he realised that he wasn't able to provide that. He quickly pushed these feelings away, as far away as he possibly could.

Alex looked at his mom and then his dad, they were both watching each other, and they were both lost in thought. In his young mind, he took it to be a good thing. That they were going to get back together. That they would be a family again. It's all he ever wanted, to have a mom and a dad who lived together and didn't fight. So far his parents hadn't been fighting; his mom didn't get angry at his dad for never paying child support, or about any of the usual stuff. Things seemed to be looking up.

"Sam, I have some good news," Steve said getting up and walking over to her.

"What?" Sam sighed she had learned never to think positive when Steve said things like that.

"I found a place to live, a friend of mine is going to let me stay with him."

"That's great Steve," Sam replied faking a smile.

"NO," Alex yelled, "Why does dad have to go? Why can't he stay here? Mom, tell him to stay here." He knew that if he had both parents under one roof, it would be easier for him to push them together.

"It's not your mom's house," Steve answered, "and it's not right for me to take advantage of this Carter guy's charity. But we'll still see each other all the time, I promise."

Both Sam and Alex frowned, if only he hadn't said that word, promise. They had both lost count of how many promises Steve had broken. Now, they pretty much knew that if Steve promised something then he was never going to do it.

Alex smiled and said, "Okay," knowing that it's what his father expected. He then turned his attention back to the TV and the playstation.

Sam was leaning against the wall, hoping that Steve didn't hurt Alex too much this time. Steve had other things on his mind, and he leaned in towards her. He planted a quick kiss on her lips and then bent slightly so he was able to kiss her neck. Sam took a deep breath, even with Steve kissing her, his hands running under her shirt, she still felt numb.

"I have to go to work," she said her voice empty. It was all she could manage to say. She could feel tears burning her eyes, tears that were falling for the massive hole that was inside her. Tears that were falling because she felt numb, falling because more than anything she just wanted to feel alive, she just wanted to feel.

Luka stood outside the building, the night sky above him; he took one last swig from the beer and threw the empty can on the ground. Walking up the front steps he steadied himself before going in. He stepped inside and up to her room. She opened the door and let him in; she had been waiting for him. Closing the door behind him she went and lay down on the bed waiting for him to make the first move. She seemed shy almost, but that was probably an act, everything with her was an act. She didn't say a word, just waited for him, her blonde curly hair spread over her shoulders. That's why he choose her in the first place, she reminded him of his Sam.

His Sam? He must have drunk more than he thought. He just hoped he wasn't so drunk that he wouldn't be able to go through with this. It would be a complete waste of his money if he wasn't able to actually sleep with her, and as hookers went she was expensive enough.

_I'm so tired of being here_

_Suppressed by all of my childish fears_

Sam came home from work, she was so exhausted, it had been really busy in the ER. All she wanted to do was go to bed. The house was quiet; she guessed that Alex was asleep. Not caring where Steve was she went up to her room.

Entering it she saw that Steve was in there, waiting for her it would seem. She cursed herself for not insisting that Alex sleep in her bed again. Steve came up to her, she could see that he was high, his eyes were dilated and there was a tiny spot of white powder under his nose. He grabbed her roughly; his hands on her upper arms, and kissed her. She winced in pain, his hands were holding onto her as if his life depended on it. He didn't have to speak for her to know what he was after, and she shuddered at the thought.

_And if you have to leave_

_I wish that you would just leave_

_Because you're presence still lingers here _

_And it won't leave you alone_

Luka took off his shirt and shoes and joined the woman on the bed. He had been going to her for some time now, yet he didn't know her name. He didn't need to know her name, it wasn't important. It's not like they were dating or anything.

He was just getting on the bed when she pinned him to it, and started making her way down his chest, kissing and nibbling every inch of skin as she went. Luka closed his eyes in pleasure; the woman really knew how to do her job. The only problem was that she wasn't Sam.

_You used to captivate me_

_By your resonating light_

Sam was pushed up against the wall, Steve's hands running all over her, his mouth on hers. He pushed her farther up against the wall, she could barely move under his weight. The only thought she had was for her baby, he was pressing too hard against her stomach. She tried to fight him off, put he just pushed her harder. In the end she knew that she wasn't going to win, he wasn't going to give up.

Instead of fighting, she just gave in and started kissing him back and pulling at his shirt. The sooner they got started, the sooner it would be over, she knew that. It was always the same when he was high, he never lasted long.

Steve got the message, and he pulled her towards the bed. Once there he sat her down and quickly took his clothes off before undressing her. Sam shuddered as he slid her shirt over her head; she closed her eyes and pushed all of her thoughts out of her head. It was easier if she just didn't think.

_But now I'm bound by the life you left behind_

Luka ran his hand through her hair; it wasn't as soft as Sam's had been. He closed his eyes and imagined that it was her that he was with, her body that was underneath his. He let everything go, and just focused in the pleasure of the moment. He found himself calling out Sam's name.

_Your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams_

Sam closed her eyes as Steve entered her. He wasn't gentle; the whole process was almost painful. But then, it usually was when Steve was in this state. Opening her eyes she saw how much he was enjoying himself. It was too much; she had to close her eyes again. She couldn't bear to look at him. It was one of those times that she was glad to be numb, glad that she didn't have to deal with her feelings right then.

_Your voice it chased away all the sanity in me_

When Luka was finished he got up from the bed. He got dressed without looking at the woman who he knew was watching him. Throwing the money down on the bed, he made another appointment and left.

Walking home, he couldn't help but think of Sam. He missed her with every once of his being. Even alcohol wasn't enough to make him forget sometimes.

_These wounds won't seem to heal_

_This pain is just too real_

Lying in bed with Steve asleep, his body mostly on top of hers, her mind wandered. Touching her stomach, she apologised to her daughter and silently told her that she had a better dad. He just didn't want to be with them. She could remember everything about Luka, and she missed it all, she missed everything about him and nothing could wipe the pain away.

_There's just too much that time cannot erase_

Both of them fell asleep that night thinking of each other. Even though they had left each other's lives, didn't see each other any more, a piece of them was with the other, waiting for the return. Waiting for the time when they would be whole again.

_But you still have all of me_

_TBC_

_Song is My Immortal by Evanescene_


	17. Chapter Sixteen

Chapter Sixteen

Sam woke up to find the other side of her bed empty; she was surprised that Steve wasn't beside her. It was a relief to find him gone. Getting out of the bed her whole body ached. She went over to the mirror to inspect the damage. There was a huge bruise on her back from when Steve had pushed her forcefully against the wall. That was all, there was no other damage; no other visible damage anyway. Her head and legs ached. Sighing at her reflection, she walked away and went downstairs to the kitchen.

On entering she saw an unusual sight; Alex was helping Steve make breakfast. It was a sight she never thought she'd witness. Steve caught sight of her and smiled.

"This was meant to be a surprise," he said.

"Yeah," Alex added, "Dad and I were making you breakfast in bed, we figured you deserved it. I thought it'd be nice since you're pregnant and all. Dad even got you a bunch of flowers."

Sam looked over at the bouquet that sat on the table. It all made sense now, Steve was back to his old tricks. Beat her and then act like the best boyfriend in the world the next morning, while promising that it would never happen again. He'd never change.

"Don't you like them?" Alex asked going over to her.

"I think they're lovely," she replied, "and I think it was a great idea." She smiled down at him, she couldn't fault her son.

She sat down at the table; the smell from the flowers was strong. He had gotten her lilies, she hated lilies; every time Steve beat her and got her flowers it was always lilies. Steve served up the breakfast and they all sat together as a family.

Alex was so happy; he had never had this before. He had never had his parents together like this before; and he felt like he finally had a family. He hoped that his dad meant it this time and wouldn't leave like he always did. He ate his breakfast and made a silent wish that just this once his dad would keep his promise.

Sam didn't say much, just went along with the little play that Steve had staged for her benefit. His usual, 'look I am a good guy', play that was never convincing. He was the perfect, dotting boyfriend; making sure every was just right for her and kissing her on the cheek. After what he had done the night before, it just made her want to throw up. Steve was no gentleman, and watching him trying to pull it off only made him seem creepy.

Steve managed to escape the house without having to talk to Sam alone; he was taking Alex to the park for an hour or two and then dropping him off at his friend's house for a sleep over. Sam waved them off and hoped Steve didn't do anything stupid or careless with Alex. He seemed fine enough today and she knew he'd be careful about how he acted for the next few days; it was all part of the pattern; beat you, have sex with you and then act like it was a huge mistake that you were truly sorry for and will never repeat. She had witnessed the pattern way too much.

Carter burst through the front door, exhausted from travelling. He resisted the urge to call out 'Honey I'm home!' he wasn't sure what Sam would make of that.

"Anyone home?" he yelled instead while hanging up his coat.

Sam came out into the hall and walked up to him.

"You're back. How was the trip?" She asked giving him a big hug.

"Horrible, that's the family business for you." He had spent most of his time thinking about her, worrying about her. "How have you been? Did you miss me?"

"You know I did," Sam laughed, "without you I had to do everything in the house all by myself."

"Glad to know I'm good for something."

"I did miss you, you're a good friend." She replied, "Come on, I'll make you some coffee."

Carter followed her into the kitchen, bringing his luggage with him. Her last statement has stung, "you're a good friend", friend, that's all he was to her. It wasn't exactly news, but it still stung to be reminded of the fact. He was stuck in the dreaded friend zone; he didn't want more friends.

"So, did you meet any drop dead gorgeous woman in New York that made it hard to contemplate coming home?" Sam asked placing a mug of coffee in front of him and sitting beside him at the table. She was half joking, half being hopeful; she'd feel better if Carter met someone else and got over her.

"Well, I was fighting the women back with sticks but there was no-one in particular." Not when I have you to come home to, he added silently in his head.

"The women in New York aren't that great anyway, very over rated if you ask me." Carter added, "So how about you, did you hit it off with some hunk while I was gone?"

"Yeah, cause you know how much those hunks love single mothers!"

"I take it that it's a no then?"

"Yep," Sam nodded, "Steve, Alex's father came back so even if there are been some guy, I wouldn't have had a spare moment to see him."

"Why didn't you tell me this before? I would have come home early."

"I think I can handle my ex," She lied, if last night was anything to go by then she had quite some ways to go before she could truthfully say that.

Carter let the topic drop, he had never met Steve but from what he had seen he wasn't impressed. Changing the subject completely he opened his bag and took out a small gift bag.

"Here, I got you something" he said handing it to Sam.

Sam opened it up and found a white gold bracelet imbedded with diamonds.

"Carter," she gasped, "I can't accept this."

"Why not?"

"Because, it's too much. How much did it cost?" She couldn't believe he had gotten her such an extravagant gift, she was sure her eyes must have popped out of her head when she looked at it.

"Like I'm going to tell you how much it cost; let's just say it wasn't that much."

"Carter, we have different opinions on how much is too much. I really don't think I can accept this, I feel bad taking it from you." She handed the bracelet and the box it was in back to Carter.

Carter took the bracelet out and leaning forward in his seat proceeded to fasten it on her wrist.

"Nonsense," he said, "I'm not going to wear it, so you might as well."

Sam stared down at the bracelet on her arm, it was beautiful, and put Steve's flowers to shame. Carter was obviously not going to accept it back; she may as well keep it. She just wished he had gotten her something less expensive; if he had really felt the need to get her something.

She went over and kissed him on the cheek.

"Thank you."

"You're welcome." The gift may have been a bit too much, he knew that, but the look on her face alone was worth it. She had been so shocked and overwhelmed, and now seeing her look happy; it was most definitely worth it.

"Hey Sam, thanks for coming," Susan greeted Sam who had arrived with Carter to Cosmo's birthday party a few minutes before.

"No problem, I wouldn't miss Cosmo's first birthday," Sam answered handing Susan a present for the little boy.

"Thanks, if he could talk he'd much appreciate it." Susan took the present and placed in on the table beside her. It was then she noticed the bracelet on Sam's arm.

"Wow," she said grabbing Sam's wrist, "where did you get this beauty?"

"Carter brought it back from New York for me," Sam replied sheepishly.

"It's gorgeous! It must have cost . . ."

"I know," Sam cut her off, "I tried to give it back to him, it was way too much, but he wouldn't hear of it."

"Why would you give it back? If he was crazy enough to give it to you, I say keep it."

"Good point," Sam said laughing.

"That's the spirit." Susan replied. Out of the corner of her eye she could see Cosmo trying to fit a building block into his mouth.

"Cosmo!" She yelled running over to him.

Sam laughed as she watched Susan struggle with the toddler; it would seem that Cosmo was winning the battle. Chuck came over to help her, and it took the two of them to take the building blocks away from Cosmo, who refusing to view the blocks as anything other than food. In the end Chuck took Cosmo away to get him some food hoping that it would distract him.

Susan was getting back onto her feet when Carter came over.

"That's one feisty kid you've got there"

"That's my boy for you," Susan replied.

"He must have gotten it from you."

"I'll take that as a compliment." She answered. "By the way Carter, what were you thinking buying Sam that fantastic piece of jewellery? It's not something you buy for someone who is just a friend!"

"She deserved it, after everything she's been through. You should have seen her face when she opened the box."

"Carter, how much of your time away did you spend thinking about her?"

Carter didn't answer the question; he didn't think that Susan would like the answer given that he never stopped thinking about her.

Susan sighed looking at her friend; it was obvious that his feelings for Sam were just getting deeper.

"How much did the bracelet cost?"

"You don't want to know." Carter knew that Susan would not like to hear the price, if she was unhappy about it now then knowing just how expensive it had been would only make her worse.

"She's not going to run into your arms you know."

"I do know." Carter sighed.

"No, John, I don't think you do. She's carrying Luka's baby, a fact I feel the need to repeat to you over and over; just try to remember that."

"Yeah, she's carrying his child and where is he? He's clearly forgotten her, why can't I have her. I obviously care about her more." He was trying very hard not to yell, he didn't want everyone else that was there to hear their conversation.

"I went to Luka's apartment yesterday. He's a mess John, I've never seen a man so broken in all of my life; it's like he's just given up. And the place stank of alcohol, he hasn't forgotten her. He hasn't forgotten her at all."

Carter just stared at Susan, there was nothing more to say. He knew that if Luka really was that broken up over losing Sam they should do the best to get them back together. His heart was telling him different, Sam was fine with him. She didn't need Luka, she was happy.

He looked over to where Sam was standing beside the table which had Cosmo's presents on it. She didn't look happy. For the first time since he had come back he really looked at her; she didn't look happy at all. If anything she looked tired, wrecked. Susan was right, she wasn't going to run into his arms; there wasn't going to be a happy ending for them.

Susan watched Carter, watched as he watched Sam. She could see the lost look in his eyes; nothing about this situation was good. It was hurting her friends, and there was nothing she could do. She shook her head and saw Carter go over to Sam. It wasn't her job to fix this; and right now she just wanted to focus on her son's first birthday. She went into the kitchen to get the cake ready; it was almost time for Cosmo to blow out the candle.

Sam looked up and saw Carter was now beside her, forcing a smile she looked up at him.

"You okay?" he asked.

"Yeah," she answered knowing that she was anything but, "I'm fine."

Carter could tell she was lying, but now was not the time to get her to discuss her feelings. They were at a child's birthday party.

"Come on," he said putting his arm around her, "they're about to do the cake."

He gave her shoulder a little squeeze and noticed her wince in pain. He moved his arm to her lower back and noticed that this time she seemed in even worse pain. He wondered what had happened to her, it was like she had been battered. It wasn't the right time to press her for details; he took her hand and led her over to where everyone else was gathered. Some things were better left unsaid.

They walked through the front door in silence, both tired from the day. Carter took Sam's coat and hung it up with his own. She stayed where she was, as if she could no longer move. He decided that it was now or never; he hadn't been able to get the look of agony on her face when he had touched her back out of his mind.

He went and stood behind her and gently lifted her top, revealing her back.

"What are you doing Carter?" Sam shrieked trying to move away.

Carter kept her in place and looked at her back, there was a huge purple bruise covering most of it.

"Jesus Christ," he gasped, "What happened to you?"

Sam turned around to face Carter; she was barely able to face the look of disbelief on his face. He had caught her off guard, there was no way she would have let him see the bruise otherwise. She tried to speak but there didn't seem to be anything to say. She could hardly tell him she walked into the door. Even if, by some miracle, he believed it, it was too much of a cliché.

"I'm such a klutz," she said finally, "I bumped into the edge of the counter in the kitchen yesterday. It was just a silly thing." It sounded like a pathetic excuse, even to her.

"Sam, do you expect me to believe that?" Carter reasoned, he didn't believe her and suspected he had every right not to. "I've been living in the same house as you for over a month now and you are no klutz."

"It was nothing Carter, just leave it."

"Tell me what happened to you Sam" He was almost pleading with her.

"I told you," she retorted.

"No, you told me what you want me to believe happened, you didn't tell me what actually happened."

"I told you the truth, why are you so adamant that I'm lying?"

"I think the question that needs to be asked is why you won't tell me the truth."

"Don't push this Carter, please."

The look in her eyes was almost enough to stop him. She looked at him with puppy dog eyes, eyes that begged him to leave the topic alone. He was too worried about her; the bruise looked like it was from being pushed against a surface. But who would do that?

"_Steve, Alex's father came back"_

She had said that earlier, and from what he had heard Steve was not a nice guy. Did Luka mention him beating her up before?

"Did Steve do this to you?" Carter asked gently.

Sam was surprised; she hadn't expected Carter to ask outright if Steve had caused the bruise. She didn't know what to say; to tell the truth or to not tell the truth, that was the question. Why should she cover up for Steve? But, it was never Steve she was covering up for; she didn't want people to view her as weak.

"I . . . He . . ." Sam started to say, she didn't get the chance to finish though.

Steve came out into the hallway and coming up behind Sam put his arms around her.

"Hey babe," he said kissing her on the cheek.

Sam looked like a rabbit caught in headlights; Carter knew the answer to his question then. If it wasn't true, Sam wouldn't have looked so terrified. Resisting the urge to punch Steve, he chose instead to introduce himself. He was afraid of what Steve might do to Sam if he punched him; it was the only thing holding him back.

"You must be Steve," he said, "I'm Carter."

"The infamous Carter pleased to meet you." Steve answered. "Alex is upstairs in bed; Austin's mom had to cancel the sleep over so I stayed here with Alex."

"Thanks," Sam managed to say.

"Carter is it okay if I stayed here again tonight?" Steve asked, "My friend, Max, has gone out for the night and I don't have a key, I don't have anywhere to sleep now."

Sam took in a breath; her eyes were going wider by the minute. Carter felt trapped; he had no good reason to say no to Steve. Sure the fact that the guy had bruised her seemed like a great reason, but he knew that if he mentioned it Sam would just deny it and he'd be left looking a fool. But at the same time, it was obvious Sam was scared of him staying the night.

"Sure, you can stay." He replied feeling guilty when he saw Sam's face. "You can sleep in my room, I'll bunk with Sam."

He knew he had done the right thing; Sam's face was suddenly flooded with relief. Steve had no option but to accept, he knew that. He had noticed the bracelet on Sam's arm, a present from the man who was going to share her bed that night; he had no doubt about that. Sam had said that she wasn't fucking this guy, Steve didn't believe that now. He was jealous and angry all at the same time. As long as she didn't sleep with this guy with him sleeping just a few doors away he'd be able to hold it in for now.

Later, when Sam was in bed with Carter she clung on to him for dear life, as if she was afraid he'd leave her in the middle of the night. Carter's blood was boiling, Steve was a real jerk. With Sam clinging to him like a young child afraid of the monsters under the bed, he wanted more than anything to protect her from everything. He knew that it was too late in many ways; whatever Steve had done couldn't be erased. And that fact hurt him the most.

TBC


	18. Chapter Seventeen

Chapter Seventeen

Carter found Steve in the kitchen when he went to have breakfast. They each went about there way, Carter resented how well Steve seemed to know his way about the house. He must have spent most of the time here when Carter was away.

"Just what are you doing with my Sam," Steve asked suddenly. He was still angry from the night before. This Carter guy was obviously sleeping with Sam, and he wasn't happy about it.

"What do you mean?" Carter was slightly puzzled by the question.

"You sleeping with her?" Steve replied.

"No, we're just friends."

"Yeah, guys don't buy pretty jewellery for girls who are 'just friends'. You are the one who bought her the bracelet?"

"Yeah, I am, but that doesn't mean anything." Carter answered.

"You expect me to believe that?" Steve spit the words out, "No guy buys a girl diamonds unless he's expecting something in return. Hell most guys don't buy flowers for a girl without expecting sex."

"I don't want Sam to sleep with me just because I bought her jewellery." Carter was slightly taken aback by how open Steve was being about his feelings, they had only met the day before after all.

"But you do want her to sleep with you?" Steve made it a question.

"What? No!"

"You don't find her attractive? There's nothing wrong with Sam, she's one hell of a girl you know and she's gorgeous. She can be a bit moody at times, you'll have to forgive that; but it's worth it when you have her body writhing underneath yours. She's one hell of a ride!"

Carter stared at Steve, he couldn't believe this guy. This was the guy who Alex idolised? The guy was a jerk, it was hard to see what had even attracted Sam to him in the first place.

The anger was boiling up inside him, he had been with Sam last night, he had seen how frightened she had been and he had seen why. The bruise on her back had been put there by this jerk, it was too much for him. Without giving it a further thought he clenched his fist and felt great satisfaction when it came into contact with Steve's nose.

Steve stepped back, shocked at the strength of Carter's punch. He wiped the blood away from under his nose and burst out laughing. The laugh sounded so sadistic that Carter was frozen to his place. Just what was Steve thinking?

"You love her," Steve said and burst out laughing again. "She'll never love you back you know, she'd never love someone like you."

Carter resisted the urge to punch him again, he didn't want Steve to know just how much his words affected him.

"Even if she did, you had better back off because she's mine. You see me, Sam and Alex; we're a family. Nobody messes with my family, I don't let them." Steve wasn't laughing anymore. He looked deathly serious and with the blood running from his nose, he looked like someone you wouldn't want to mess with.

"Funny that, I wonder what her views are on the subject, considering she's pregnant with another man's child and all."

"That doesn't change anything, just because the idea of birth control seems to lost on her doesn't mean anything. We're a family, she's tried to struggle against it but she can't run forever."

"And you can't force her to be stay and play happy families with you."

"I did before, why should now be different."

Carter was appalled, this guy really had no morals at all. And to be so open about it . . . Looking around the kitchen he saw that the mirror from the hall was on the counter, small traces of white powder on it. He was high, he was high in Carter's own home. Steve really was too much.

"You'd think that, seems how you seem to care so much about Sam and Alex, you'd be around more often. Not to mention being sober around them."

"I'm around as much as I can be."

"As much as it suits you more like."

"Look here," Steve said coming up real close to Carter so their faces were almost touching. "You don't know anything about me, or my family. So why don't you just stay out of it."

"Sam is a very good friend of mine, and her and Alex are living under my roof, so I don't think I can stay out of it." Carter wasn't going to let Steve intimidate him.

"You can't keep them from me, I have every right to see Alex and where Alex goes Sam is sure to follow."

"You're right, I can't stop you from seeing Alex. I can stop you from coming here though, from now on you're not welcome here so don't come back."

"You're going to pay for that, and for what you did to my nose. I could beat you up, but with you that would be too easy. No, I have something better to hurt you with."

He stared Carter right in the eyes and Carter gulped, he couldn't help it and he knew that Steve meant what he said.

"The night before you came back, I had sex with Sam in your home. And believe me she was willing. So now every time you see me with Sam, I'm going to make sure you know that I've had her in ways that you can only dream of." He whispered the whole thing to Carter, and enjoyed the look on Carter's face afterwards.

Sam and Alex entered the kitchen to find Steve and Carter like that, one standing nearly on top of the other, neither speaking.

"What's going on?" Alex asked looking from the two men to his mother. Sam just shrugged at her son, she was as clueless as he was.

Steve stepped back and put his hand up to his nose. Carter stayed where he was frozen to the spot. He was worried about what Steve would say and considering the fact that Carter had punched Steve things weren't looking to good for him.

"I was terribly clumsy and I whacked myself in the face, Carter here was just being a good doctor and checking out the damage." Steve answered Alex's question.

"Can I see?" Alex asked going over to his dad.

Steve bent down to his son and Alex inspected the damage, "Cool!" he exclaimed. Steve laughed at Alex's reaction.

"Sam would you be able to help me clean up?" Steve asked.

Sam looked from Steve to Carter and then back at Steve again. She had her doubts about how Steve had gotten the bloody nose, something had happened between the two men and she wanted to know what. She sighed and went and got a cloth and a basin of water and went over to where Steve was now sitting. Forcing a smile she started to wet the cloth.

"Hey Alex, would you do me a favour and get me a shirt from my bag? I can't go around wearing this one, it's got blood all over it."

Alex nodded and headed upstairs to retrieve it. Sam stood closer to Steve and he opened his legs so she was standing in between them. She started cleaning the blood off. Carter was left standing there watching them, unable to turn away.

When Sam turned slightly to wash out the cloth, Steve looked right over at Carter, making sure he was watching. She turned back and started wiping his face again, Steve in turn put his arms around her waist and started caressing her back, sliding one hand under her top so he could touch her skin. He could see Carter out of the corner of his eye and he enjoyed the pain expression on his face.

Sam tried hard to just concentrate on what she was doing and ignore Steve's hands. Watching the blood from the cloth turn the water pink she wished it was that easy to wash away her problems. Turning back to face Steve, she inhaled sharply as his hand came into contact with her skin. She closed her eyes for a second and felt everything wash away inside her, just like the blood through the water, until she felt nothing. Then she continued on with what she was doing.

Carter watched the whole time, he found it hard to do anything else. Steve was pushing all of the right buttons and Carter could feel the jealously rising inside him. He wanted to go over and pull Sam out of Steve's grasp but he couldn't move. His mind was struggling with images of Steve and Sam together, and he felt as though someone had punched him in the chest. How could Sam willingly have slept with that guy? He hadn't believed Steve at first when he said she had been willing to have sex with him, but now, watching the two of them, he saw that she didn't move away. She didn't even try to stop him. Maybe Steve was right.

"There, all done," Sam said placing the cloth back into the basin.

She went to move away but Steve pulled her back, he pulled a little too hard and she stumbled and fell into his lap. He put his arm around her waist so that she wouldn't be able to get up. Rubbing his hand up and down her leg he looked over at Carter.

"She's one hell of a nurse, isn't she?" He asked, "Anyone would be lucky to have her looking after them."

"Yeah," Carter agreed, "she's a really good nurse, very talented."

"That she is," Steve laughed, "That she is."

No one in the room spoke, each lost in their own thoughts. Both Sam and Carter felt slightly trapped in Steve's sick little game and neither could figure a way out.

"Well," Steve said after a few moments, while standing up and pushing Sam off his knee, "as much fun as much fun as this is, I'm going to go and see what happened to Alex. He's been way too long for just getting a shirt."

He gave Sam a quick hug and kissed her on the cheek and told her to make sure she had a proper breakfast, she was eating for two after all, then he exited the room leaving Sam and Carter alone.

The two had nothing to say to each other though. Carter had about a thousand questions that he wanted to ask Sam, but he just couldn't. It was her life after all and he didn't have any right to question it. Besides, he was too angry to talk to her, to talk to anyone.

_I'm going to make sure you know that I've had her in ways that you can only dream of._

Steve's words kept repeating over and over in his head, and he didn't want to have to deal with anyone right then.

"Who's Sam?"

Luka turned around sharply and looked at the hooker who was sitting on the bed behind him. She had been silent the last few times, just like he had asked, and he had been shocked to hear her speak. Especially since she spoke her name.

"Where did you hear that name?"

"From you," she answered. "Do you mind if I smoke?"

Luka shook his head and she lit up a cigarette. He stared at her, he never spoke to her, how could he have told her Sam's name.

"You call out her name when you come," she said sensing Luka's puzzlement, "and since it's not my name I'm just curious as to who she is."

He hadn't even realised that he did that. It made sense though, he usually thought about Sam when he was with this woman.

"How do you know it's a she?"

"Oh please," she answered taking a drag of her cigarette, "I've slept with you, I know you're not gay."

"How can you be so sure?"

"Honey, when you've been in this business as long as I have, you can tell. And don't ask how, trust me, you don't want to know."

She took another drag and stared at him, waiting for his response. Luka was doing his best to keep his mind off of what she had just told him. He didn't want to think about how she could tell the difference, but it was difficult to take his mind off it.

"You gonna answer my question?" She asked.

"Sam was someone . . . she's an ex-girlfriend that's all. I'd rather not talk about it." Luka hoped she'd leave it at that.

"You still love her?. . . You don't have to answer, I can tell from the way you're acting. Why don't you try to win her back?"

"If I did get back together with her, you'd be losing a customer. Do you really want that?" He tried to push her away from the question she had asked.

"It'd just be one less guy to sleep with," she answered truthfully, "I'm just saying, surely you'd rather be with her then with some prostitute who's name you don't even know."

"Why do you care?"

"I don't know, I really don't. There's just something about you, something about your pain that's almost too much to witness, let alone live with."

There was something in the way she said those words that got to Luka, he had been ready to yell at her or just walk out. He had thought that she was just being nosy. But she was right, being with Sam would be so much better, it just wasn't an option.

"She doesn't love me anymore," He said quietly, "I'm sure of it."

Sam was in the ER, working, glad to have a valid reason for getting away from the house. Carter had hardly spoken to her since breakfast, whatever had passed between him and Steve had kept them both quiet for the day. It was unsettling.

She was searching through the medicines trying to find the right one for her patient. Someone had been putting them in the wrong places again and it meant she couldn't find anything. She felt someone brush past her and turning around her heart stopped as she found herself face to face with Luka.

_And so it is_

_The shorter story_

_No love, no glory_

_No hero in her sky_

Luka knew that he was barely breathing, he hadn't expected to run into her like this, and having her so close was killing him. She was close enough to touch, all he had to do was reach out. He couldn't even remember what he had come in for.

_I can't take my eyes off of you_

_I can't take my eyes off of you_

_I can't take my eyes off of you_

The only thing he could think of was her, and it took all his strength to stop himself from pulling her to him. To reach out and touch her, to kiss her, to hold her in his arms; it was almost too much to bear.

_I can't take my eyes off of you_

_I can't take my eyes off of you_

_I can't take my eyes off of you_

Sam's heart was beating so fast, all she could see was him. Her heart ached for him, ached for him to reach out and touch her, to kiss her, to hold her in his arms, to show her that he still loved her. She didn't quite see how they had come to this. Was she the one who sent him away?

_Did I say that I loath you?_

_Did I say that I want to_

_Leave it all behind?_

Looking away slowly they each found what they needed and went to leave. If they just concentrated on finding the meds and then leaving they'd be able to push the other person out of their mind, right?

_I can't take my mind off of you_

_I can't take my mind off of you_

They both went to leave at the same time and got caught against each other, it wasn't big enough for two people to walk through. Luka turned and let Sam pass. Both of them ached for the other and it was torture when she had to push past him, their bodies touching, because they knew this was the closest they were going to get to the other person and it hurt to think that.

_I can't take my mind off of you_

_I can't take my mind off of you_

They went their separate ways then, went on and did their jobs. Throughout everything they did: talking to the patients, healing their wounds, bringing patients back from near death; they couldn't stop thinking of the other. They couldn't stop thinking of the love they had lost. Couldn't stop themselves from thinking how the other person clearly didn't feel the same way anymore.

_I can't take my mind . . ._

_TBC_


	19. Chapter Eighteen

Chapter Eigteen  
  
"What's it like out there?" Sam asked Carter nodding her head at the door. The two were in the lounge, Carter was on his break and Sam had just arrived in. A week had passed since Cosmo's party, since Carter had found out about Steve and nearly broken the guy's nose. The two hadn't spoken much since then. Sam kept seeing Steve; she'd bring Alex to see him over at his new apartment.

"It's quiet enough at the moment," Carter answered.

"Good," Sam yawned. She had stayed over at Steve's the night before and she hadn't gotten much sleep. Alex had been staying at a friend's and Steve had invited her over. Carter had been working late and she had been really lonely, so she went to see him. It wasn't one of her brighter moments. He had ended up drinking too much; her arm was horribly bruised now from when he had grabbed her towards him.

As she pulled her scrub top on Carter noticed her arm was bruised. He could guess how it happened.

"Are you okay?" He asked.

"Yeah, I'm fine," She replied walking over to Carter. "Are you okay?"

"I'm worried about you." He answered truthfully.

"What's there to be worried about?"

"Steve,"

"You don't have to worry about him, trust me." Sam hoped that Carter would just leave it at that, she didn't feel like justifying her relationship with Steve to Carter when she couldn't even justify it to herself.

"I'm not worried about him; I'm worried about what he might be doing to you." He had hardly slept last night, knowing that she was with him tore him up, especially when he thought about what Steve might be doing to her, about how she would probably come home with more bruises.

"What is that supposed to mean?" She could tell where this conversation was leading and as far as she was concerned it was going downhill at every second.

"He hits you Sam, that's why I'm worried."

"I never said that . . ." It was true, she had never openly told him.

"You didn't have to; I saw the bruise on your back. Why do you stay with him?" He didn't know why she would let him back into her life, time and time again.

"He's not like that, Alex loves him and he loves his son. Alex needs him in his life, he's been so much happier since Steve came back." Alex had been happier, it made her life slightly easier, she hated seeing him upset more than anything.

"And that makes him hitting you okay?"

Sam didn't answer, she just looked at the ground avoiding Carter's gaze. His words made a lot of sense, and she didn't have an answer to that question.

"It doesn't have to be like that Sam, you deserve better." He was thinking of how he would treat her better, give her everything she'd ever need or want, but he didn't dare say that out loud.

"I doubt Luka would think so. I loved him so much, but it was never enough. Even having his child isn't enough." In some ways, although she'd never utter the words out loud, Sam felt as though she deserved everything she got. Luka clearly didn't think much of her, and she was a terrible mother. She deserved every bump and bruise that Steve gave her. It was part of the reason why she let him get away with it, why she didn't try to stop him.

"It's not your fault that Luka left you." Carter couldn't believe that she'd blame herself, he may have been bias but if anyone was to blame he would blame Luka.

"I find that hard to believe Carter; if he cared about me at all I think he'd have stuck around for his daughter's sake. He can hardly stand to be around me. At least Steve wants to be with me, I'm not getting tons of offers you know." You don't abandon someone you love like that, she added silently to herself.

"I love you, you know that. Just leave Steve, cut him out of your life, I'll support you, I'll help you with whatever I can, just leave him . . . I beg you." Carter pleaded taking Sam's hand.

"I can't . . . Alex would never forgive me."

"You left him before" Why should this time be any different, he thought.

"Yeah, and Alex is screwed up enough as it is. I won't hurt my son like that, he's happy, really happy, and I can't take that away from him." All she ever wanted for her son was that he was happy and healthy, and he hadn't been this happy in a long time.

"Are you happy?"

"That doesn't matter." She replied truthfully.

"It does to me, and I'm sure Alex would want you to be happy."

"Well, to me his happiness is more important than my own."

"Even if that means you get physically hurt?"

Again Sam avoided his question; she didn't like talking about it.

"What about your unborn child? What if Steve hurts her?"

"You're blowing this all out of proportion. I would never put a child of mine in danger. Besides he doesn't hit me." Did Carter think she was a terrible mother as well?

"What about your back?" She couldn't lie about that, he had seen it, she knew that.

"That was just an accident." She lied.

"Really? Well then why did you lie about it?" He could see straight through her lies.

"Because I didn't think you would want to hear that I got it from him pushing me  
against the wall while we were having sex!" She snapped her hand out of his.

"I don't believe you; I know it's more than that. The guy is scum." He tried to push all images of her and Steve out of his mind; he didn't want to think of that.

"Hey, that's Alex's dad you're talking about."

"Yeah the man you keep running away from."

"He's also the man who you punched in the face, so I don't think its right for you to call him violent."

"You don't know what he was saying, and trust me he deserved it."

"What was he saying that was so bad?"

"He was talking about you, and what you're like in bed. I just couldn't take him talking of you like that, like you were just some object he liked to have sex with."

Sam went quiet again, it did sound like something Steve would talk about. She remembered back when they were first dating how he use to brag about her to all of his friends. She could remember how embarrassing it was whenever she was around them, especially when they were all drunk. They never held back what they were thinking, and usually it wasn't something she wanted to hear.

"Sam, leave him, please, I can't stand the thought of him hurting you."

"You can't stand the thought of him hurting me or the thought of him sleeping with me?"

As soon as the words left her mouth Sam felt extremely guilty for saying them. She knew he wasn't like that and she regretted saying it.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean it . . . it's just . . . you don't really understand, he can be really good to us, me and Alex. Besides I need him."

"Do you need this?" Carter pulled her sleeve up to reveal the bruise he knew was there. She must have received it the night before, it looked fresh.

Sam didn't get a chance to reply as Luka burst through the door at that moment. There was a mother and son coming in, both of them had been shot and he was going to need their help.

Luka watched the other two intensely, the tension in the room was so thick he felt it the minute he entered and he wondered what had passed before he walked in. They were living together, and Luka wondered if maybe the two were more than just room mates. Sam quickly pulled her arm back out of Carter's grip and they shared a glance before she raced out the door.

Carter followed her, but at the door Luka stepped in front of him, preventing him from leaving.

"Are you two dating?" Luka asked.

"I didn't think you cared," Carter answered leaving before Luka had a chance to respond.

Luka followed Carter towards the ambulance bay, his mind was focused on the last comment the other man had said. Luka wished that the people he worked with would just mind their own business and stay out of his. Frank's comments had become part of the daily routine, Luka would come in to work and the minute he reached admit Frank would start. It was always the same, how he shouldn't be avoiding his responsibility and how he should be supporting Sam. It wouldn't be so bad if he knew that it was only Frank saying those things, but the rest of the people agreed with him. Truth be told, Luka agreed with him too.

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Luka and Sam were in working on the ten year old boy who had been shot in the chest and leg. They had been doing compressions for twenty minutes and there was still no change. Luka didn't want to stop; he wasn't ready to accept that the kid was dead.

"Dr. Kovac, he's gone, we're just wasting our time trying to bring him back." Sam shouted at Luka, he was still shouting orders.

"I'm the doctor here; I think I know more than you do Nurse Taggart." Luka retorted.

"We've tried everything! There is nothing more we can do."

"If you have a problem with how I run my traumas maybe you should leave." Luka yelled.

"Fine, I have a problem with how you're running this trauma." Sam yelled back and she just stopped doing the compressions and walked out of the room.

Everyone looked at Luka, and he felt really uncomfortable under their judging stare. He took up from where Sam had left off. Carter walked into the room then and just looked around trying to figure out what had happened. He walked over to Luka.

"How long has he been gone?"

"Twenty minutes," Luka answered.

"Are you going to call it?"

"There's still hope."

"Luka, the boy is dead."

"This is my trauma Carter, you can't tell me what to do!"

"You know I'm right. I'm calling it."

"Fine," Luka yelled at Carter and stormed out of the trauma room.

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A while later Luka was coming back from telling the father that he had lost his son and his wife. He knew exactly how the man felt, he had been there himself. He hated having to do it, but he was the one who worked on the boy.

Walking towards the lounge, he was glad that his shift was over. He really needed a drink. His mind kept running back over the trauma, back over the man's face as he got the terrible news.

He went into the lounge and found Susan in there with Sam. Susan was sitting down with Sam beside her fast asleep.

"Are you okay Luka?"

"Yeah, I'll live. Is she okay?"

"She's fine, just tired. I was trying to wake her up but she won't budge, I have to get her home somehow though."

Luka walked up to the two of them and bent down, placing a kiss on Sam's forehead. He then picked her up, she was deeply asleep and the movement didn't stir her at all.

"I'll take her out to your car,"

Susan just followed Luka out the door, grabbing her and Sam's stuff. She wished that Sam was awake to see Luka then. To see the look on his face as he tenderly carried her. There was no doubt that he still loved her more than anything, Susan just couldn't understand how he could love someone so much and yet still abandon them.

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Luka watched as Susan drove away. He had held Sam in his arms, sure she had been asleep, but that small bit of contact with her had made him happy. Just holding her made him feel more complete than he had in a long time, and he wouldn't be able to do it again.

Shaking his head he walked away, denying the tears that were threatening to fall. He knew that once he got home he could drink his sorrows away. Drink so much that he wouldn't know who he was anymore. It wasn't much, but it was the only comfort he had, and he was glad to have it.

TBC


	20. Chapter Nineteen

Chapter Nineteen

"Why are you so convinced that she wants nothing to do with you?"

Luka looked at the woman questioning him, ever since she had turned up unexpected at his apartment Susan had been following him around and continuously checking up on him. It was really starting to grate him; couldn't she see that he didn't want help? He had ways of coping, ways of making everything disappear, and he wasn't about to give that up.

"I just know, okay? I know that she doesn't feel anything for me anymore." The bitterness sinking into his voice, why wouldn't she leave him alone to just wallow in his self pity.

"Luka!" Susan yelled, sometimes talking to him felt a lot like hitting her head against the wall only that would probably get some results. "Sam is crazy about you; she's going to have your child. You can't be pregnant with a person's child and not feel anything."

"Yeah, she probably hates me for putting her in that position, for forcing her to be a mother again." He snapped.

Susan was surprised, sure Sam had her doubts but mostly they were about her ability to be a single mother of two. Overall she seemed happy being pregnant, or at least she loved her child. Anyone who knew Sam could see that.

"She doesn't feel that way Luka, she's not like that. She's a great mother."

"I didn't say she wasn't!"

"I saw the way you were with her yesterday, when you carried her out to my car, why can't you just show her that side of you. She doesn't think you care about her, never mind love her."

"It's better that she thinks that way, her life is much better without me. She'll get over it soon enough, I'm sure she's pretty much over it already."

More than anything at that moment, Susan wanted to scream and beat some sense into Luka. He was a tough guy, she was sure he could take it. But it was unethical for her to beat up one of her doctors, some days she really hated her job.

"Is she dating Carter?" He asked, since seeing them the day before Luka wasn't able to get the image of the two of them together out of his mind.

"No, they're not, I'd know if they were."

"But he loves her, doesn't he?"

Susan didn't know what answer to give. Would Luka appreciate the truth or did he need her to lie? Would he be able to cope with knowing how Carter felt given the fact that he lived in the same house as Sam? On the other hand, if he knew how Carter felt then maybe he'd fight for Sam. If he did that then everybody would be happy. Except for Carter, of course, but she could fix him later.

"Yeah, he loves her, he loves her a lot."

"And she loves him?"

"No, she loves you, remember?"

"He'd be good for her; I know he'd treat her right. It could be just what she needs." Luka answered, completely ignoring Susan's answer. He hated to think of Sam with anyone else, but he wanted Susan to think he was coping with it. The less she knew about how he felt, the better.

Susan resisted the urge to slap Luka until he saw the truth, violence wasn't the answer. It was so frustrating though! She found it easier to explain things to Cosmo, hell; she actually thought that she could get Cosmo to understand that Sam loved Luka a lot quicker.

"Is that really what you want?" She asked.

Luka didn't answer, couldn't answer. He wasn't with Sam, he thought they were both better off apart but he most certainly didn't want anyone else to be with her. He knew he was being selfish, but the mere thought of anyone else being that close to her made his skin crawl, made him reach out for alcohol.

"Look at your life Luka, is this how you want to live? In five months time you're going to be a father again, do you really want your child to see you like this?"

"My child isn't going to see me; she's not going to know me. It's better that way." Luka said his voice barely above a whisper.

"So you're going to abandon your daughter? Just like that. How could you even think of doing that? You had children before Luka, how could you decide to do this?" Susan was angry now, part of her had believed that Luka would just turn around, be there for his baby when it was born. She had known Luka long enough to know how much his children had meant to him, how much he longed to have more. For him to turn away from Sam was one thing, to so blatantly say that he wouldn't even support his child was another thing entirely.

"It's better this way, it's better for everyone this way."

"How is it better Luka? I'm sorry but I don't see how your daughter growing up without knowing her father and you living without knowing your own daughter is a good thing!"

"You wouldn't understand," Luka answered.

"I might if you try to explain it to me." She really wanted to hear his answer.

"You still wouldn't understand, and you'd try to talk me out of it. Just do me a favour and stay out of my life."

Luka stormed out of the room leaving Susan alone wondering how the hell this problem could be fixed. Wondering if this problem could be fixed.

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"What the hell is your problem?" Steve yelled at Sam.

She had just arrived at his place after a long and hard day at work hoping for a bit of sympathy. She had been so naïve, like Steve was ever one for giving out comfort. She felt foolish for not realising the mood he was in the minute she walked through the door. It was one of those evenings when he was after one thing and one thing only. While she wanted a hug and sympathy, he wanted a whole lot more.

She had pushed him off her, causing him to yell at her, his eyes bulging in disbelief. Sam just kept staring at him; she didn't even bother to fix herself up, just stayed as she was, the strap of her vest top hanging off her shoulder, her hair all messed up.

"Well?" Steve continued, "Are you going to give me an answer?"

"I'm not in the mood," Sam muttered.

"Why did you come here then?" Steve asked mockingly.

"I had a tough day at work and was feeling down, for some stupid reason I thought that you might offer me some comfort!" Sam yelled back at him, letting all her angry at him, at herself out in her voice.

"I'm not up to dealing with your problems, okay, so don't start with me. I've had a really bad day and when you turned up I was hoping you could show me a good time, not drag me down with your problems."

She wasn't sure why she even bothered, why she ever thought he'd treat her well. He never had in the past, why should he start now?

"It's always about you, isn't it? Never mind me, never mind Alex, never mind all those times that you left us, all those times when you hurt us. You don't have a sympathetic bone in your body!" She really liked how it felt to be yelling at Steve again, to be telling him what she really thought of him.

"Sam, don't start on me now, okay? I really can't deal with this."

When she had a problem he didn't want to know, but when he had a problem he expected the whole world to tip toe around him? It was like his feelings were more important than hers. Of course that's the way things had always been, well almost always. In the beginning he had been there for her, listened to her, been willing to bend over backwards for her. That phase didn't last though, and he soon turned into the guy he was today.

As Sam didn't respond, didn't move, Steve took this as a sign that she was fine with everything now and stepped closer to her until he could feel her body brushing against his. Bending down, he crashed his lips against hers and pulled her into him.

Sam pushed against him as hard as she could. He struggled, holding onto her tighter. Eventually she pushed hard enough and he backed off.

"Bitch!"

Sam just took one last look at him before storming out of the apartment. She didn't need his shit anymore, she didn't want to sleep with him again, the mere thought of him touching her made her skin crawl. But then there were the times when she wanted nothing more than to feel pain, to feel something. She felt she deserved everything Steve gave her; every bruise was due to her own wrong doing.

Storming out of his place and going home, she wasn't sure what to think anymore. The conversation she had had with Carter the day before went through her mind, he had said she deserved better, was that true? She didn't feel like it was. She didn't even feel like she was a good person. Inside she was all muddled up, all confused, didn't know what to think. She felt herself fall back into the cave, the cave that she went to where everything was painful. Where all she wanted to do was lie down somewhere and die. Where nothing seemed worth living for.

Then she thought of Alex, and her baby. They were worth living for, neither of their fathers were great, and she was all they had. She had to keep going for them and she couldn't help but feel a slight bit of resentment towards them for that. They were the ones that kept her living, living her life that had become hell. Living a life where every minute felt like hours, and every hour felt like days. Where she was never free from pain.

All those feelings kept bubbling up inside her, rising up, begging to be let out. Sam felt ready to burst, ready to collapse under the strain. Then she had a thought, there was something that would make her feel better, something that would relieve the pressure.

Once home, Sam went straight towards the bathroom, straight for the razor blade that she had become acquainted with. Holding it securely between her fingers she quickly drew the blade against the flesh of her upper arm. She watched as the blood oozed out, slowly at first and then falling down her arm leaving behind it a red trail. As she watched, she felt everything inside her relax, felt all of the tension flow out with her blood. And she felt calm.

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Susan was on her way home, glad to be leaving the ER behind for the night. As she was walking out of the ambulance bay she saw Carter sitting on the bench. His shift had ended two hours ago; it was unlike him to stay behind so late. Susan went over and sat beside him, knowing that she wouldn't be able to go home until she figured out what was wrong with him.

Carter could feel someone sitting down beside him and glancing to his side he was glad to find it was Susan. He wasn't in the mood for dealing with anyone else.

"What are you still doing here?" Susan asked.

"Well, you know me," Carter replied, "I can't get enough of this place."

"Yeah, neither can I." Susan laughed.

"But really, what are you still doing here," She continued, her voice full of concern.

"I don't want to go home," He whispered.

"Why?" Susan was very worried now.

"Because . . ." He started.

"Because of Sam?" Susan asked.

Carter just nodded.

"I told you that it was a bad idea for her to live with you. Are you finding it hard to keep your feelings in? Is that it?"

Carter shook his head, "No, that's not it at all."

"Then what is it Carter? Tell me, I might be able to help."

"I doubt it."

"Carter, just tell me," She was getting so fed up with men and there need to fix everything on their own. First Luka and now Carter.

"It's to do with Steve." He answered.

"Sam's ex?"

"Yeah, Alex's father, he came back."

"Oh, and what's he done?"

Carter looked at Susan and suddenly tears started forming in his eyes.

"What is it Carter? Tell me, please, because you're really starting to worry me."

"He hits her,"

"Sam?" She asked shocked, she never imagined Sam as the type of person to let anyone hit her.

"Yeah," Carter nodded, "He beats her and she still goes to him, goes out with him. He hits her, is so horrible to her, and part of me just keeps thinking that she picked him over me. She picked a guy who physically bruises her over me. How selfish is that?"

"Hey, it's okay to feel that way," Susan said pulling him into a hug, "It's perfectly okay for you to feel that way."

They stayed that way for a while, the two of them just sitting there on the bench, neither saying a word. Both of them thinking about Sam, thinking about Steve and thinking about the man that was leaving Sam and his baby behind.

TBC


	21. Chapter Twenty

Chapter Twenty

Sam was feeling better; she had covered up her arm, bandaging it after cleaning the wound. She peeked into Alex's room, he was sound asleep. Watching him for a while she resisted the urge to tuck him in, he looked so peaceful and she didn't want to wake him. Hearing someone banging on the door she headed down the stairs to answer it.

Opening the door slowly she sighed softly to herself when she saw Steve behind it. He barged on into the house without waiting for her to invite him in, and headed towards the kitchen. She shut the door and followed him, wondering what his reason was for being there.

The minute she entered the room he put his arms around her, pulling her as close to him as possible. Sam was overcome by the smell of alcohol from his breath, and clothes. He was clearly drunk, and that was never a good thing.

He touched her chin, raising her face so that she was looking up at him. She pushed him off as he bent down to kiss her.

"You're drunk," she said.

"Yeah, so?" He answered as he moved towards her once more.

"What do you want Steve?" Sam asked backing away from him as he came towards her until she felt the wall against her back.

"You," Steve replied taking advantage of the fact that she was trapped between the wall and him.

He took one more step forward so that he was right in front of her, and placed his two hands on the wall on either side of her. He leaned in and kissed her forcibly, the stench of beer turning Sam's stomach so much she thought she was going to hurl. She pushed against him; panic setting in the longer his mouth was locked with his. Even drunk he was too strong for her.

Steve paused for breath, leering at her with eyes that were slightly glazed. Sam took the chance and ducked out under one of his arms and ran out of the room towards the hall. She paused briefly at the front door, knowing that it was the only real way to escape from him. She couldn't leave, not with Alex in the house, and there was no way she'd have enough time to bring him with her. She could already hear Steve approaching. Running up the stairs she didn't stop until she reached her bedroom. At least there she could lock the door, he'd give up soon enough, he always did.

Once in the room she turned to close the door but it was too late, Steve was already there. He had her wrist in his grasp before she knew what had happened.

"What the fuck is wrong with you? I thought we were 'dating' again, and now you, all of a sudden, don't want to know?" His grip on her wrist tightened as he yelled at her.

"Steve, sex doesn't equal a relationship; you never did grasp that concept." Her voice was strong and clear. She had learned a long time ago how to sound in control when she so clearly wasn't. The last thing she wanted was for Steve to know just how scared she was.

"Whatever! We were having fun."

"You were having fun." Sam muttered.

Steve pulled on her wrist, hard enough to send her stumbling in his direction, his body the only thing stopping her from falling down. With his other hand he yanked her head up so that she was looking right at him. He leaned down right into her, so their foreheads were touching.

"And just what is that supposed to mean?" He asked gruffly, his tone of his voice suggesting everything that he was willing to do to teach her a lesson.

Sam didn't answer, sometimes not speaking was more important than getting the last word.

"FINE!" He yelled after staring at her for a few moments waiting for her reply. "I'll show you a good time, you ungrateful bitch!"

He yanked on her wrist, pulling her across the room, dragging her over to where the bed was before flinging her onto it. Sam lay there, terrified, unable to think, to move. The sound of a him undoing his zipper brought her back to her senses. She had to get away, had to try to escape. 

Steve laughed at the sight of her trying to quietly drop off the bed and flee. He was on top of her, pinning her to the floor before she could try to stop him; her head banging off the ground with a loud thud.

"Did you really think I'd let you get away that easily?" He sneered.

Sam just gulped; she had never seen Steve like this before. Sure he had been violent, but never this bad, never this vindictive. For the first time she was petrified, knowing what he was planning to do and being unable to stop it from happening.

He had her hands held tightly in hers, his body crushing her so that she couldn't move. There was nothing she could do. She struggled against him throughout the whole ordeal. Her movements and her yells didn't deter him; he kept on going, not stopping until he was done.

When he was finished, he quickly got up and zipped himself up. He bent back down to her once more before leaving, kissing her on the forehead before whispering in her eye.

"See? Wasn't that fun?"

Sam couldn't hear him leaving; she could only hope that he had left the house. She stayed where she was, not moving as the realisation of what happened sank in. Tears started flowing down her face as she lay where he left her.


	22. Chapter Twenty One

Chapter Twenty-One

Sam finally managed to get up off the floor. Every part of her ached. All she wanted was to have a nice long bath, she just needed to wash every last remnant of Steve off her. Just thinking of him made her skin crawl. It was almost as if she could still feel his touch on her skin, still feel his body pressed against hers. She felt dirty and wanted nothing more than to scrub until she couldn't feel him on her anymore.

It was when she was fixing up her clothes that she heard him; it was just a little sob coming from the corner nearest the door. Looking over she saw Alex huddled there, his knees pulled up into his chest, his hands over his ears, his eyes shut tight.

"Alex?"

She knew it was him, she'd know him anywhere, but seeing him like that, looking so terrified, she couldn't help but wish it she was imagining it. That her son was safely tucked up in his bed. That the possibility of him having been there the whole time was non existent. He couldn't have been there, he just couldn't. She hated thinking about it, but all the evidence pointed in that direction.

Rushing over and kneeling down in front of her son, she kept yelling his name. Panic setting in the more oblivious he was to her cries, the more lost in his own nightmare he seemed to be.

The sound of his mother screaming had woken him up. At first he thought that he was still dreaming. But the screams didn't stop, and she sounded in pain, like she needed help. Whatever was happening, she kept yelling, begging at the person to stop.

Alex hopped out of his bed and tip-toed up the hall. The nearer he got to her room the louder her screams got. His heart started beating faster as he realised that someone was attacking his mom. Every instinct told him to go to her, to help her somehow.

Nothing could have prepared him for what he saw. He couldn't see the man's face at first, he just saw his body on top of his mother's, trapping her, stopping her from escaping.

He was about to run over, try to get the man to stop; he just wanted his mom to be safe. She was pregnant; he had to save his sister as well as his mother. Just as he opened his mouth to yell the words got caught in his mouth. He felt himself slowly back up into the corner as the sight of his father's face became clear.

It was his dad that was doing this to her. The man he respected and loved so much, was the one responsible for her screams, the one who laughed and pushed his mother harder the more she protested.

His knees gave way beneath him and he found himself on the floor, his eyes still glued to the nightmare playing out in front of him.

Hugging his knees tightly to his chest he closed his eyes shut. It didn't block out the sounds, he could still hear his mother's cries. He covered his ears, but that didn't keep the sound out completely. It didn't help, nothing did. Her pleading rang around in his head; the image of what he had just seen was imprinted in his mind.

"ALEX!"

Sam kept yelling at her son, trying to get him to hear her, trying to get him to come out of his trance like state. She tried gently shaking him, everything she could think of but nothing worked, he seemed to have managed to block the outside world out completely.

Every now and then he'd murmur the word 'no' over and over, and shake his head like he was trying to force something out of his mind. Sam kept trying to get his attention by yelling his name, her voice getting higher pitched the longer he was unaware of her attempts.

Every thought was banished from her mind. Right there and then the only thing that mattered to her was making Alex better. She knew this was one problem that wouldn't be fixed easily. No amount of computer games or treats could make this go away.

Tears started falling slowly down her cheeks when she thought of how her son might be lost for good, how he may never be the same again. And deep down she thought that she only had herself to blame.

Alex's thoughts were interrupted voice calling his name, a hand that was gently trying to remove his hands from their position over his ears. He opened his eyes slowly; afraid of what he would see, afraid that it was his father in front of him. He lowered his hands, he could feel them shaking as he rested them on his knees.

It was his mother's face that he saw in front of him, his vision was slightly blurry but he knew it was her. His first thought was that it was all just a nightmare, a dream, that none of it was real. But as his vision became clear, he began to see the truth.

Her clothes were slightly torn, her cheeks were tear-stained, her lip was swollen and bleeding, and her there was a bruise forming on her wrist. It was all true, everything he had seen. He just didn't know what to think anymore.

A flood of relief washed over Sam when Alex finally opened his eyes. He stopped his quiet mutterings and was silent, his eyes focused solely on her. There was a look in them that hadn't been there before, darkness to them that Sam wished she could just wash away.

They stayed sitting in front of each other in silence for a few moments. Neither one was able to find anything to say, they was nothing they could say to make everything better, to erase what had just happened.

Alex was the one to break the silence.

"I'm sorry mom."

Sam stared at her, more tears forming in her eyes. None of this was his fault; she didn't even know exactly what he was apologising for.

"You have nothing to be sorry for, you did nothing wrong. I'm sorry for putting you through this."

Alex watched his mother's face carefully, his lips quivering. He really wanted to be strong for her, be there for her, but his young mind wasn't able to deal with everything that he had seen. Flinging his arms around her neck he clung to her as he started to sob uncontrollably.

Sam just held him, holding him to her tightly, all the while comforting and soothing him. Gently rocking him and telling him that everything was going to be alright.


	23. Chapter Twenty Two

Chapter Twenty Two

Luka leaned against the counter at admit, resting his head in his hands. His head was thumping, his body felt sore. After having been called in because one of the attendings on the night shift was unable to work, Luka had drunk all the coffee he could get his hands on in an attempt to sober up. It had worked,  
but he was paying for it.

Things had been quiet enough on the night shift so far, he was able to hand most of the patients who came in to the residents. It worked fine for him, he was able to just observe and make sure they were doing everything right. Meanwhile, he could stand at admit and drink coffee.

Staring into space, and contemplating everything that had been going wrong in his life in the past few months, he saw two familiar faces walking into the ER. Alex was coming in with Sam, they both looked tired and Luka immediately worried about what had happened to them. He watched as the two went over to Jerry and asked which doctor was free. Jerry told them to wait in the exam room and someone would be in right away.

Luka's heart started racing the minute he saw Jerry turn around and come up to him. He was the only doctor free; he had the others busy with patients. He couldn't say no, he had no good reason to. He was a doctor, it was his job and just because she used to be his girlfriend and was carrying his child wasn't a good enough reason to leave her waiting for another doctor to come along. Besides, part of him needed to see them, see that they were okay.

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Sam sat down on a chair in the exam room, Alex stood beside her, his tiny hand gripping hers. She wasn't happy about being there; it had been Alex's idea. He was worried about her and about his sister so he had talked her into going to the ER to get herself checked out.

"You doing any better buddy?" She asked Alex, more to have something to say then anything else. There was no way he was okay, not after what he had witnessed.

"It's not me Dad hurt." Alex shrugged.

Sam cringed at his comment; he was being so open and honest about it. It was unnerving.

"Are you okay mom?" Alex asked Sam, looking up at her.

"I'll live," she answered.

"What about the baby? Will she be okay?" The fear was starting to come into his voice again.

"Your sister is fine, I know she is. She hasn't stopped kicking since we arrived here, she's fine." Sam's  
voice sounded reassuring as she smiled weakly at her son.

Alex just nodded, his worries calmed for now. He did grip her hand tighter though, every now and then the image of what he had witnessed would pass through his mind and he's hold onto Sam's hand, gripping it and gaining comfort from knowing that she was okay now. Comfort from the fact that she was with him and not being hurt anymore.

Sam held onto his hand, reassuringly rubbing her thumb over it. He was trying to be strong, whether for her or because he didn't want to seem weak she didn't know, but either way she was worried about him. There was no way she would be able to afford therapy on her salary, but she'd do whatever was needed to help him get over this.

Both of them raised their heads towards the door as Luka walked in. They stared at him as he pulled a chair over to sit in front of them, a chart in his hand. Sam's breath caught in her throat, of all the doctors Jerry had to send him? She was so shocked she didn't know what to say. Alex just gave her hand a small squeeze, as he looked from his mother to Luka.

"Sam, what did you want to see a doctor for?" Luka asked, although now that he was right in front of her he could tell that she had been beaten up or something. Alex didn't look too good either; he hadn't said a word and was standing as close to his mother as was possible. On top of that he was as white as a sheet.

"I had a bad fall, I'm fine really but Alex wanted someone to check just in case, and I did cut my lip pretty bad." Sam replied trying her best to sound sincere.

"That's not true, and you know it." Alex butted in before Luka could say anything.

"Alex!"

"Well it's not!" Alex couldn't understand why his mother would lie, why she would want to let his dad get away with what he did.

"I'm confused here, who is telling the truth?" Luka looked from Sam to Alex. He knew Sam was lying, he could tell.

"Alex why don't you out to Jerry and stay with him while I give your mom a check up?" Luka suggested since he wasn't getting an answer to his question.

"Mom?" Alex looked up at his mom to see if it would be okay.

"Go, I'll be fine." She reassured him.

Alex walked out of the room slowly; checking over his shoulder every now and then to make sure his mom was okay.

"What happened Sam?" Luka asked the minute Alex was out of the room.

"I had a bad fall, I told you. That's all," Sam replied.

"Alex doesn't seem to think so."

Sam didn't answer, couldn't answer. She knew he was right, she didn't fall, but admitting to your ex-boyfriend that since they left, your life had gone on a huge downward spiral was not something she felt like doing at that moment in time. So she stared at the floor instead, taking in every scratch and bump there was on the surface. It was better than looking at him, she couldn't do that without crying, she was sure of that much.

Luka watched Sam as she surveyed the floor. He didn't like this; he didn't like any of it. His whole reason behind leaving was that she would be better off without him, that their child would be better without him. But looking at her now the opposite seemed to be true, of course, he reasoned with himself, she had been through a particularly bad patch that's why she was here and he couldn't judge whether he had made the right decision from this moment alone.

"Sam," he paused unsure what to say, unsure whether he should keep at her until she told the truth or just leave it. "If you get up on the bed I can check you over, see what's wrong." He lost his courage at the last minute.

Sam got up onto the bed without saying a word; it was hard enough concentrating on anything else but him without having to talk. She lifted her head briefly and her eyes locked with his. Luka was stunned by the broken look that Sam eyes. She had always been so independent, so sure of herself, and now, now it was like looking into an empty void.

"Sam, tell me what happened, tell me the truth. I'm a doctor, I can tell that you didn't fall, you're not fooling me."

"Steve came back," she whispered, so softly that Luka almost didn't hear.

"He hit you?" Luka asked, the realisation sinking in. Steve had done this; Steve had taken his hand and thrown it against her delicate flesh. The anger bubbled up inside him and he had to force it back down. Now was not the time to get angry, now was not the time.

Sam didn't answer, she didn't have to, and Luka knew the truth. He set to work on her lip, cleaning the wound and fixing it up. He couldn't help but notice the marks on her neck, marks where Steve had obviously bit her. They weren't noticeable until you were right next to her, but they were there.

When he was finished he let his hand trail slowly down her arm, until it rested on her wrist. Noticing her wince slightly at his touch, he turned her wrist over. There was a purple bruise forming there from where someone had obviously held her forcibly. Looking at her other wrist he noticed it was the same.

Someone, more than likely Steve, had held her wrists, held them against her will. But, Luka thought to himself, he couldn't have been hitting her if he was holding his wrists in his hands. What else would he be doing that for?

Luka looked up at Sam, he didn't have to ask, the answer was written in her eyes, in her mannerisms. It explained everything, why she looked so broken, so different from the Sam he had once known.

Tears started flowing down Sam's face, Luka knew, she could tell from the way he was looking at her, the horror in his eyes said it all.

"Sam?" Luka choked back the tears that were burning his eyes. Here in front of him was the woman he still loved more than anything else in his life, and some other guy had just done one of the worst things a man could do to her. It was like he had been hit in the chest, the breath knocked out of him as he thought of how it might have happened.

"I tried to stop him, I really did, he was stronger than me in the end. I tried to stop him Luka, I just couldn't."

"I know, I know," He replied softly taking her into his arms as she shook with the sobs.

After a few moments she calmed down and detached herself from Luka's arms.

"Sorry," She muttered accepting the tissue Luka handed her and wiping her eyes.

"Hey, you don't have to be sorry," He answered wiping another tear from her cheek with his thumb, his hand lingering on her shoulder.

Sam lifted her head, and her eyes connected with Luka's. Somehow, looking into his eyes, having him this close, she felt safer than she had in a long time; she felt that everything would be alright. She had to look away then, everything was not alright. Sure he may be here now, but the minute she left the hospital he'd be gone again and she'd be on her own.

Luka sensed her uneasiness and withdrew his hand from her shoulder; he didn't want to make her any more uncomfortable than she already was. She had been through enough for one night.

"Does Alex know? He knew that you didn't fall but does he know exactly what happened?"

"Yeah," Sam nodded. "He came into my room, he could hear me screaming, and he saw it all. He saw everything." She looked down at the ground ashamed. The last thing she needed was to see Luka's expression, she was sure he thought she was the worst mother in the world. What kind of a mother lets their son witness such a thing?

"It's not your fault Sam, don't blame yourself. It's not your fault."

The tears started cascading down Sam's cheeks again after hearing Luka's words. She felt so safe with him. He seemed to know just the right thing to say.

"It's not your fault," Luka whispered once more kissing her tenderly on the forehead before leaving the  
room saying he'd be back in a minute.

Luka barely heard Jerry call after him as he walked out of the building, the tears filling up his eyes, the pain and anger building up inside him. In the ambulance bay he let everything out on the trash container. Walking up to it, he kicked it, punched it, yelled at it.

The tears were falling freely now, his hand bruised from punching the metal. He kept going regardless, he kept hitting and kicking, screaming out everything he felt inside. He would have kept on going if a pair of hands hadn't pulled him back. Turning around he saw Susan and Carter behind him, Carter's hands on his arm holding him back.

"It's Sam, isn't it?" Susan said breaking the silence, "She left a note at the house saying she was coming here and we got here as fast as we could. What happened? Is it the baby?"

Carter and Susan watched Luka and waited for him to answer, they were both breathless, both worried about what Luka was going to say.

"He raped her; the son of a bitch raped her."

TBC


	24. Chapter Twenty Three

Chapter Twenty Three

"How is she doing?" Carter asked after a few moments silence.

"How do you think she's doing" Luka answered.

The three of them were quiet again. There was nothing to say, nothing to do but stand there and let the news sink in. Carter felt guilty, he felt like he should have done more to convince Sam to cut Steve out of her life. He felt a great responsibility for not being there, he had stayed behind after work, talked with Susan about his feelings. And all the while Sam was having to battle against Steve alone.

"There';s nothing you could have done John." Susan said sensing how Carter was feeling.

She was going through the same feelings herself though. She was supposed to be Sam's friend, yet she didn't even know what was going on with Steve. She had kept Carter back with her, making him talk. Her thoughts ran to Sam then, how would she feel if it was her? She shuddered to think of what it would be like.

"Did she just tell you what happened?" Susan asked.

"No, she came in here with some story about having fallen, but from her injuries it was clear that wasn't what had happened." Luka answered quietly, his voice failing as he remembered when she as good as admitted it was Steve.

Luka was tired, most of his energy had gone into beating up the trash container and now all that was left was the sorrow and pain. Sam had gone through so much, and he couldn't help but blame himself. If he hadn't left her, if he had still been with her, Steve never would have had the chance to . . . . He knew he'd have to stop thinking like that; it was only going to make him feel worse.

"What do we do?" Carter asked.

"There's not a lot we can do, just be there for her. She's the one we have to focus on, she's the one who needs her help and we will just have to help her however we can." She looked at both of the men standing in front of her. Both in love with this one woman. Both crushed by the news of what had happened to her.

"I'm going to go into her, and I want you, John, to take Luka in and have a look at his hand, make sure he hasn't done any damage. And Luka, I want you to go with John and not complain."

Susan made her way inside then; Luka and Carter were still in the ambulance bay, she knew they'd come in when they were ready. They just needed some time.

Sam was sitting up on the bed all alone in the room when Susan walked in. Susan paused at the door before walking over to her friend. She noticed how different Sam was from the door. She seemed empty somehow, and now that she was in the room, Susan didn't even know what to say. Eventually Sam looked up and saw her.

"I was with Carter when he got your note; we both came straight over here." Susan said walking over to sit beside the bed.

"Did you talk to Luka?" Sam asked.

"Yeah, he told me what happened." Susan replied.

Neither woman said anything for another while, everything between them being unsaid. Susan put her arm around Sam and comforted her while she cried.

"I'm sorry; I just can't seem to stop crying." Sam said wiping away her tears.

"There's no need to apologise, it's understandable."

They fell into silence again; the silence was more comforting, easier to deal with then talking. Sam was the first to break the silence this time.

"I've really fucked things up this time, haven't I?"

"Sam, you haven't done anything." Susan answered, "None of this is your fault."

"Yeah, well, I didn't manage to stop him did I? I had promised myself a long time ago I would never let Steve hurt me like that, and I promised myself that I would never let Alex find that his dad was a girlfriend beater. So much for that!" Sam yelled.

"Does Alex know what happened?" Susan asked.

"He came into my room when he heard me screaming, he saw everything." Sam said softly, tears threatening to fall once more.

"I'm so sorry; I don't even know what to say. If that was me and Cosmo . . . ." Just saying it out loud hit Susan in the chest, she could only imagine what Sam was going through but that was hard enough.

"You should have seen Luka's face when he found out," Sam continued, "Whatever slim chance there was that he'd come back . . . He'll never come back now. He looked so horrified; he could barely stand to look at me. Just another thing I managed to fuck up."

"Sam, you're right that Luka was horrified. When I arrived here he was outside, I've never seen him like that. He was so upset; he was crying Sam, crying because he wasn't there to stop Steve. Crying because just thinking about what happened to you hurt him so much." Susan yelled.

"Really?"

"Sam that guy is still as crazy about you as he ever was."

"Then why doesn't he say something? Why did he leave?"

"I wish I knew it'd make things a whole lot easier."

"Well, Luka isn't exactly the easiest person to read. You never really know what he's thinking." Sam said half laughing.

"And when it comes to you, he's so shy. If you had been anyone else I doubt it would have taken him so long to have slept with you. He does have a reputation."

"Yeah, but it's not like I would have let him."

"Only you could resist his Croatian charms." Susan laughed.

"That's just me," Sam joined in.

The two women laughed for a while, but it wasn't long before the real reason why they were there was remembered. Silence filled the room as Susan watched her friend, unsure once again what to say and what to do.

Luka entered the doctor's lounge wanting some privacy after his conversation outside with Carter. It was a conversation he never wanted to repeat again. Talking to him, it was so very clear the feelings that Carter had for Sam, and Luka wasn't able to deal with that head on.

"Hey Luka"

Luka turned around to the couch to see Alex sitting there, so much for some peace and quiet. He would rather go back out and talk to Carter than talk to Alex.

"How's mom?" He asked staring up at Luka and waiting for an answer.

"She'll be fine." Luka answered sitting down beside the young boy. "How are you doing?"

Alex just shrugged, "Why do you care?"

"I still care about you," Luka replied shocked at Alex's response. Although thinking back over the past few months, if he was really honest, Alex didn't exactly cross his mind much. Not as much as Sam and his unborn child did anyway.

"You have a funny way of showing it." Alex shouted at him. "You left, you just left and didn't look back."

"I thought you wanted me gone." Luka retorted, "You didn't exactly seem upset at me leaving."

"I'm a kid Luka, what I thought shouldn't have really mattered, not if you really cared." Alex went quiet then, looked at the ground and tried his best to ignore Luka. He had been doing his best to be the strong guy, for his mother's sake. The last thing he wanted was for Luka to see him fall apart.

"Alex, just because I left doesn't mean I stopped caring about you. You're not easy to forget."

"Well you should try telling that to my dad, he seems to manage to forget me all the time."

Luka didn't say anything back; he couldn't speak on behalf of Steve.

"Besides," Alex continued looking up at Luka, "It's not just me you left, what about mom? What about my sister? Are they easy to forget? Cause from where I'm standing you seem to have done a pretty good job at doing that."

"That's not fair Alex!" Luka yelled, "You don't know anything about what I've been through since leaving you, all of you. Do you really think it was easy for me to watch from the background as your mother started showing, when your sister kicked for the first time? I lost my family in Croatia, and I lost my family here too. So don't you dare talk to me that way!"

"All I know is that in Croatia your family died, here you walked away. You walked away Luka and never looked back." Alex stood up so he could be at eye level as he shouted at Luka, letting all the anger he had inside him burst out. "You made a choice Luka. And you're right that I wanted you gone, I could see how upset mom was and I wanted you to leave, to stop her hurting. Then dad came back, cause I asked him to and looked what happened?"

"This isn't your fault Alex," Luka said, "There's nothing you could have done to stop it."

"No, cause even if I hadn't tried my best to make you leave, you still would have. People always leave; its cause of me isn't it?"

"No, Alex, it's not because of you. It's because people are stupid, and you have no control over that. You didn't make people stupid." Luka was glad to see that he managed to get a slight smile out of Alex by saying that. He had never seen the boy so distressed before, he didn't know what to do. And he hated that he was just a bit to blame for it.

"You still love mom, don't you?" Alex asked quietly.

"Yeah, I do. I love her very much."

"Then why else would you have left and never come back if not for me?" Alex stared right into Luka's eyes, and Luka found the raw pain he saw there very discomforting and upsetting.

"Because I'm stupid," Luka replied. "I see that now."

"Sam?" Luka asked walking towards the bed. He was still unnerved from the discussion he had just had with Alex. He never for one moment thought of how it might have affected the boy, of how it might have affected Sam. He just automatically thought that they would be fine without him, that they'd forget him before long and be happy. He wasn't sure how he'd be able to live with himself now, seeing the damage that he had inadvertently done.

"Hey," She answered as he stood beside her, "What happened to your hand?" Looking down she saw that his hand was bandaged, and she took it into her own and looked up at him.

"I um, had some issues with the trash container outside. He started it."

"I'm sure he did; those trash containers can be pretty aggressive." Sam replied dropping the subject, sensing that he didn't want to talk about it. She looked at his eyes and saw that they were slightly red and puffy. Susan had been right. Sam just didn't know what to do about it right there and then.

"I wanted to take an ultrasound, as your doctor I want to make sure that everything is okay." It was partially the truth, after what had happened to her any doctor would have done the same. But part of him also wanted to see his daughter, make sure she was okay. If anything had happened, he knew he never would be able to forgive himself. After all the time he had spent trying to convince himself that he didn't care, he knew that even though he hadn't been there, he loved his unborn child. Nothing would ever change that.

"Okay, that seems like the right thing." Sam answered.

Luka went about getting the machine ready, and Sam lay down wincing slightly at how cold the gel was. Neither of them said a word through the whole thing. Neither of them wanted to say what was on their minds, that they were breaking apart without the other, that they couldn't go on for much longer like this. The silence was what they were used to. It had been the reason why they had broken up, and it had been the reason why they had stayed that way.

Luka held back his tears as he saw his little girl on the screen kicking away to her heart's content. She seemed happier then either of her parents. Like she didn't think anything was wrong, that anything could be wrong. Of course, what did she know?

Later Luka watched as Sam and Alex left. He had to do something, he just wasn't sure that she'd take him back now. Not after what had happened to her. Whatever happened he wasn't going to give up so easily this time. As he was watching he saw Sam look back at him. She stared into his eyes, glancing at him for as long as she could before going through the door. He returned her gaze, wanting nothing more to run over and sweep her off her feet. But he knew that he had messed things up too much for everything to be fixed that easily.

Sam turned around as she was walking out of the hospital to find Luka watching her. If Susan was right, if he still cared about her, would he ever be able to confess his feelings to her? Their problem in the beginning was that he couldn't open up to her. If he had still loved her all this time, could she so easily take him back knowing that he hadn't changed? And did he want her back? It was too many questions to answer right there and then. Despite how much she wanted to run into his arms she turned and walked out the door. Some things couldn't be fixed over night, no matter how much you might want them to.

TBC


	25. Chapter Twenty Four

Chapter Twenty Four

The door banged shut as Luka stepped into his apartment. He didn't bother turning on the light, he found the dark more comforting. It fit in with his mood. Shrugging off his coat he headed towards the kitchen and threw his keys down on the counter. He barely registered the noise as they landed. All he could think, see, hear; was her. Since she had left the hospital he found himself focusing solely on her. His heart was torn, ripped apart. He never expected to feel this way again, so hopeless, so helpless; not after losing his family in Croatia. Sure, Sam was still alive; but she wasn't the same. He wasn't sure she ever would be again. And he could only blame himself; he was the one who left her.

Then there was their child. She hadn't even been brought into the world yet, and already her life was filled with such pain. She didn't seem to be affected by it yet, but she most certainly didn't deserve it. What she deserved was to born into a happy family, with loving parents. And he felt he had taken that away from her. Just like he had now taken away any chance of Sam being happy. How could she be after what Steve had done to her?

Out of the corner of his eye he could see his salvation, the bottle of whiskey he had bought the day before and hadn't opened yet. Grabbing a glass, he went and poured himself a drink.

Skin, burning red. Lips, swollen. Neck and arms bruised. Eyes, empty and lifeless. Sam could hardly recognise herself in the mirror. The woman she was looking at couldn't be her, it just couldn't be. She wasn't like that, she didn't look like that. She didn't look like the haggard, broken woman who stood in front of her. That person just couldn't be her.

Looking down at her arms, she saw her skin was bright red, almost raw. She had just gotten out of the shower after scrubbing her skin in an attempt to feel clean, to no long feel Steve on her skin. She touched it gently, running her fingers down her arm to her wrist. There lay a big purple bruise. That was real. Braving another look in the mirror, she raised her hand to her lips, lightly touching them. The person she was looking at was her, she was battered and broken.

Absentmindedly she touched her stomach. That wasn't bruised. The one perfect part of her. The one part of her that Steve didn't get to. She didn't deserve to have it, it wasn't right for someone like her to be carrying something so perfect. She had willingly let Steve back into her life; she had let him hit her, going back to him knowing he'd do it again. It's not like she couldn't take some of the blame.

Luka closed his eyes and downed the glass. With his eyes closed, her image was all he could see. Choking back a sob he banged his hand off the counter, feeling no pain at all as his fist hit he smooth wood. Her was image taunting him, it wouldn't leave him alone. The bruises, the broken empty void in her eyes which once held such life, her tiny voice as she spoke to him about what happened; it was all there as clear as day. He should have been there; he should have been there to stop Steve.

_"I tried to stop him, I really did, he was stronger than me in the end. I tried to stop him Luka, I just couldn't."_

What had happened to her, his Sam, the woman he loved more than anything else in his life? What had happened to them? How did it manage to all get so out of hand? He should have beaten Steve the first time he walked into his life, that day in the hospital car park. It seemed so long ago now. He had stood back to let Steve have Sam then too. Of course, that time Steve didn't hurt her. But looking back he didn't know that to be true. She had been very desperate to leave, scared that he'd find her again.

He'd been a fool, not seeing what was right in front of him the entire time. Of course Steve hurt her then. There may not have been any visible harm, but she didn't escape unhurt. And he had stepped back, just like he had done now.

"I'm so sorry Sam." He whispered pouring himself another drink, the alcohol being the only comfort he had left.

Had Steve finally won? He had taken eleven years, but had he finally broken her completely? She had seen the looks everyone in the hospital had given her. Looks filled with pity, with horror. Looks that said she was different now, not like everyone else. She was a victim of rape now; no longer a person and they acted as such.

The ride home with Carter had been painful; he clearly felt the same as everyone else. He refused to touch her, to even say much to her. She was pushed out of the real world, she didn't belong there anymore. So where did she belong?

Closing her eyes so she wouldn't see her reflection anymore, she wrapped her arms around her. Steve's mocking smile floating in front of her. She could still feel him. She could even smell his breath, the retched smell of alcohol. He was still there; his touch was still on her skin. Nothing she did seemed to make him disappear, leave her alone. She felt dirty, used and nothing would take that away.

_"Did you really think I'd let you get away that easily?"_

Steve's voice rang in her head. Her heart thumping as she re-lived his attack. His arms pining her to the ground, his body heavy against hers. Her breathing increased. Even though he wasn't here anymore, even though he was long gone, panic filled her. She'd never escape from him; he'd always be with her now. His smell, his touch, his kiss; she could feel them as strong now as she had earlier on. She could taste his tongue in her mouth, the rotten taste of too much alcohol and cigarettes. Turning around, she reached the toilet just in time as she threw up.

Sam's screams were all Luka could hear as he raised the glass to his lips. He squeezed his eyes shut in a desperate attempt to make them disappear. It didn't work. The more he tried to think of anything else, the stronger and louder her screams became.

Opening his eyes, the whole scene played out in front of him, the way he imagined it to be. He could see Steve, his smug grin as he trapped Sam against the wall. She protested, tried to push him off but he was too strong. Luka could see it all, his sneering smile, her terrified stare. It was all there, happening right in front of him and he couldn't stop it. Just like he hadn't stopped Steve from coming back and creeping his way back into her life.

Her screams were deafening as he saw her desperately claw her hands on the monster on top of her. Anger, guilt, pain, all bubbled up inside him. He didn't know what to do to stop the nightmare that was unfolding in front of him. Hot tears ran down his cheeks. He felt so helpless, even though he knew what he was seeing wasn't real; it didn't stop it from killing him inside. Raising his hand slightly, he flung the glass towards the wall.

With a shaking hand Sam took a sip of water. Her hand was shaking so bad that the water was thundering around the glass. How had things gotten to this? Was she destined to have Steve haunt her for the rest of her life? She was standing in her bathroom, shaking with fear because of him. The one promise she had always made to herself was that she would never let Steve break her. He had won. And she was left to deal with that; however it was going to affect her from here on.

Out of the corner of her eye she caught her reflection again. The pathetic creature that she had become was there, staring at her, haunting her. She had always thought she was stronger than him; she always managed to escape from him. But he kept coming back. And now, now she was reduced to the shivering mess she saw in the mirror. Throwing the glass at the mirror, it smashed into a thousand pieces. She watched mesmerised as her image disappeared into shards of broken glass.

The sound of the glass hitting the wall and breaking, snapped Luka out of his nightmare. He was free, for now anyway. The tears were still streaming down his face but he ignored them. He wondered how she was, if she was able to sleep. More than anything he wanted her with him. He wanted to be there for her, to help her, and comfort her. To be there to do whatever it took to help her move on from what had happened. His apartment was her home. And she needed to be there, with him. He needed her to be with him.

He could only hope that she felt the same way. One way or another, he couldn't go on and leave things the way they were. Taking a deep breath, he did something that he knew he should have done a long time ago.

She couldn't stay in Carter's, not after what had happened there. Both she and Alex needed to get out, start a new life all over again. If they left soon they'd be settled in by the time the baby was born. She'd go somewhere that Steve wouldn't be able to find them, change their names if necessary. All she knew is that she couldn't go on this way. She'd be leaving Luka behind; she'd never see him again. Never know if he truly did love her and miss her just as much as she did him. After what had happened she doubted she'd ever hear from him again. No one wants to be associated with someone who's been raped. It was the way she felt things were.

She sat down on her bed, thinking of where she'd go. Maybe somewhere warm, it'd be a nice change to Chicago. Especially since the summer was almost over. Alex would love that, she was sure of it. He hated the cold. She'd have to quit her job, she was sure Susan would understand though. Carter would probably try to stop her from leaving, try to get her to stick around. She hated having to go, but felt like she didn't have a choice. She couldn't stay in Chicago and be faced everyday with what she had lost.

Looking at her cell phone to check the time, she noticed she had a missed call. Who would call at this hour? It could be Steve; the thought did cross her mind. But she figured he'd be passed out by now, he had drunk too much to still be standing by this stage. Letting her curiosity get the better of her, she checked her voicemail.

"Sam, it's me, Luka." Sam was shocked to hear Luka's voice at the other end of the phone, she was sure she'd never hear from him again. "I needed to call; I've needed to call for a long time now. I miss you and after seeing you tonight . . . . I'm sorry I wasn't there for you when you needed me. I keep going through all the possibilities. If we were still together, Steve never would have had a chance to . . . ."

The machine cut off then, he'd run out of time. Sam sat on the bed, phone in her hands, stunned. She didn't know what to do, how to react.

He couldn't sleep. He had called her, made contact. It was the first step. What was worrying him was how she'd react. Would she feel the same? Or would she tell him to get lost? He had to wait until it was daylight before finding out. And the suspense was killing him. He was waiting to find out if he would have all that he wished for or really lose it all for good. He was too nervous to sleep. He knew that if he drank more of the whiskey he'd eventually fall asleep from the effects of it. But if he was going to get back together with her, it didn't want to do it with a hangover.

The insistent knocking on the door disturbed him from his thoughts. He was so rattled he didn't even stop to think of who would possibly be at his door at such an ungodly hour. Opening the door it took him a moment to notice that the woman on the other side was in fact the woman he had been obsessing about.

"Sam? What are you . . .?" He began.

"Just let me do the talking okay?" Sam said walking into his apartment and turning around to face him when she had some distance between them.

Luka stayed at the door, closing it and turning back to her. His heart was thumping in his chest, he was sure she must be able to hear it. This was it, the moment he had been anticipating. The moment where he won or lost it all. And all he could do was wait for her to tell him either way.

"I got your message." She began. "It was unexpected. I didn't know what to think, all of a sudden you just practically telling me you want me back. It's not going to be as simple as all that you know. There's so much to work through. Trust has to built again on both sides. You have to learn if you're even the same people you were, if you can fit into each other's lives. It's a long and important process and . . . . can we just skip it? Can you just be kissing me now?"

It only took Luka half a second to decide. When she had started speaking he was sure she was going to leave. Now, he was just so happy to know that she wanted him too. He practically ran across the room to get to her. Sweeping her into his arms, he kissed her. Gentle at first, both unsure. Feeling her hands on his back pulling him closer, he let the kiss deepen.

TBC


	26. Chapter Twenty Five

**Authors note: **To answer someone's question Sam is six months pregnant by this stage. And yes, I have to admit that the speech Sam gave at the end of the last chapter was taken from Buffy. I was kinda hoping nobody would notice, as I really felt it fit into the scene

**Chapter Twenty Five**

"Promise me you'll never leave again," Luka whispered resting his forehead against Sam's.

Sam didn't reply she wasn't sure she could anyway. Her whole body was filled with fear, she was finding it hard to breathe, never mind talk. With every time his hand moved up and down her spine, with every touch of his skin against hers; her heart beat faster, until it was all she could hear. Closing her eyes to calm herself down, Luka bent down for another kiss. The slight whiff of alcohol off Luka's breath sent her over the edge. She wasn't with Luka anymore, and it wasn't his touch she felt, his kiss upon her lips. She couldn't take it anymore.

Gathering up what little strength she could, she managed to push him off. Luka was too startled to say anything. He had been sure it was what she wanted. Watching her as she sat down on the couch and pulled her knees up to her chest, he couldn't figure out where he had gone so wrong. Moving over to her, he bent down beside her.

"I can't do it," She whispered, her voice choked with tears.

"Do what Sam?"

"I just . . . we were kissing and I know what you want, but I just can't. I'm sorry."

"Sam, you're not making sense. Just what is it that you think I want?"

She just looked at him, and the look in her eyes said it all. Luka realised immediately what she was saying, and felt like hitting himself for being so insensitive.

"I didn't want to sleep with you . . . well, I would but . . . sex isn't everything Sam. I wouldn't dream of suggesting it after what happened to you earlier. I should have realised that I was making you uncomfortable. After what happened to you, it's natural to not want to be touched."

"Rape," Sam whispered.

"Excuse me?"

"Rape, I was raped Luka. It's not just some unfortunate accident, I was raped. The least you could do is say it."

"I can't, I'm sorry but just thinking of that bastard forcing himself on you . . . . I'm sorry Sam but I just can't say it, because it kills me inside thinking about it." Tentatively, Luka reached out and took her hand. Sam entwined her fingers with his, accepting the small touch from him.

"I'm sorry," She whispered, her voice swept away at the sudden outburst of emotion from Luka.

"You have nothing to be sorry for." Luka reassured Sam.

Silence descended around them. Neither was willing to talk, afraid that words would disrupt the delicate peace that they were having. They didn't need to speak; their actions were speaking much louder than any words could have.

Sam moved away from the arm of the chair so that Luka could settle in beside her. He sat down, unsure at first at how much contact was okay, how much contact she could take right then. Their hands were still together, the one gentle touch that Luka allowed between them. She had to make the first move, if she wanted to. He didn't want her to think that he was in any way pressuring her.

Raising her eyes from the carpet, Sam found his eyes staring back at her. For the first time, she saw him look so delicate, like he could break any minute. Before, he had always been so strong. It was almost as if nothing fazed him. She knew that wasn't true, but he guarded his emotions so much it seemed that way. But now, now she saw the real Luka. The guy whose family had all died, the guy who had lived through such heartache and pain, who had lived through torture. The guy who loved and cared for her more than any other guy ever had. Steve never looked at her that way. That's when she realised that Luka would never hurt her. Whatever her past experiences with men had taught her, Luka was different from all them. He really loved her. Taking a deep breath, Sam moved closer to Luka, resting her head on his shoulder. He wasn't Steve, he never was going to be Steve, and she knew it was time she started really believing that.

Not a word between them was spoken, not a single sound uttered. Luka just smiled as Sam cuddled into him and put his arm around her. For the first time in months, both of them felt at peace. It was a peace that they would only ever find in each other. After all they'd been through over such a short period; it was nice to know that they had each other again.

"Did you miss me?" Sam asked timidly. Not that she'd ever admit it out loud, or even to herself, but she needed to hear him say the words. And above all, she needed to see that he was willing to open up to her, just a little bit at a time. She needed to know he trusted her.

"I missed you more than I thought I'd ever miss another person ever again. The fact that I still saw you nearly every day, but couldn't touch you, talk to you; it hurt so much Sam."

His answer was so heartfelt; Sam couldn't help but be moved. She let the tear fall down her cheek without wiping it away.

"Is that why you drank?" She could smell alcohol in the apartment and there was the faintest whiff of it off his breath.

"Yeah," Luka replied, letting out the breath he had been holding. "I found it was the only way to numb the pain, the only way I could make it through the day." He kept his gaze fixed on the wall facing him. He didn't want to see her reaction. Given how Steve was he wasn't so sure she'd be thrilled to have another boyfriend with a drinking problem. He couldn't blame her if she felt that way.

To his surprise, she sat up beside him, and taking his face in her hands, forced him to look right at her. He didn't find any animosity in her, just concern. She leant forward and planted a soft kiss on his lips.

"Thanks," she whispered.

"What for?"

"For being honest with me, it's all I've ever wanted from you."

"So it doesn't bother you that I've been relying on drink?" Luka couldn't quite believe that she was okay with the whole situation.

"I assume you won't be continuing on like that, right?" It worried her slightly that he'd turn into another Steve, drinking all the time, loving alcohol more than her. At the same time she knew that Luka was stronger than that. Besides, the fact that he'd been honest with her was a good sign.

"No, I don't want to be that way. And I won't need to be, not now that I have a reason to be happy."

Sam smiled at Luka, feeling another tear slip quietly down her cheek. Luka wiped it off, his hand lingering on her cheek, gently caressing it. He moved closer to her, and kissed her on the forehead.

"It's really late," Luka whispered, "you need your sleep. I'll let you have the bed, and we'll talk more in the morning."

Reluctantly Sam stood up, he was right, it had been a long day and she could do with a few hours' sleep. He'd still be there in the morning.

"Come with me?" She made it a question.

"Are you sure? Because I don't mind sleeping on the sofa if you want me to."

"More than anything I don't want to be alone right now."

Sam settled down in Luka's bed wearing one of Luka's T-shirts since she had no bed clothes with her. For the first time in months, she felt relaxed. She wasn't as worried as she had been. Things weren't really fixed between her and Luka, but they were together and that was a good start.

She turned around as Luka got into the bed beside her. While she had been changing he had caught sight of the bruise on her back, not to mention further scars on her arms, most of them fresh. Settling down beside her, he pulled her as close to him as possible, keeping his arm protectively around her.

"Are you okay?" Sam asked sensing that something was bothering him.

"The bruise on your back," he began, "did Steve do that?"

Sam couldn't answer him; she could only confirm his suspicions with a nod. To her surprise tears welled up in his eyes as he clenched his fists.

"I'm so sorry Sam." He whispered as the tears started to fall down his cheeks.

"It's not your fault Luka." It was the only thing she could think of to say. She didn't know how to react to Luka's apology, his guilt. No one had ever acted that way.

"How long has he . . . .?" Luka paused before finishing the question knowing that he wasn't going to like the answer. "How long has Steve been hitting you?"

"Are you asking me when the first time he hit me was?" Sam replied, her voice emotionless. It wasn't something she wanted to discuss with Luka, or with anyone really for that matter. But, she knew she had to be more open with Luka.

Luka nodded, words failing him. He had guessed for a long time before they had broken up that Steve had hit her in the past. But now that he was going to hear the whole truth, while having the evidence of what he'd done to her in front of him, he knew that from now on he couldn't deny the truth, couldn't pretend that Sam didn't live through that.

"The first time he hit me was just after I'd found out I was pregnant with Alex. He wanted sex, I didn't and he . . . . he slapped me across the cheek." A vivid memory of that first time flashed through her mind. She could remember every detail. She had never expected it, had been so shocked at the time. He was all apologies the next day.

"Jesus Christ Sam, you were only fifteen!" Luka clenched his fists even tighter.

"We don't have to talk about this if it's going to upset you."

"I hate thinking of him hurting you like that. He's left his marks all over you." Tears kept falling down his cheeks. His only comfort was that Steve would never get the chance to touch Sam again, he wouldn't let that happen.

"Luka, I'm still me, still the woman you fell in love with. I haven't changed. The bruises will fade." Sam answered as she wiped the tears from Luka's cheeks.

"Just like they faded all the other times, right?" The anger was evident in his voice, his accent growing thicker the more emotional he became. He could hear her saying the words, but when he looked at her all he could see where the marks Steve had left behind on her delicate flesh. His hand was clenched so hard his finger nails were digging into his skin. If Steve was there right then . . . . . but he wasn't. Luka unclenched his hand and laid it against Sam's cheek, noticing her worried expression.

"I didn't mean to upset you," he said. "It just make me angry thinking about it."

"So, let's just think of something else for know, okay?"

"Sounds good to me." Luka smiled at Sam, pushing aside all his dark emotions. He had her with him, and it was about time he focused on that rather than on Steve.

Sam smiled back, and taking his hand she placed it on her stomach, giving him a silent reminder of the good things they had to think about. As if on cue, her daughter kicked with all her might, causing Sam to give out a small cry of surprise.

"Wow," Luka said pulling back his hand as if he'd been shot. "Is she always that forceful?"

"She has her moments." Sam replied. "Here," she took his hand again, "she's kicking again."

They stayed like that for a while, Luka's hand on her stomach. He couldn't believe he'd almost missed out on all of this, in the midst of everything, he had nearly forgotten how great it felt to know you've created a life. He was determined not to miss another minute.

"I love you Sam, and I promise I'll do everything in my power to make things right." He said looking at her face only to realise that she was fast asleep and hadn't heard him speak. He just turned off the light and settled down to sleep, putting his arm protectively around her.


End file.
